Comparisons will obsess you because you need to understand why she chose another over you.
That's all about it.
IT will not pass, not easily because she put you second place, so you will feel second place from now on.
It is pretty hard to recover fully from that.
That said, you already have your answer: with whom did she decide to stay? You or the AP?
Usually it's 80/20 rule, the affair covers for the 20 "unaddressed needs" of the WS, with the result to burn to ash the 80%.
So now she has next to zero. And that's what she deserves.
She should work and move mountains if she ever wants part of that 80% back.
All BS's need emotional validation of their status during R...and trying to get emotional validation can go very wrong if the emotional need underneath the question is not understood...it may be asking the impossible to expect a WS to read/hear this need in the question...it may help to explain what you need before asking the question!
That is a very wrong approach.
No your emotions want that because if they would be validated then the affair and betrayal could not have happened.
But they did happen, so even validating those will serve nothing but to lie yourself after she lied to you.
Reformed WS alone do understand this need to heal the BS, but they DID the work, your wife did not.
You need to understand few harsh truths:
HER:
- She was your partner because she chose you
- At some point she chose another man, you were not chosen anymore, not enough, replaceable. Just the backup
- She most likely did not chose the AP as a man, but she chose her projections in the AP, the way the Affair made her feel
YOU:
- You are enough, worthy and lovable. You must learn this. What she did does not mean you were not worthy of her. It means she is not worthy of you.
- You need to learn that you are the prize. Right now I feel you are doing the "pick me dance". Validating her idea that she can do whatever, there will be no consequences because you will always be there.
For your own sake, you need to understand that YOU matter more than her, period. For yourself, you cannot "make yourself matter" for someone else, not even your wife. Either she sees it or not. And she will not see it if you dance the "pick me dance". It never works.
If she sees your value she will work to come back and rebuild.
But the above is not possible until you realize and own your value first.
Stop expecting something from your Wayward Wife. Expect demand and do for YOU alone. Like she does no longer exist.
Build the life you would be proud to live.
Then observe her behaviors, if they change, those matters, not the words.
She cannot heal you,she is the one who hurt you. Only you can heal yourself. Only her can heal her flaws.
