SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For context, I’m going to give a quick background look into my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years (total.) I put total in parentheses because we broke up for a year due to reasons that have nothing to do with cheating, just to preface. We’re high school sweethearts, been through quite a lot together. Last April he graduated boot camp. We rekindled then. By June, we were officially back together.

Fast forward and it’s October of 2025. After several restless nights, one morning I woke up and after many days of contemplation, I messaged a specific girl who was training with him that he followed on Instagram. I had no evidence at all he was cheating, and that it was her, it was my gut.

Lo and behold, they had a secret relationship from April to June. See, I wouldn’t have even considered it technically cheating if it did not intertwine with mine and his relationship since we were not officially together until the latter of their relationship, but it did. And he was still in contact with her.

I confronted him. Mind you, we are long distance and at this time he was on the other side of the United States so that added more stress to the situation. His apology did actually seem genuine. I’ve dealt with a cheating partner before and his remorse seemed sincere to me. I decided to stay.

Now, It’s been 4 almost 5 I guess now months of our "reconciliation." It hasn’t been easy. He has done good, for what it’s worth. Gave me all passwords to anything, is transparent about things, the gist of it. And I would like to say I have healed to an extent.

People judge me a lot for my choice. The main factor being that we are young adults and I have too much time left to stay with a cheater. The only defense I have to that is I know who he was before any of this. It may sound naive, but I’ve known him for years. I’m not blaming the military, but there are stereotypes for a reason. He very well could have always been a person capable of doing such. I may not believe that, but what I choose to think moving forward & what I told him is he made a costly decision & has to pick up the pieces of what he broke. But most importantly rewire whatever part of his brain that made him think it was okay to do it to make us work.

I’m not here to ask why he did what he did.. or if I’m going to get cheated on again. I know the likelihood and I know the risks. I know that my situation may not end up successful like others. I just want to know if there’s anyone out there who has dealt with my similar situation and worked it out. I want things to work out between us, and on paper they’re good. But when you get cheated on it becomes almost like PTSD. If there’s anything that helped strengthen your relationship, or made the process easier if any, whatever it may be. I’m all ears.

[This message edited by ghoulify at 9:25 AM, Thursday, February 5th]

I am going to respond to your specific question.

Yes my H & I have successfully reconciled. While not in the military he traveled extensively for decades with his career. One year he commuted to the opposite coast for almost a year. Other times he’s in a foreign country for 7 days.

My H has changed since his last affair and I no longer "wonder" if he’s cheating. Even if he travels for work now, I don’t get suspicious. So to answer your question people can and do change.

In your case you have to decide what is best for you. You may want to network with other military spouses to get their perspective on what your future holds in terms of being apart or moving often.

My advice to you is this. Always have a plan. By that I mean be prepared for life’s events. Kids. Illness. Frequent moving (as part of the military life). Being apart for extended periods.

Always have emergency money just in case. When my H planned to walk out the door years and years ago, we had kids, house with a mortgage I couldn’t afford on my own, credit card debt, college savings plans that needed funding and I had NO IDEA if I’d have to fight for child support or not.

You need a plan not for a D but for life. What if your partner/husband becomes ill and cannot work? Can you survive that financially? What if you have a child with a medical condition? Can you work together to do what’s needed or will your relationship or marriage suffer?

This is life. You want to know you have a partner or spouse you can rely on. That’s what dating is for - building a relationship that shows you how life will be if married.

Hope this helps you.

I’m not here to ask why he did what he did.. or if I’m going to get cheated on again. I know the likelihood and I know the risks. I know that my situation may not end up successful like others. I just want to know if there’s anyone out there who has dealt with my similar situation and worked it out. I want things to work out between us, and on paper they’re good. But when you get cheated on it becomes almost like PTSD. If there’s anything that helped strengthen your relationship, or made the process easier if any, whatever it may be. I’m all ears.

Had that 18 years ago exactly right now, We were 20s.

I lived in Italy she lived in Poland.
We were together since 2005. 19 th January 2008, she went out to a club and cheated. Kept it hidden until 26th March (she kept lying about it, we broke up, she denied the affair).
The OM dumped her in May and she rushed back to me. Keeping the lie. Like you, I wanted her back, after few months I confronted and she admitted the cheating.

Like you I wanted to believe this made her a better person, that would not happen again. It happened again. She admitted it only last November after 15 years.

Lied all the time, during the engagement, during wedding, during marriage.
I suffered PTSD from 19th January 2008 until late Septemeber 2025.

It destroyed me so much that there was no way to repair or heal, I reached post traumatic integration by surrender.
So I am better than I could ever be now, but I lost forever the person I was for my entire life, that identity is dead forever.

It is a good place to be, don't get me wrong, but it is not guaranteed to ever happen for most PTSD and is definitively not worth the price you will pay in the process. (If I knew I would work on therapy immediately, I am lucky I survived it)

You are showing my very same initial symptoms, make no mistake, I am one of few lucky ones, most get stuck with PTSD for the rest of their lives, you should heal not suffer in silence.

IC therapy and work on your emotion and inner peace, acceptance, regulation is critical for your life and happiness.

You can speak here, do not compress emotions share, and look for counseling.
From someone who was exactly there.

It's a 2-5 year hard effort. And that's when you have regular access to your partner. So recovering from this could take as long as you have been with your BF so far. That's just to get back to the baseline you were at before he cheated. Not to build 5 more years of wonderful memories.

If you say you understand the risks, so be it.

I'm going to frame this with an analogy just to crystalize it a bit for you. You are basically choosing to spend 50,000 dollars to rebuild a kia forte because it was your first car.

Yes, it can be done. But it's going to be expensive, take a long time, and at the end of the day you'll have a kia forte with a salvage title. But you'll have the emotional comfort that you are still driving your first car.

If that emotional irrationality is worth it to you, then go for it.

So you say you want to reconcile. You are going to need:

1) Both of you to enter IC. He needs to figure out why he gave himself permission to lie to you and how he will change his thought patterns. You need to heal from your betrayal trauma. The Body Keeps the Score is a good book on PTSD, which yes, you are most likely suffering from.

2) I can recommend some affair recovery books "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help your Spouse Heal from your affair".

3) Once he becomes a safe partner you should get couples counseling so that communication barriers are down.

It is possible. And I'm trying not to add to the "shame of staying". However, you are in a situation where R is very hard to recommend. The effort you feel defending yourself from judgment on that decision is a fraction of the effort R itself will take.