SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not ready to file or move out yet, but I’m in a much better place mentally.

Any advice on managing the next steps—detachment, dealing with the trauma, or holding the line when she inevitably tries to reel me back in would be appreciated.

I get it. I wasn't ready for a long time. Detaching from someone you love, even if they're actively hurting you, is not an easy or a quick process. I'm glad you've taken some steps toward emotional detachment. The 180 is hard to do when you're under the same roof, but people have done it.

As for dealing with next steps, please find a good therapist who is clear-eyed about addiction and infidelity and who has experience dealing with trauma. This will help you in your healing process, whatever form that takes.

Make a list of the ways she has hurt you. Write down all the details. When you start to feel sorry for her or like you want her back, read that document. Remind your future self why it's not worth it.

If she tries to guilt trip you about leaving her, remind yourself that it was her actions that created the situation. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Also, you don't *owe her anything*, no matter how nice she is to you. And lastly, don't listen to her words. Pay attention to her actions.

The thing with a painful, abusive situation is that not every day is a bad day. In fact, there are a lot of okay days, and even some good days. What we tend to forget is that we didn't used to have bad days, and certainly not so many of them. The human brain is really good at rationalizing in order to survive. A competent therapist can really help you gain some clarity on what's actually going on and how it's affecting you.

The 180 is a good start. Also, the following is real important to your future, mentally and physically. Every decision you make, choose whatever RAISES your self respect and dignity. You’ve sacrificed enough of both already. Don’t become a husk of a person for the rest of your life.

Sometimes things just develop...
Like if you found a mole on your chest and thought that MAYBE it might be melanoma or some other form of skin-cancer you could ignore it and do nothing. With time – even if you do nothing – it could turn out to be a benign mole and even just disappear gradually. Or with time it can develop into an aggressive cancer and spread all over you.
Had you seen a doctor and had it looked into early-on... At worst he would have assured you not to worry, at best he would have removed it before it spread.

I have a feeling things are just "developing" at your house, and that you are somehow hoping this will be a plain mole, and not cancer. Rather than base your future on wishful hope... base it on the decisions YOU make.

I am strongly going to suggest some things for you.

For one – focus on YOUR mental health. You talk to your doctor about anti-depressants (they take a long time to kick in, so start soon!). Start taking time for YOU: take walks, go to the gym, tend to a hobby. Eat. Not just anything but healthy. Normal food. Sleep. Get your 8 hours per day. None of this will fix your marriage, but it will improve you, and that in turn helps YOU handle your issues.

Second – Be clear. Use clear messages with clear consequences and timeframes.
Like... Do you want her to leave or do you want to save the marriage?
Telling her (asking her) to leave and then asking her how she plans on saving the marriage... it doesn’t work. It’s like asking someone how they plan to stay dry while swimming.
If you want this marriage over, then let her know and don’t ask when she will leave, but how she sees the next steps in terminating the marriage. YOU can file, and YOU can control the pace of the divorce. Moving out and separating... those are just steps in that process.

If you want this marriage to be saved then let her know:
"Honey – Most of all I would want us to reconcile from what has taken place. I can’t do that without serious commitment from you. That includes things like quitting your present job, 100% accountable transparency (and whatever else you need). I also need that we decide on some firmly defined steps such as counseling, a deadline for total truth etc.
If you commit to these things I will commit to a 30 day period where I will focus on reconciliation no matter what new truths come to light. As long as you adhere to my requirements (NC, has handed in her resignation...).
Any breach of my requirements will probably lead to me deciding after those 30 days that we can’t reconcile. If we adhere to the plan I will extend for another 30 days.
You can refuse to accept my offer, but that is also telling me that WE as a COUPLE are over."

In other words; you give a clear message about expectations and requirements, along with measurable results and a timeline.

I question your reluctance in letting others know. Stakeholders in the marriage such as her parents, siblings, your marital friends... can play a pivotal role in helping her decide to commit to you, or the affair. They can offer the support you need by dragging you to the gym, getting you or even you two as a couple out for some time off. They can offer moral, logical support. They can recommend therapists, attorneys... whatever. They can offer help – and that help will be based on trying to do what’s best for you – both of you.

root123, one of the biggest mistakes you can make-- and that will keep you bogged down in infidelity indefinitely--is mistaking your WW's reluctance to divorce for a desire to rebuild or remain in a relationship with you.

Since you've been together since you were both very young, her entire adulthood, social network, and support system have been entirely shaped by and are dependent on her relationship with you. Getting divorced from you would be a cataclysmic change in her entire universe and that terrifies her.

She probably likes you very much. I'm sure she also recognizes that, on paper, you're better "husband/father" material than OM. But I think that if she were to be completely honest with you and herself, she would admit that she's been checked out of your relationship for a long time (probably the "depression" that you observed), is deeply in love with the other man, and, if she were guaranteed that she would lose absolutely nothing by leaving you, she would be with him right now.

