SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, this might not be the most unbiased place for this topic, but I wasn’t sure where else to bring this.
Quick backstory: I had an affair in college (13 years ago) that I didn’t disclose to my husband until last year, 3 years into our marriage. He also confessed infidelities on his end during our engagement/marriage.
We are divorced, and I have been in intensive therapy ever since.
One topic in therapy I’m working through is my low self worth, and how I was not very hurt by my ex’s infidelities because:
1. I had been unfaithful to him in the past, so I "deserved" this and had no right to feel hurt
2. I am just happy that he stayed with me and still showed me love and affection, even when he wanted to be with/persue other women

I’ve made some progress here, however my therapist said something a few weeks ago that has stuck with me.
For context, my ex was a musician. Also, my therapist works with a lot of high-profile celebrities like musicians and actors.
I believe she was attempting to make me "feel better" about my ex’s infidelities, but she made a comment that "she hasn’t had any high profile celebrity couples in her office that didn’t deal with infidelity". That it’s very common, and every man in these couples has stepped out, and some of the women chose to "look the other way".

I had experienced such extreme shame for the past 13 years because I truly believed myself to be the devil, however during this process (and sharing my experience with the people around me), it seems that so many people have been touched by infidelity.

While none of my friends/support system have been unfaithful, they have all been on the receiving end. Also, a lot of my friends are close friends with celebrities or people in the arts, and evidently infidelity is extremely common and often forgiven.

This realization has made me feel worse, not better. I don’t want to believe so many people capable of this. Even worse, it seems to be somewhat "expected" at times.

My infidelity almost killed me, and seriously hurt my ex. I had extreme SI, I still struggle with the extreme shame. How is it possible that so many people treat infidelity as "just another thing that happens in life"?

Apologies if this seems like a bit of a "dump", I am relearning a lot of beliefs and not sure what to make of this. I am afraid of future relationships, both because of my shame (how could anyone love or trust me?) and because of this apparent prevalence of infidelity (how can I trust any future partner?)

I still battle the shame spiral, but am getting better. One thing that has helped in IC is learning how much of my early trauma has impacted my life. Now every time I hear someone I know has been unfaithful, I can usually identify some damage they experienced along the way. Early in my IC process I really resisted looking at the damage/shame I had been carrying since a child as a contributing factor to my infidelity as it felt like an excuse. It definitely is not, but understanding it has helped me show myself some grace. I often say if someone told me about having a similar childhood as mine, I could be very understanding of how it negatively impacted their choices as an adult and in their relationships. It is harder for me to apply that same lens to myself, but I am getting better at it.

Long way of saying that I think so many people have experienced difficulties in their formative years that can haunt them throughout their lives and in their relationships leading to infidelity unless addressed. Definitely not a 1:1 correlation meaning not everyone with childhood trauma, attachment / abandonment / avoidant issues, etc will cheat in their relationships, but does seem like an almost 1:1 correlation that people who cheat have some form of that baggage.

I have actually spent some time understanding the impact of my dad's childhood on his choices (which are the main source of my childhood trauma). Not in a place where I can have a real relationship with him (he has never had a real relationship with anyone and is not going to change in his 80s), but I have some empathy for him.

Ultimately I also find how common infidelity is to be highly troubling. The way it is portrayed in media does not really present reality and what drives the choices, but the sheer number of movies/shows where it is featured along with multiple studies and data tells me it is definitely a relatively common occurrence. I guess I am at a point where I feel really sad that so many people are so broken that we make those terrible choices vs just feeling sad that infidelity has become all too frequent.