The Rock and the Hard Place of Reconciliation - Part Three, Comparisons
Comparisons are a bottom line concern for every BS...and, a very tricky issue. The need to compare ourselves to the AP is, at bottom, asking our WS for Emotional Validation, their desire to be with only us, and, the end of their obsession with the AP.
So, if we ask, "How was he in bed compared to me?", or, "In what ways do you like me better than him?", etc, what we REALLY WANT is an emotional validation ("You're my Man", "You're the best", "I love you more than I could ever love him, etc.
It's easy to run afoul of this issue...I ran afoul by asking my WS one of these questions and was shocked and hurt by her answer, something like, "Well, you both have your points"!. I then rephrased and asked something like "I mean, between us, do you like me at 51/49 percent? 80/20 percent, 70/30...". Again, her answer was something like, "Well, it varies - I can have more satisfying emotional conversations with you, but...".
OK - my WS has a very logical mind and answers questions literally - BUT, missed and misses my emotional needs that are at the heart of my question...I really did and do not want a comparison of the lovemaking chops of me v. the AP, or, in any other point of comparison...What I need and want after having been destroyed by the A is the emotional validation that her choice is to be with me, that her desire to stay with me and work toward R is her primary concern- which is some version of "Honey, you're the best", "You're my guy and no one compares!", etc.
All BS's need emotional validation of their status during R...and trying to get emotional validation can go very wrong if the emotional need underneath the question is not understood...it may be asking the impossible to expect a WS to read/hear this need in the question...it may help to explain what you need before asking the question!
4 comments posted: Tuesday, March 17th, 2026
The Rock and the Hard Place of Reconciliation, Part Two
On DDay and the weeks and months after, I found that, outside of my personal therapy sessions, I had no one in my life to talk with, to vent or cry with, to struggle with putting the pieces back together. I'd review my circle of guy friends and find reasons why none of them were likely candidates. In many cases, it was because my WS and I are part of the same social circle, so, I felt that fronting her A to any of these guys would quickly spread throughout our circle and it would be like outing her and potentially subjecting her to all manner of grief. Ditto for family. Yes, I get that protecting her was a questionable choice, but, I also know that I was protecting me. And, even though we are in a very good couples therapy where we can work stuff out in our sessions, I am still aware that my lack of guys to talk honestly with is still a big issue...and, I am so happy to have found this group!
Next is the role of each member of the couple in healing....the most common idea is that only you can heal you - goes for both the BS and the WS. This is certainly true when it comes to rebuilding my sense of worth, my value, and, most important, my power to shape my life going forward in ways that serve me, my needs, my desires...and that, should I find that my WS is not able to R and I choose to leave the marriage, I can and will find happiness.
But, there's another way to slice this cake. My therapist put it this way - your wife threw a grenade into your marriage and blew it to pieces. And, she lied about the depth of intimacy in the A, so, when I discovered the evidence (secrets always come out!) and confronted her and she admitted that she slept with the OP, she blew the pieces into smaller pieces. The question is: having blown your relationship to pieces, will she help to put them back together...and, in a way that you both can trust and accept and feel great about? It seems reasonable to me that this is work for both of us - one person can heal themselves, but, one person can't heal a relationship.
7 comments posted: Monday, March 16th, 2026
The Rock and the Hard Place of Reconciliation
The Rock and the Hard Place of Reconciliation
As the betrayed partner, the Rock is that I’ve had to face several bottom line truths.
First, that my spouse was actually in love with the OP…and, the reality of what being in love means.
She experienced the passions and heat and feelings of new love…all the wonderful, fairytale feelings that are written and sung about. She once described her love for the OP in this way…"every day was like a walk in a beautiful meadow in the sunshine".
My spouse was deeply connected to the OP - met and socialized with his golf buddies, met his children, was shown off by the OP to friends at parties who congratulated him on having such a gorgeous lover, shared the OP’s problems and joys, illness and doctor visits.
In other words, although the affair was not a long one, it was hot and deep…not nearly as long as our 50 year marriage, but almost as deep and, it hurts to know this, hotter.
These realizations have forced me to erase and rewrite my perception of my spouses’ character. For example, I can no longer think of her as totally honest, trustworthy, and committed; for my own safety, I’ve had to change my perception to potentially dishonest, deceitful, and transactional. Living day by day with this person that I (at times) no longer recognize is painful and unsettling to the point of making me doubt my sanity.
Perhaps the hardest mental change, but also the most freeing, is that I’ve had to recognize that, even as I am hurting from the trauma of betrayal, my spouse is also hurting from the pain of lost love. That the affair was a childish, impossible fantasy does not change the emotional reality for both of us - my spouse felt, and sometimes still feels, pain and distress at lost love for and with the OP.
For my spouse, the Hard Place is society’s judgement that infidelity is immoral, that the betrayer should feel terribly guilty. And, for the guilty party, there are strict penalties and clear expectations during reconciliation. The betrayer must cease all contact, destroy all evidence, and erase all feelings for the OP. And, must agree without question to all demands from the betrayed spouse. Any emotional hurt that the betrayer feels or expresses for the loss of the love of the OP is out of bounds, another hurtful betrayal - unfair to bring up, unworthy of consideration.
At first, I bought into this social judgement and the expectations governing reconciliation. But, the truth is that understanding my spouses’ emotional hurt at the ending of the love affair forces me re-evaluate how I think about the path to reconciliation. And, even though it seems fair to assign guilt, it’s unrealistic to expect that she (or, anyone) will be able to cut all emotional ties and cease all thoughts and feelings for the OP…certainly not immediately or overnight, but, not even with the passage of time.
Worst of all, my spouse has not yet come to grips with her bottom line - still does not recognize or understand the mental steps that led her to be OK with bringing an affair into our lives - with all the chaos and hurt to me and potential for destruction of our marriage. This lack of self-reflection is a constant roadblock to reconciliation - for me, as long as my spouse stays willingly in the dark, I don’t feel entirely safe. Impossibly, an affair happened…without self-knowledge, it could happen again.
Both of us are hurting, caught between a Rock and a Hard Place.
And, living day to day with this reality is monumentally difficult without visiting some very dark places in our minds from time to time. I’m pretty certain that our hurts will not disappear with the years…I expect that we will both carry them in some fashion for the rest of our lives.
For married partners, the Rock and the Hard Place of the end of an affair is that, while both have always leaned on each other for understanding and support during hard times, the trust that supported the marriage is shattered. Both the betrayed and betraying partner can no longer lean each other for understanding, support, and for help. If both decide that the marriage is worth saving, bridging this gap and becoming a team again is a long, painful struggle.
9 comments posted: Wednesday, March 11th, 2026
