Raven25 (original poster new member #86953) posted at 3:56 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2026
I've been having a lot of anxiety the past few days. Monday was MC and typically after weekends I experience some lows. This week I have tried really hard to not explode like I typically do. I did have an explosive moment Tuesday during WH work day where he hung up on me. It wasn't really discussed after. I have felt my anxiety building since. Weds I was feeling really distanced and mentioned feeling needy. In my try to be calm but honest the feedback from WH felt lacking. He kind of just said he understands but we went through the evening like normal. Thursday I mentioned feeling a lot of anxiety and got "maybe exercise or something".
I feel like the "I'm sorry"s are getting less genuine, I feel like he has zero curiosity about my pain. We are almost 5 months from initial DDay. I don't understand how I can be so vulnerable and even when calm I don't get my needs met. I hear his responses and it just feels like he is heavily avoiding talking about the A. I don't know how to get through to him what I need is emotional attunement, some curiosity about my feelings, depth and vulnerability. Am I asking for too much? I am terrified he is so over taking about the affair and craves normalcy so badly that he's again displaying putting his comfort above mine.
BackfromtheStorm ( member #86900) posted at 10:17 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2026
He feels shame, not guilt.
It means this:
Instead of
I feel terrible that I hurt you so deeply, I would do anything to stop you from suffering for my stupid actions, I really want to help you heal from the pain I chose to inflict upon you (guilt)
It’s this
I am sorry that I was found out, and now looking at you suffering makes me feel bad about myself. Could you please get over it fast and forgive me already? I feel uncomfortable that you feel bad for what I have done. It’s not a big deal, I just wanted a little happiness for myself, not to hurt you. So get over it and let us not talk about me being a bad person. Let’s pretend it didn’t happen (shame)
One is empathy. The other is selfish self commiseration that cares almost nothing about you, and absolutely nothing about your pain. It’s only me me me me me me… stop being sad or you make ME feel bad.
Get it?
You are welcome to send me a PM if you think I can help you. I respond when I can.
Raven25 (original poster new member #86953) posted at 3:53 AM on Saturday, May 9th, 2026
I am sorry that I was found out, and now looking at you suffering makes me feel bad about myself. Could you please get over it fast and forgive me already? I feel uncomfortable that you feel bad for what I have done. It’s not a big deal, I just wanted a little happiness for myself, not to hurt you. So get over it and let us not talk about me being a bad person. Let’s pretend it didn’t happen
Welp, just had a conversation with WH and it didn't go well. I told him I felt like there was an emotional wall, complete lack of vulnerability and what spilled out was exactly what you said.
I'm so exhausted, a part of me was grateful for at least honesty. He was very forthcoming that it just comes naturally. I get that he has a lot of growth but he is so good at saying the right things and he even admitted himself that he knows what to say but it's almost impulsive. I just don't know what level of growth I should be looking for? He puts so much focus on intent but his intentions mean NOTHING when his actions show otherwise.
I want to be in this but my goodness I want to scream. You broke my heart and im telling you exactly what I need and you still don't value me enough to grow?!? He said his need to control is default, I don't know how to get it through his head besides emotionally checking out that he needs to change for me to stay in this.
He mentioned how even when I was asking him for vulnerability a part of him internally went "ok I can do that but can you not change a car battery?!?" Because the other day I couldn't get the car to start to pick up our oldest when I have our 1 year old twins with me and I didn't just handle it myself. It feels so fkd the way his brain works. Like you cheated on your wife who takes care of TWO BABIES and justify not being vulnerable because you resent me for not changing the battery on our car and wanted you to handle it??! Wtf. It's such a small thing but the perfect example of his brain. I CAN change the battery, why wouldn't my husband want to handle it for me though? It's so baffling and disturbing that small example.
