SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Re telling OBS: I'm considering asking a trusted friend to do some digging for me. I did some digging, but I don't even know her name. AP has made his FB friends list private (I'm willing to bet he did that very recently), so no luck there.

Make it a condition for you to even *consider* R that she must fully disclose AP’s name, and absolutely everything else she knows about him to you. You could send a certified letter addressed to OBS that must be delivered into her hands. If you’re motivated, you can find a way. Hoping you don’t make the mistake so many do by protecting the AP by keeping silent. It’s also one of the very best things you can do to ensure this treason doesn’t start back up. Don’t learn the hard way. Inform OBS.

She’ll just warn him, though. Pay the $20 from spokeo or whatever people use these days. The details are all public, sometimes they just aren’t in the first place that we check.

Try. True people search .
It is pretty accurate. Shows even how much I owe on a rental property.

Guys, to clarify: I know AP’s name. I know a lot about him because he has an online presence. But from digging through his socials, I cannot find anything about his wife. Either he’s good at separating his online profile from his personal life, or he’s panicked and removed anything that may lead me in that direction. So again, I can’t look her up because I don’t know her name.

GuzmanLyrebird, I hope you aren’t feeling ganged up on about telling OBS. Everyone’s focused on this because it works, among other moral/ethical reasons.

Here’s a very recent example: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667349/72-hours-since-finding-out-and-in-so-much-pain-any-advice-appreciated/?ap=81

Beetrain got to the OBS through her sister-in-law. AP promptly threw his WW in the bin. It didn’t save their marriage because his WW was pretty much checked out of the M already, but it did end her affair.

People are just banging on about it because you want to R and it will make a difference.

Oh man, I can feel how heartbroken and devastated you are. And rightly so. Those of us who have been served this crap sandwich and made to eat it can relate to all the feels. It is the absolute worst.

When I had a widowmaker heart attack a few years ago and spent 29 days in the hospital, some of it in a coma, going through heart surgeries, being shocked back to life three times with electric paddles, etc... and people would say "This must be the worst thing you have ever been through!"

I would say to myself "You have no idea. This is nothing compared to what I have been through with my ex-wife. This is a walk in the park compared to that."

I don’t know if marriage licenses are public info in the UK, but if they are, search for his name through the licensing division and you’ll find her name.
Other than that, all those people search services will give you a treasure trove of info.

The UK has public marriage records. FreeBMD or whatever is probably fine to do the first few searches but there are also a number of cheap paid services that’ll assuredly also have the info. It’s like $20.