WhoRYouNOW (original poster new member #84995) posted at 10:58 PM on Saturday, October 5th, 2024
Anyone else remember only the bad history of their marriage? It feels like all of the little annoying moments and questionable ones have bubbled up in my memories to join the bad ones. I don’t even remember feeling comfortable, happy, confident or proud of my marriage aside from my kids. While she trying to erase evil her and her trashy actions, I seem to be subconsciously erasing anything that could be seen positively.
Me- BH 49- WW/SAHM 46- 23Y M 2 actually good years
4 Amazing Kids- 22M, 19M, 16F and 13F
Multiple DDays and infidelities 9 yr LTA with sons travel Lacrosse Coach and STD, multiple EA’s and PA’s
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:26 PM on Sunday, October 6th, 2024
IMO, Gottman and Silver mention this in 7 Principles for making M work. My understanding is that couples - partners? - who remember the bad times when under stress are less likely to stay together than couples who spontaneously remember good times under stress.
My reco is to take note of these memories - don't force them into or out of your consciousness. Take your memories as evidence of what you want to do. I was annoyed that my anger was always interrupted, eventually, by memories of very good times. They made it impossible for me to stay angry even though I wanted to stay angry and I chose R.
If D is right for you, welcome the memories of anger at your WS. Or now that you know your spontaneous memories are unhappy, if you think you want R, follow Gottman and Silver (as I read them) and remember the good times - although your tagline implies there aren't many of them.
IOW, accept your memories. Accept yourself.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
