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What a clever fellow you have there, he knows all the ways to DARVO while looking as INNOCENT as the driven snow, which I was just about to agree with this story...until he over-reacted and made it all about his pain. Good grief. Autistic much? Question: you do realize this will always be the reaction he will have, right? Is that ok for you? Sure doesn't seem like it.

So imagine you guys are just old friends and he acts the same way...not your problem to sort out his truth any longer. Can you try envisioning how that would feel? Huge relief it would most likely be....

He has tested positive for ADHD, very low exec functioning, and I suspect a bit on the spectrum (pathological demand avoidance) and low emotional maturity.

I remember this. So, do you accept the permanency of his diagnoses? Or, are you trying to hold out hope for some scientific advance that may fix his issues? BTDT, don't hold yer breath,,,,, Is it okay with you that he has such issues on which to pin his selfishness? I am wondering, because these diagnoses DIRECTLY AFFECT YOU but not so much HIM. Do you accept that such an unfair burden is a feature for family members of people with almost all mental diagnoses? Save yourself first before worrying about fixing someone who has crossed the line into destructive behavior.

Not holding out hope. I think I was 5 years ago until he was diagnosed, tried 1 type of medication for 1 day, had an immediate symptom, and decided he would not be doing any medications.

I think I feel like I'm abandoning him. I love him dearly and now that he is doing so much work on the relationship I feel worse ending things. I'm guessing codependency issues on my part. I'm trying to reframe that I didn't know, clearly by his actions and my feelings the relationship isn't working for either of us. He wants it more than anything now because it works pretty well for him and I feel awful like I will never be satisfied, "never enough" type of person. He has been working hard for a year now, doing SO MUCH for the family, the house, me, dates, and kindness, and I feel like a nagging, nit-picking, it's never enough, resentful, bitter, person. I hear how this sounds believe me, just stuck and struggling in it.

It would have been easier I think to leave right after DDAY.

Yes, I understand how that might feel for you after so long, because one of his long-standing emotional hooks is how his reactions to his own behaviors result in your accepting guilt because you have a history of excusing his shortcomings, If nothing changes, NOTHING CHANGES. I can see how it works for him just from this last example you shared.

So many other posters have said this kind of thing, so I'll borrow from their wisdom: if it takes a BS discovering what you did for their WS to rev up the effort to be a better partner....it is not coming from the depths, but is rather a frantic effort to assuage the BS, so you won't leave. Sorry but that is no reason for you to accept guilt or responsibility for his behavior that is wrecking your relationship.

He has been working hard for a year now, doing SO MUCH for the family, the house, me, dates, and kindness

He should be doing those things. That's not above and beyond... that's bare minimum that one should expect from a spouse.

I feel like a nagging, nit-picking, it's never enough, resentful, bitter, person

When you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of being accountable for his own behavior and blows up worse than a toddler whenever you call him out for something or attempt to assert a boundary, it's going to bring out the absolute worst in you.

What a clever fellow you have there, he knows all the ways to DARVO while looking as INNOCENT as the driven snow, which I was just about to agree with this story...until he over-reacted and made it all about his pain.

I was about to chime in with something similar yet not as well worded as Superesse

His overreaction is a HUGE red flag here.

yeah...ugh. and honestly more of a red flag about the relationship as a whole vs. like something happening.

I'm new to your thread. But I have a question.

Why not ask him to apply for new jobs in a different company. Or if not possible, come clean to HR or his boss and ask that he be assigned to a team Way from the AP?

I wish you well.

I actually think your last update is positive and can be used to work forwards...
Let’s start with the negatives though...
IMHO it’s negative that the OW doesn’t know you know. That indicates you two have done your darndest to keep this all a secret. Indicates he didn’t send her a NC letter (albeit with them working together...). Indicates the affair wasn’t terminated per se – but allowed to die some "graceful" death.

The positives? You are communicating.
I do encourage you two to finish this conversation though. Like... as long as he has reason to be in contact with her – even if it’s only to get the newest budgeting results – you will trigger. As long as SHE has reason to be in touch – even if it’s only the newest budgeting results – you will trigger. As long as you feel this need to monitor his daily work-communications both YOU and HE might trigger. As long as he has to attend training where she is... you trigger.
His passing the poly is in some ways irrelevant. I doubt you could have asked if he’s been in contact with OW since d-day, because it’s been established you gave him consent to ongoing contact (albeit work-related).
So... How are you two going to deal with it?
Can you two do something to minimize contact? I mentioned how I helped a coworker by assigning him tasks keeping him away from OW. Maybe share with his immediate manager?
Is it realistic he changes jobs? Why not? Has he given that some thought?

Imagine this scenario: Imagine your husband was a recovering alcoholic. Now imagine he worked as a bartender. He can do his job without an occasional sip, but I’m guessing you would feel safer about his sobriety if he was working in another environment. I guess you would be hard pressed not to sneak a breath-sniff when he get’s home.

I think that at the very least you two BOTH need to acknowledge that the ongoing contact – even as "controlled" as you might think it is – is a trigger, and that you both have to acknowledge it as such.

The work situation is complicated. He offered to do whatever I needed. I don't want him to leave. He has been there for 20+ years and with his neurodiversity it makes sense for him to stay. Same reason for not saying anything to the OW about the inappropriate texting because it died a "graceful" death when he stopped seeking validation.

The family benefits greatly from his staying, financial support, insurance, etc. I am self-employed, and his work stability would be threatened in another environment, impacting us all.

As far as the coworker. In this particular situation, I caught the inappropriate behavior before it imploded and turned into something more serious. They don't have a ton of interaction and live in different states, I can count on one hand how much travel in 25 years and he never initiates conversation due to the boundary I set since DDay. I have gone back and read through it all and he never initiates and the conversations have dwindled significantly, only picking up due to some org changes.

But I do need to have a follow-up conversation about the reality of triggers and how to handle them going forward (as long as we continue to choose this).

All that being said I realize this is a big burden I may not be able to hold. His neurodiversity, mild as it is, has been a significant contributor to my disconnection and burnout. It was one thing to support him with it before discovery but to have to pick up where his abilities end in healing from this may be too difficult for me at some point. I see him trying his best and have accepted that it's not going to get any better than that. I don't hope for more any longer. It's now just a decision and self-work, worthiness, guilt, abandonment, etc. It's sad and I feel sick about it.

Neurodiversity is not an excuse. It doesn't mean that you're forever tied to him. There are things you can't expect from him. For example, to live with ADD me, my W has to live with my keeping things I use in piles around our apartment. She has to live with organizing papers, closets, files, etc. She has to live with my getting distracted away from things I said I'd do. But she can choose not to live with me.

You can choose not to live with your H. If the things he can do that others can't don;t outweigh the things he can't do that others can, there's no shame in leaving. My reco is to not allow resentments/anger to build. If you allow that, it'll come out in ways that can hurt more than splitting will.

JMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:09 PM, Thursday, September 26th]