Also, almost all WWs who have been caught will vehemently insist that they were relentlessly pursued by their Don Juan of an AP until they finally succumbed to his charms. Maybe that's true in rare cases, but more often than not, it's bullshit attempt to play victim and avoid accountability. In your specific case, I don't think OM dumped his girlfriend to chase after an uninterested married chick; I think it's far more likely that he broke up with his girlfriend because he was already hooking up with your wife... or got dumped by his girlfriend because she found out about it.

I'm not saying this to hurt you but to give you a reality check on your situation and some clarity as to why your wife is saying one thing but doing another. I think a year is more than enough time for her to make a decision one way or another and for you to gage her willingness and desire to break off with the OM and commit to your marriage.

Although some might say you can give her a list of requirements, try the 180, and wait and see some more, as WBFA and SacredSoul said, there are risks involved in continuing to stay. You could be on the hook for supporting a child who is not yours. You could contract an STD (the risk of which is certainly higher, given that her OM engages in high risk behavior). For all you know, she could be accumulating debts or siphoning off money to help him out with his bills and his debt. She might even engage in drug activity with him. And then there's the risk that your wellbeing and health will go into decline from the steady dose of poison you're consuming by remaining emotionally invested in a woman who doesn't respect you and is only staying with you because it's the most comfortable choice at the moment.

Lastly, regarding disclosure to family and friends, I don't know what your relationships are with these people or if involving them would do more harm than good. Some people can be very supportive and will have your back, others will try to stay neutral and play Switzerland, and some people might actually take her side and blame you. But I do think that suffering in silence isn't good for you, so I would recommend that you pick one or two people that you completely trust to confide in about your situation.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:09 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

Agree with all the others here. The best way forward is to start protecting yourself. The 180 would be an excellent start for where you are.

Your wife thinks she can keep both worlds until she is more sure of herself. You need to show her the door closed. But more importantly, you need the door closed because the reason you feel you can’t go on is you have continued to be subjected to new trauma over and over again.

A year later nothing has changed. I don’t think your heart can withstand another year of pummeling. You need to opt for self preservation.

There are articles out there by frank Pittman that explain how romantic infidelity is such a Sickness that can go on for years, and the ws will keep going until their marriage is devastated. It requires a long period of time of no contact. I don’t believe she is deeply in love, I believe she has an addiction. The dude is a loser and not an appropriate choice. The instability of their "relationship" is creating big highs and very low lows that create the need to go back for the highs. If she was on herion, or crack, or something to that effect you would be sending her to rehab. You would consider divorce if she couldn’t get clean. This is not different.

People can’t treat addiction on their own very often. It sounds like therapy is not enough.

I personally had this addiction but knew it. Therapy didn’t help with that aspect a whole lot, it helped with many other aspects, but not the addiction itself. I maintained no contact, which includes mentally. I learned how to change the channel in my brain when I would notice that I was thinking about him (I look back and think who did I believe I was thinking of? He really gave me nothing. It was just my desire to get that high, the escapism) No looking at social media, nothing that stimulated the brain receptors for the reward and I still had to be treated with OCD medication. I followed a pretty regimented program to deal with withdrawal and getting better again. Eating better, exercising, gratitude practice, meditation, and other common things you will find people doing in recovery for more obvious addictions.

This is not your responsibility to cure, and you couldn’t even if you wanted to. Get yourself to higher ground. I might even consider talking with a divorce attonrney to get your ducks in a row. You have to think about you now. She is incapable of considering you and that is not going to change anytime soon.

This is not anything that you did, not a statement about your marriage. These are her issues and she has proven she is unwilling to manage them appropriately. This could go on for years.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:45 PM, Friday, April 11th]

Although some might say you can give her a list of requirements, try the 180, and wait and see some more....

I wrote earlier: Note that the 180 is for you. It's a tool you can use to detach, not a tool for bringing your W back.

I'll expand on that a bit.

Like most others who have responded to you, I think your W is lost to you. I also think you feel incapable of following through with the best course of action for you.

In fact, you have strengths in you right now that you haven't dreamt of. In fact, you're loving, lovable, and capable, and you can lead a much better life without her than you are living with her.

The 180 aims at helping you recognize your worth, your strengths, and your ability to make a good life even after losing the love of your life. But those recognitions require detaching your sense of worth from your W and being yourself. You simply aren't your M. You exist separately from your W.

Sometimes, the 180 wakes a WS up, and the WS realizes just how much they'll lose if they persist in their unremorseful path. Sometimes the WS seeks a 2nd chance, and sometimes that happens in time to rebuild the relationship.

But you need the 180 for you. You don't need your W. If she wants to come back ... maybe you'll take her back, and maybe you won't.

I'm with Bigger - tell her what you want and walk away of she won't provide it. The 180 is a great tool to help you on the path of walking away.

