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Yikes. I forgot the most important aspects of IC.

It works if you find a competent IC AND, more important by far, if there is something you want to change about yourself.

If you think you're stifling yourself - I do, but you may not agree - a good IC can help.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:45 PM, Sunday, September 20th]

To follow up on what 1stWife said,

Ask yourself WHY you want to Reconcile w/ this man-child. You sound miserable. You have another kid to parent — he’s not a partner.

You have a young son and a 12-year-old daughter that need you and have been through the trauma of their father's emotional abuse (calling her a liar when she pointed out the holes in his stories), his abandonment, and now the chaos that his return has brought under your roof. They need stability and they need parent who is sane and focused on their well-being... and they won't get that while you remain married to your WH. He isn't giving you any other option.

Not that it matters why he returned, but I read in your bio that he came running back after you took your money out of the joint account and sought child support. I think he realized that it would be cheaper and more secure for him to remain married to you than to attempt a new life with his mistress. It's also likely that the thrill of the affair wore off once they were living together and were going through the boring, predictable motions of everyday life.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:02 PM, Monday, September 21st]

Thank you all so much for your replies and support. It helps more than you know.
I'm under no illusion that he came back because he suddenly realised he loved me and this life. It's very clear the bubble burst and when he isn't under scrutiny he says he had to get away from her manipulation.
He is a creature of comfort and will always flow to the most comfortable position. Sadly at the moment he feels I am the most comfortable place but I have no doubt once he has a better income and means to move away from the public shame, he will.
I'm just waiting it out. It's incredibly hard for me to completely shut out someone who has no family or friends to lean on. My son still loves him and I'm determined to give a good example to my children of kindness even when it is hard.

The couples therapy was useful in that in the week since I haven't felt the need to keep the affair alive in case it was forgotten and my experience diminished. Before the session I felt I needed to remind him of the affair and the damage it caused because he wouldn't discuss it. And if I didn't bring it up he took it as softening which angered me even more. The therapy has felt like a safe place to unload it and where it will be stored so I don't have to carry it anymore. I truly believe he will, with some help, realise he has been unhappy for years and this isn't what he wants.

It's very clear the bubble burst and when he isn't under scrutiny he says he had to get away from her manipulation.

This is extremely self-serving of him. I have no doubt that the OW is a piece of work (they all are) but him saying that she is a manipulator without even a whiff of self-awareness really shows that he is a long way off from taking responsibility for his actions and becoming anything close to a safe partner.

I'm just waiting it out. It's incredibly hard for me to completely shut out someone who has no family or friends to lean on. My son still loves him and I'm determined to give a good example to my children of kindness even when it is hard.

I don't know what your husband's history is, but maybe the reason he has no friends or family to lean on is because he burns bridges everywhere he goes. I understand that you want demonstrate kindness to your son, but I doubt that you want your son internalizing the lesson that kindness means letting someone hurt you repeatedly, which is what your husband is doing.

I truly believe he will, with some help, realise he has been unhappy for years and this isn't what he wants.

How long are you willing to wait for that to happen and how much damage are you willing to sustain in the mean time? You don't have to have that answer for us or even right now, but it's a question that you absolutely need to ask yourself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:48 PM, Thursday, September 24th]