SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all

I can't count but I'm probably around 5 years into R.

We don't talk about it, I don't think about it unless I'm away or something.

He's the model H.

But I still can't shake the feeling that I don't think I will ever heal from the betrayal since it took so many things from me.

It took my sparkle, my joy, my calm, my sense of self. I never felt like the same person again.

I feel a bit like a veteran who comes home and is present but never really present. Like a part of me is just gone.

I can't fault my H or our day to day life. He's kind, loving, and I have zero fear he'd ever do it again.

Truthfully he's a better person for it.

But for me, it forever took something from me. I can't even explain what but it's something like my specialness, my positive life story.

I dunno. It's very very hard to articulate but I feel soiled and so many aspects of me were the price paid.

I still, if I'm honest, don't really understand how or why he did the things he did, but it robbed me forever of something indescribably precious.

Does this resonate with anyone?

Hi GraceLoves,

I hear you. I feel you. I could write a book back to you.

Mine is not the model WH, by far. Even if he had been, I think I would remain changed permanently in ways I did not wish to change.

I liked myself so much better before all this, and I guess I thought others liked me more as well. There is a deep hurt in discovering that I love people more than they are capable of loving me in return, and in discovering that the foundational components of my relationship were never really there, just implied, or imagined.

There is a deep humility in realizing just how easily I could be manipulated and fooled because I did not want to accept the truth, to understand not just the lies of his secret life, but the silly illusions of mine.

I broke my foot last year, spent months unable to walk and that was a very humbling experience. I am mostly healed now, but there are random pains that come and go, and there are certain shoes I cannot wear ever again. Hiking and walking on uneven terrain is painful and risky, and although I really miss the years of my life where walking didn’t require attention and was one of my favorite things, I try to be grateful that I am back on two feet, can navigate the stairs and life without so much pain and difficulty. I will have to always take care to avoid pain and future re-injury.

There are a lot of parallels to my marriage and my life brought on by that one missed step, and by my WH’s LTA. My foot will never be quite the same and neither will I. It’s not all bad, though, the personal growth and changes, and I have found acceptance for other difficulties in my life through this one. I see areas where I am growing stronger and finding pieces of myself to nurture again. It’s a never ending process for me now, navigating the challenges I did not bring upon myself, but must deal with regardless.

Best to you finding your self, your sparkle, joy and calm. I console myself these days by saying you can’t have it all, you never could. Take what good bits you can find.

It took my sparkle, my joy, my calm, my sense of self.

Looks like PTSD. There's a book called Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder.

In the end, it's up to the BS to decide to sparkle, to decide to rebuild a sense of self. PTSD can put up a big barrier to doing that. Since you still feel the effects of being betrayed, have you considered IC?

We don't talk about it, I don't think about it unless I'm away or something.

I done that for 17 years. She pretend it never happened ( kept the lie) I dare not to bring it up (preserving the lie and protecting her self image I treasured).

It destroyed me.

PTSD, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts.
IN the end surrender, it all went away.

And she can't hide behind it anymore, now she is talking about it, now she is doing therapy and work to resolve the root issues.

Sure the spark for her is gone, but my individual spark and joy are shinier than ever.
It may never be the same for your Wayward Partner, feelings of love are dead for me as of today, I do not know if they can ever possibly come back, I do not care, I feel good, stronger.

And that's should be your goal. You.

If your husband can heal (not just behave), then good, it will make him a better person.
You cannot have a real R until you, the BS spouse are healed, and until the WS heal himself.

I was betrayed 18 years ago during a long distance relationship, in a horrible way.
If that's like what's in your signature it definitively resonates with me.

I do not know your whole story yet Grace, but if you feel still robbed and you do not talk about it, then you are not healed, you are sinking into the abyss and pretending is all fine.

IC and sharing your emotions is critical for you right now. Start here, vent, the feeling you have are emotions you are silencing reaching critical mass.

Believe me I know what is like. I have been there. Don't make my same mistake.

Grace, it is not sadness. It’s rage. It’s under the surface but it’s there. How dare someone take your love, your trust, and wreck it. How dare they ruin your belief in them. How dare they lie. How dare they give that attention to another person.

Human beings have very long memories. We never forget. It’s impossible to forget an insult. Cheating and lying to us are insults. It’s a form of abuse. It’s keeping a whole part of our lives unknown to us. So…we want revenge. Wars get started over revenge.

I think it might help for you to have IC. Someone you can tell your nastiest thoughts to. I know my rose colored glasses are gone but most of us lose them anyway. Life has the capacity to blindside us. It might not be a spouse. It could be a boss, a friend, or any person on this earth. We need to, if possible, choose happiness. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"

Hi again,

I read the other responses and felt I should have offered you more encouragement and maybe something beyond me too and a bleak venting post. I really thought about what Back from the Storm wrote, and agree there is more to be healed in us both. I have done all the counseling I care to for now, as far as finding or understanding myself, but you should pursue anything that might help you to sparkle again, and find new ways to live your best life. My therapist had me write a hundred dreams I have left for my life, and I really don’t have many unfulfilled dreams at this stage in my life. I would just like to feel grounded and safe in my reality again, but since I never really pieced it all together or got closure, it is a challenge.

