SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I saw every reply but I wasn't able to respond not sure what the problem is with my account.

I agree with the commenters that whatever she did crossed a line and no married woman should do that. But there are a few things I want to clarify. Her going out for girls' night weekly or dancing on another man's shoulderI never considered that a red line. It's been like that since we were teenagers. Not once did I take offense, and she never gave me a reason to.

Her girls' nights out aren't always hard parties like last weekend. Sometimes she'd stay at one of her friends' places just to talk, go to a movie, visit an art gallery things like that.

So where I am right now I can sense smoke but I can't see any fire. I'm not someone who confronts without clear evidence, so what I'm doing is giving her space while paying attention. She doesn't know I'm watching.

Our schedules are normal managing the kids and work. Sometimes she gets home first, sometimes me. I've picked her up two evenings in the last two weeks. We still do our weekly date night and everything looks normal on the surface. Not once have I caught her being off or different.

Our intimacy is good and we're very active. We were trying for a third kid and both of us were fully in it. I wanted to subtly check something last weekend. I asked her "Soof, should I use a condom if you want, I don't mind... just until you're okay and sure." I played what I had. It was on her what it meant. Her response was "No, I'm sure. I'm all in, so don't bother about that."

Another night I casually brought up that we should both get STI checkups every few months. Her reaction was a bit sharp slightly angry and offended. She didn't engage with it openly and didn't say much. I still don't know what to make of that.

So I've quietly paused the third kid plan for now. If she slept with Marcus or if something happened that night, I don't want to be raising someone else's child by mistake while I still have doubts. I just told her let's push the plan back a few months because my health hasn't been great. She agreed but looked upset. I felt bad about it. But if she ever understands where that's coming from, I think she'll come to me for a real conversation on her own.

About the gala two days ago she told me she got the invitation and asked me to come with her. I'll give her credit for that, it was straightforward. But I didn't say yes or no. I'm not ready to walk into a room with those men — people who were at that villa with her, whatever happened there. I'm just not comfortable with it.

I feel a little guilty about this, but I took her laptop again and checked her WhatsApp and Instagram. With Ines she's chatting every day but nothing explicit came up.

With Marcus they're still in regular contact. Nothing explicit there either, but they've been discussing a fashion project and he's offered Sofia a consulting role. She said yes. I understand she works with men all the time and always has. But this one sits differently with me though I genuinely can't tell if that's instinct or just jealousy. I don't want her to lose a real opportunity because of my own noise.

The coldness is gone. She's back to her normal self. But I can't pretend that nothing has changed between us.

Derk, I think your approach to wait and observe is the correct one for now. Wait a few weeks to see if nothing else comes up. If it doesn't and she doesn't initiate the discussion first, then it would be in order to have a polite discussion about how that situation felt for you and establishing some boundaries in the future. For me it doesn't sound like there was cheating, but risky and subjectively undignified behavior.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 12:23 PM, Wednesday, June 24th]

Another night I casually brought up that we should both get STI checkups every few months. Her reaction was a bit sharp slightly angry and offended. She didn't engage with it openly and didn't say much. I still don't know what to make of that.

Derk, this is a wild thing to casually suggest to a spouse.

On balance, it’s a good sign that she seemed offended. On the other hand, not great that she did not engage with it. The only reason a person would suggest that is that they suspect their parter of cheating. If you were worried about yourself, you’d just go get tests without telling her. So I wouldn’t be so sure that she doesn’t know you’re watching her.

This exchange and your approach makes me wonder about the quality of your marital communication. I mean, you just casually, in a sideways manner, accused her of cheating (with reason!) and she just "didn’t say much."

Like, why haven’t you had a conversation about her taking drugs? Why wouldn’t you tell her you never want to have a repeat of that night a week or two ago?

I was watching the World Cup the other night with my son, brother-in-law and nephew. Nephew just got back from his first year in college. He told me that on campus the college give out these strips of paper (or whatever they are) so that the students can test drugs for fentanyl. The college knows they can’t stop the students from taking the drugs, so they’re giving out these tests to at least keep them alive. How can you passively tolerate her taking risks like that?

