SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently posted in another forum about a job opportunity that for some reason had my anxieties spinning.

It’s occurred to me now that what is making me reach out is that I am finding myself in endless rumination in which I make these imagined perceptions of me torture me.

I have been in such a good headspace, I am good about trying to be in the space of an objective observer of my thoughts. I am trying to name what is coming up for me in this process.

It’s not the job, its that familiar thought pattern has returned where I obsess and over analyze details and believe the worst things. I am hoping that maybe I can work on relaxing over the weekend and practicing mindfulness and probably this has been worsened by poor sleep this week.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. I just haven’t felt this struggle in a long time. It feels like grief. And I have to find a way to sit with what this is and what it’s telling me. I just passed my 50th birthday, and for reference I had an affair 10 years ago, which makes me fear if am going to be a person who has some existential crisis every decade.

I also know that’s catastrophizing, because this hasn’t been going on long, maybe a few weeks. I think I am panicking because I don’t like these feelings, but it’s unrealistic that we don’t experience these valleys.

H’s health is much better and we are doing well. We have an anniversary trip coming up in November. A much needed time and I think that’s going to help me. Our kids and grandkids are all thriving. I am healthy and have so much to be grateful for.

Anyway, if you listened to this rambling, thanks. I need to write it out, that always grounds me.

Another grounding thought as I sign off—-at least this time around I know the issue isn’t external, so there’s that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:11 PM, Friday, October 30th]

Is there something specific that you're ruminating about or is it more of a case of just general grief and unrest? Is there a target for these thoughts or are you feeling unrest overall?

I'm not going to pretend to have any kind of deep insight or anything, but I can understand general feelings of unrest and uneasiness or questioning myself. I've had bouts of depression. Sometimes it just helps to get it out and talk to others and try to pinpoint it.

If anything, and I think you know this, we're here for you. I know I value your presence here. You've helped me more than you know, even in your replies to others.

50 is a big birthday. Just this year I turned 56, so I'm on the north side of creeping toward the big six-o. I can remember being in my 30s and thinking it was so far off. Now my son is the age I was when he was born! Where did all that time go?

Emotions are messages and giving them an outlet is a good way to get order before it becomes chaos.

I might be on the younger side but I doubt that it is too connected with the time as you reclaim your center.
You can live in the present and the present you ain’t different from yesterday’s you or tomorrow morning you, those moments seem different only if we build a narrative around or we play according to the narrative we written or fantasize about.

That is unlikely to be your case, but you can hear those echoes and name them now, while you breathe in the present.

I bet you will learn something, not become overwhelmed.

What do you think you are grieving?

Sometimes when I'm anxious I try to think of the best case scenario, the worst case scenario, and the most likely scenario. And usually all of those things are survivable, you know? Cuz I've been through worse.