I have reached a place of acceptance staying with my WH that I can live with, but I have had to make compromises and choices I would rather not, and changes in how I think and process, which is really hard, because I have a stubborn brain. Still, I’m more sure of some of the pieces of me that are awesome, that can’t be changed, and that make this all the harder because of who I am and how I love. Be real proud of the parts of you responsible for the struggles you face, they are the best parts of yourself, the parts willing to stay, to love anyway, to do the hard work in every corner of your head and heart, to see what you can still build together, to stay honest and true to your self and others. Therapy gave me that perspective, to honor what has come before and what remains, to be proud of myself and the path I am walking.

Maybe we both just need more time than some to mourn the lives and selves we lived before, to say goodbye to the parts of ourselves we have lost, and to say hello to what we choose to fill that space with.

But for me, it forever took something from me. I can't even explain what but it's something like my specialness, my positive life story.

I totally get this, GraceLoves. I'm in the middle of divorcing my WS, but I still feel this pain. The dream of a life-long partner, a person who would stay by my side from the day of our wedding until our last breath, a person who would love only me from that day forward - those dreams are forever gone, and it breaks my heart whenever I think about it. Whether we R or D, this is the reality that we must accept.

As for being the same person you were, I don't think that's possible. The innocence that exists before betrayal will never return (for any of us), but life is full of tragedies, and none of us is alone in our suffering.

I do have sparkle, though, and I find joy in life. During the years of trying R, there was always a shadow hanging over those positive moments. Now that I've separated, that shadow has largely lifted. Grief still comes, often at night or in the early morning, but the moments of joy are mine alone, and I can appreciate them fully.

I understand. 27 years of trust vanished in 30 seconds when I discovered what my wife was doing. Were you to ask any of our family and friends if they could see her doing this the answer would have been hell no

It became worse when I confronted her because instead of Tears and apologies and begging for forgiveness I got anger and vitriol and accusations that I was hiding things. After an hour-long conversation where she just sat there with her arms folded shooting daggers at me with her eyes the closest she came to remorse was saying I'm sorry this upsets you and her words were flat and absent of any emotion

The next morning she was still just as angry and when she came home that afternoon I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you and I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. There's a suitcase upstairs, I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave so please leave. She stared at me for a few seconds, packed the bag, said something to the older two boys, said I'm leaving, I said okay, she walked out and I was convinced I would be looking for an attorney Monday morning

When we met two days later to discuss the next steps she did a 180. She was crying and begging for forgiveness and another chance

I asked multiple times during multiple conversations what did you think would happen if I found out and her response for months was I never thought about it and to me that translated as I really didn't give a shit if you found out. After 3 or 4 months she finally admitted that she thought I would just get upset, I would be mad for a few days, I would get over it, life would go on. She was so confident that no matter what I couldn't end the relationship.

That told me that she took me for granted. I had become the steady Dependable reliable trustworthy hard-working (boring) husband who would always be there no matter what so she felt free to have her fun and the consequences be damned. From 7:00 a.m. till 3:00 p.m. she was the fun flirty provocative sexting woman and at 3:00 p.m. she would delete her sexting history with her married coworker and revert to the loving trustworthy wife. She had the best of both worlds. He gave her fun and excitement and I gave her Safety and Security

I would have given my life for her without a moment hesitation but that died in me. Now if it ever came down to a choice between her or me I choose me and I don't feel guilty for feeling this way. She showed me that our relationship was not what I thought it was

These days I am jaded about relationships and I advise young guys to not get married, the reward is just not worth the risk these days. Bust your ass, wear yourself out providing, spend the weekend fixing things, do little things spontaneously to show her that you love her, but in the end selfishness wins out

I am now at a point where if I were to find out that she was cheating I would just shrug my shoulders and go on with my day. The affair permanently destroyed part of me. I no longer get that feeling of happiness or excitement when I surprise her with some token of love. I used to wake up early to scrape the snow and ice from her car but now I let her do it

Now, the affair did Force positive changes in her. One of my demands was that she start IC. I had suggested 5 years ago that we talk with a marital counselor to learn how to communicate better and she was adamantly against the idea. Her response was no, it could bring up other problems in our relationship to which I replied well wouldn't it be a good thing to address these problems and she said no I think it's a bad idea so I found an IC for myself and told her I have an appointment on Thursday with the therapist and she was upset. She said why didn't you talk to me about this and I said I did, you were adamantly against the idea, so I am going by myself and it was amazing. For the first time in 50 years I finally felt like I had someone I could talk to

My wife has been going now for about a year and a half and I am shocked that she lasted more than 2 months but if she had quit early on I would have ended the relationship. She is now processing some pretty bad stuff that happened in her childhood and honestly she is a model wife these days but there is just some damage that cannot be repaired. I just don't see myself ever being 100% open and comfortable with her nor do I see me being able to do that with any woman ever again

But I did come out of this much stronger. I was able to finally break this horrible codependency thing I had. I was finally able to realize that she did not complete me, I was already complete, she just adds to me but were we to go our separate ways I would be just fine

And as usual I have rattled on way too long. Find your own happiness wherever you can and do not rely on someone else for it

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:57 PM, Friday, February 6th]

Yes. 11+ years since dday and I feel the same. I feel detached from everything.