My own humble opinion is if you’re not going to confront about the cheating, you need to at least set some boundaries around the drugs and the late nights. And if you’re going to spy instead of confronting, spy properly. Hire a private investigator. Find out about what Sophia’s really up to, and who Marcus is, and Ines and all that. Don’t just sit around hoping she’ll decide to talk to you.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:18 PM, Wednesday, June 24th]

I read this third thread on the same issue and was thinking if I should bother writing my third reply with the same suggestion.

Derk

ASSUMING you two both think you are in a monogamous relationship then WHY should either of you feel a need for regular STI tests? Isn’t this a very concealed, passive-aggressive way of telling her you think she might be cheating? Or telling her that you might be fooling around?

I know I suggested you ask if a STD test was required. That is totally different from suggesting you both do one every four months. My question is a direct "did something happen that night that might put our health at risk?" question.

Don’t beat around the bush.
Your concerns are valid, and I am 100% certain you can use the framework I outlined as a form of initiating a conversation about what happened and why it’s normal for you not to be uncomfortable about it. You will solve your problem by being direct and talking about the issue, rather than scouting houses and trying to guess the value and behavior of men you don’t know.

A few suggestions.

Stick to this one thread rather than starting new ones. It makes it easier for members to follow your story and offer better advice and guidance.

If you want to reply to something specific a member wrote, highlight the passage, copy and paste it into your new reply, highlight again and then hit the quotation mark box above the text field.

Take a look at Bigger's tag line. The man has been here for over 20 years. He knows what he's talking about. Personally, many years ago, I found his advice and guidance, his insight and hard earned wisdom, to be exceptional (and I still do!).

I'd imagine there's a part of you that's afraid to find out that your worst fears are true - that you don't want to know what, if anything, happened that night. At the same time, you don't want to reveal your suspicions or insecurities because of how that might look in her eyes. Being vulnerable is scary. Allowing your doubts and fears to fester, however, is even worse. We all know how that feels.

It's going to take some real courage to sit down with your wife and share all of this with her. Just remember, being vulnerable isn't a weakness; it's strength.

I would go to the gala and bring the best version of my old, sorry ass with me! I'm still not convinced that anything "that" bad happened. The regrets might have been about drugs, IMO. Both girls changing clothes... the pool had to have something to do with it. If the pool was indeed involved somehow, then at least they were swimming in their clothes! To be honest, I believe it is much more probable that somebody fell into the pool or jumped and the rest followed, than that there was an orgy taking place

If my wife suggested that we get STD testing on a regular basis my assumptions would be she thinks I'm screwing around or she is screwing around and I don't know about it. Either way this is a serious topic to bring up unless both of you are engaged in swinging

I am extremely bothered by her lack of a very emotional reaction to your suggestion. If she is being monogamous I would think her reaction would have been somewhat explosive because you are either accusing her of cheating or you are admitting that you are, because if neither one of you are sleeping with other people there's absolutely no reason to get tested

I am extremely baffled by the fact that she did not aggressively pursue that topic with you right then and there.

Right now I'm leaning towards her assuming you have kind of figured out what she's doing on the side and since you haven't confronted her about it you must be okay with it

This is another huge red flag for me

Well, idk what kind of drugs she's using, but you can get STDs from previously used needles... Also some STDs can be dormant for up to a decade before symptoms emerge, so there's that as well.

But most people don't think about that when their spouses suggest STD testing. I agree that her not saying much is sus, or at least a sign of suboptimal communication practices within the marriage.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, June 24th]

Our intimacy is good and we're very active. We were trying for a third kid and both of us were fully in it.

I gotta ask then: is it really a good idea for your WW to be going out and partying like this?

Just because things are supposedly great in the interactions between you does NOT change what may have happened the week before or what she is doing outside of your presence. And meanwhile, it is bizarre that you are sharing so much with us, without talking w your wife about what you have found.

If you're afraid to go to the gala, you've got an issue that has only one permanent resolution: talk with your W about your fears. Find out how she'll respond.

I, too, wonder why she didn't talk about why you suggested STD testing.

Right now, you won't confront without evidence, and you won't gather any evidence.