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Am I wrong for not believing her more? She says it hurts that the one person she thought had her back doesn’t believe her. She has deleted all social media, started therapy, and is making more of an effort at home—cooking more, showing more affection, making time for me, and constantly telling me she loves me. Is this the sign of a changed woman, or a guilty conscience?

There is no guilt here.

Only gaslighting.

She is gaslighting you.

You are gaslighting yourself.

I know how you feel, been there, you want desperately to believe her and refuse the idea she can be the woman that she truly is. You hope you can convince yourself she is still the woman you loved.

She is not, this is her true nature.

You will see it along the way. Now you feel you cannot, but you will.

Only question is: do you want to get worse? Or do you want to accept it now and take the measures to protect yourself?

It will just hurt more if you pull your head under the sand.

Believe it or not, what you do now will tell her 2 things:

- One + there will be consequences for my disgusting behavior and I will be rejected and left alone (she may turn around and work on herself to become a better person, or leave and roll deeper into the mud. Both are a win win for you.)

- Two + I can fuck around and with you, because you are so desperate to play "pick me" that I can pleasure herself with as many Affair Partners as I like in the future. You will swallow it and do nothing, I can always lie to you. It works now, it will work later.

What do you want from your partner?

Anyway there is only one healthy decision. For you no doubt, no questions. For her as well if she realizes the horror of what she did, turns around and start working, she might become a decent person.

From what you sound you are being an accessory to your own betrayal, you get lied and your wife and the Other Man are laughing it off while having "fun" behind your back.

Please open your eyes, she is not remorseful at all, it's performance not guilt.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:58 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Put me in the camp of not believing they did not have PIV sex. But, here are some additional thoughts.

1) it is possible that he has some fetish about masturbating on women. Sex drive can be very strange so however unlikely, it is in the realm of possibility. If she had said thats all he wanted to do that might lend a tiny bit of credence. But if that was the case, why dis she go back to him?? Unless that excited her too.

2) What about taking her phone and texting him as your WW? Do it with zero foreknowledge on her part. When you text, tell him my husband found out and keeps asking about what happened. If my husband contacts you will you please tell him we only had full sex in person a few times? He thinks we were having sex for months. Then see how he replies.

3) if, by chance, the masturbation story is true, imo that is still a form of sex. Not as bad as PIV or oral but when you let a man do that to you after months of sexting it is very sexual. Does she alao admit to kissing with the cuddling? Touching him? Its all foreplay and if somehow he didnt enter her it was still sexual and she needs to own that.

4) if there is an other poly, it needs to be you scheduling it at antime she is not aware. Then you change her purse so she can knly take her wallet, which you check for any drugs that might alter her heart rate. I am not necessarily recommending another but consider that approach if you want one.

She says that’s all she allowed, but when she claims she didn’t watch and that it wasn’t enjoyable, her version loses credibility. These statements feel like minimization—an attempt to make the situation seem less serious—because the facts, including confessions, texts, and arranged meetings, clearly point to sexual activity. What actually happened doesn’t change based on how she frames it, which is why it’s hard to take her version at face value.

What about texting posom from her phone to see how he responds and thus get more data? Would that potentially work in your situation?

You're wavering in denial. I asked my wife was something going on. She looked me straight in the eyes and said No. But something wasn't right and something felt out of place. She was doing weird things and hiding phone and where she had been. If you feel it's not adding up then it's probably not adding up. If you rugsweep your just putting the pain further down the road. Get a plan together on how to get the info you need. For me, I'm a tech nerd so I dumped her devices and created the timeline from the data while she was sleeping. Her world was forever changed when I woke her and told her she had to leave. She literally was vomitting out what she had done. It took about two weeks of planning. But being straight forward wasn't working. Patience and resolve did though. Once she admitted most of it ( there was some more gas lighting after) she started to see the light.

She says it hurts that the one person she thought had her back doesn’t believe her.

Has she always been this unreasonable and lacking in empathy? No one who has failed a polygraph and has changed their story multiple times should be at all surprised that they’re viewed with suspicion.

I’m sorry you are here.

From my perspective Two truths exist:

1) she cheated. She cheated emotionally and sexually (physically). Whether there was intercourse or not, pulling her pants down, exposing her privates and letting him do his thing is cheating. It’s enough of a betrayal to warrant divorce. Like you I do t believe that was all they did. But it’s more than enough. And all things physical that led to that moment, hugging, kissing, caressing all add to the intimacy of this affair. I would make that clear to her.

2) she’s a liar. She tried to hide the relationship. She lied to you several times and reversal of admission is basically the same as lying by omission. I would let her know that all trust is broken because of this and it will take years and perhaps even more than a decade to repair what she has done if that’s the path you both choose to follow.

To me I would make it clear that both of the above mean she has broken her vows and seriously damaged if not destroyed the marriage as it was.

You are probably feeling that you don’t want to leave and end the marriage as you have hope it can be salvaged. My opinion, and it’s only mine so use it as it works for you, is that she already ended the marriage thru her choices and actions.

You can’t duct tape it back together and think it will ever be what it was.

Instead to me, the right path, whether it’s eventually going separate ways or building something new starts with the same first step: Separation, legally and Physically; and using the time apart working each on yourselves.

Rebuilding cannot start until she works to fix what was broken in her to begin with. I hope her therapist is an infidelity specialist. If not tell her you have no chance of a future together down the road if she doesn’t find one to work with.

And I recommend you work with a trauma specialist. It will take a long time to work thru this pain. Really no work on the marriage will be fruitful until you do.

You get to decide the terms of the separation. I would let her know that if she decides to spend her time with the AP or any other man that you will start divorce proceedings. If it were me, I might file anyway, but that is for you to decide.

And the last thing I would communicate to her is that rebuilding a relationship after infidelity starts with a long term plan and that if true reconciliation is what she wants, she needs to research what one contains and create the first draft of such a plan.

But she needs to realize it will be one that will have 1 3 5 and 10 year milestones and will never be easy, so if she’s not up for that work she should be honest and not waste either of your time.

Again sorry for your pain and I wish you well.