Do not do the 180 with the goal of getting her back. If you do that, you'll suffer.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond. I didn’t reply earlier because I’ve been working on shifting my focus back to myself and putting the 180 into practice. It hasn’t been easy, but I needed that space to emotionally detach—even just a little. And truthfully, it’s getting better. I’m actually getting closer and closer to finally pulling the plug...

That said, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on something that’s been bothering me. My wife and I co-own two cars, both paid for 50/50. The better one is registered in my name. A few years ago, I offered it to her for daily use since it was more comfortable for her commute, and she’s been using it as her main car ever since. I used to drive it on weekends, but since the affair started, I’ve had zero access to it. She’s using that car to go see her affair partner, while I’m stuck driving the cheaper one.

She seems to see it as "her" car now, probably because she’s been using it for years—but again, we both paid for it, and it’s in my name. It really stings that she’s driving around with him in it while I have no say and no access to it at all.

Would it be unreasonable for me to take the car back, even if it causes conflict? I’m honestly reaching the point where I’m thinking of demanding her to leave ASAP and informing my family. I’m just trying to draw some boundaries, protect what’s mine, and stop letting this situation disrespect me any further.

I can relate to part of your story as my wife held all of her unhappiness inside and I have told her that I cannot fix what I do not know about. My wife's LTA ended because I finally opened my eyes and questioned things to myself. Unlike yours's my wife's affair has ended on Dday. I feel your pain and desperation, but I have learned through all of this that there is so much that is out of your control and that you need to take care of yourself first. Your wife is gaslighting you and has no respect for you at all. She has changed and her issues are internal and she needs to address them on her own without using you as her safety net. I know you love her deeply but don't let her use that love against you. My situation is so much different, but I want to encourage you to change direction with her and focus on your needs as this is one thing that you can control. Her back-and-forth lifestyle is tearing you apart. I am post Dday three years now from an unusually long LTA. It was devastating but I survived and I did it by taking care of myself and a lot of journaling and podcast watching. You are not alone in this. Break this cycle of abuse and disrespect from her, you deserve better. Plese seek help and take care of yourself.

Lost1313

To answer your question OP about the cars, YES you should demand you get the nicer vehicle back, and meanwhile, it is high time you file for D. I believe that is in ALMOST EVERY post in here so far.

Would it be unreasonable for me to take the car back, even if it causes conflict?

The danger there is starting a petty war with her that could exacerbate your stress. The car is already tainted. I say let her have it.

Don't distract yourself with minutiae. It's a car. When it comes time for division of assets, let the lawyers decide who gets the newer one and who gets the older one plus the china set (or whatever) to balance it out.

If you want the vehicle back (or anything else that you consider "yours") then file for divorce and try to reclaim it as part of the division of assets.

If the car you’re driving is safe and reliable, then you don’t really need the one that she’s driving. You would just be starting a petty argument as an excuse to engage with her.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:29 PM, Thursday, April 17th]

Legally the car is in your name so it’s your car. If she refuses to give it to you, yes, you can demand it blah blah blah.

But knowing the OM was in it - I would not want it back.

However if you D, a higher value car is worth something and you can use it to negotiate for something you may want.

If you D you want to do it as quickly as possible to get out from under this nightmare. Let your attorney do the talking for you — if she starts to come at you for "demanding" certain things during the D process, you can just simply say "take it up with the lawyers" and refuse to engage.

So your wife no longer hides the fact she is actively cheating on you with her AP? She has made a fake attempt at "bettering herself" and trying to "save" the marriage for the last year while she no doubt can see the pain in your eyes. All of this and you are now only "closer and closer to pulling the plug"... what exactly are you holding out for? For her to get tired of this guy and come crawling back? Is she literally an "i'm sorry" and "it won't happen again" away from being someone you want to fight for, start trusting and reconcile with? She does what she does because she has your income and can do whatever she wants on the side, so yeah why would she want to get divorced in this scenario? I think it's your move in this chess game that is your life my good friend.

After reading the other posts, I stand corrected on fighting for the car.

My hope though, is that you are at the point where you go ahead and file for D. Break jerself free from the evil shrew-lady. The way things are now, is just no way to live, and the anger you must be feeling--and stuffing down--has to be really hurting you.

Root:

Keep focusing on your own healing and getting stronger for you. Always value yourself. Maintain the 180. I agree with others about the car. Don’t engage over the car.

Please understand that based on what you have shared with us, despite whatever good qualities and traits your WW possesses, she does not value fidelity or your M. Your WW would cheat no matter who she was married to. She is broken. She values her selfish desire to pursue another man she is attracted to, over her wedding vows to you. Every day she makes the deliberate decision to continue her A even though she knows how much it hurts you. This is supreme selfishness. You deserve a marital partner who cherishes you and is committed to your M. Your WW is only committed to her own selfish desires. She is not under a spell. She is a grown adult deliberately choosing to continue cheating on her BH for a long time despite knowing how much it hurts you. You deserve better. You are the prize. You only control your own actions. You have the power to remove yourself from her horrible behavior. Good luck.