13 years later
Hello Forum People,
I haven’t been on this site for a while. DDay was 13 years ago, and it’s been probably somewhere around 6 years since I last posted. I doubt any of the same people are still hanging around from back then, but I thought perhaps an update was in order.
DD was 3 when XWW and I divorced. She’s 16 now, and by most measures she’s doing well. She does well in school in general, and excellently in some specific areas. She’s artistic and funny and creative and while there’s definitely some teenage rough edges at this stage of parenting, I think we have a good relationship. Certainly much better than I had with my parents at her age. I think we’re on a good track to be able to have the coveted parent/friend relationship when she’s an adult. I miss her childhood, but every new phase gives me something new to enjoy even as I leave other things behind.
The inability to create total consistency between mom’s house and dad’s house has definitely been suboptimal at times, but she’s never expressed a desire to stop switching. She seems to genuinely value her time with (and I imagine at times away from) both families. She has apparently been butting heads with her step-father, and… most of the time I think it’s his fault. I’m sometimes put in the awkward position where DD will come to me to complain about him and I have to sympathize without explicitly undermining him or letting on to the fact that I think he’s a bit of a dumdum (Seriously, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer), but I will admit that there is a bit of satisfaction in knowing that one of the things that I stressed out about early on (specifically that XWW was trying to set her husband up as "New Dad") never really worked out.
XWW and I are actually doing quite well. After some very rough first few years, we’ve arrived in a good place. I’m not sure I can pinpoint exactly when the shift happened. Maybe it was after she had her second child with her new husband. Fights over first refusal or even custody stopped looming over our heads around then as I think she suddenly realized that having me as a partner in this whole parenting thing was actually a good thing. I think that she has changed and matured over time in a way that — while it hasn’t led her to regret or apologize for any of the shit she put me through — has led her to treat me better in the present. It’s not perfect, but I’ll take it.
Over time, our relationship has thawed and shifted in a way that I find very difficult to define. We’re not friends. We don’t hang out with each other for fun, mix social groups, spend time with each-other’s families. We keep our separate lives, but when we are together, when we do communicate, when we do have something to talk about related to DD, we’re… "chummy" I guess is the word I would use. We chat. We get along. We help each other out. We genuinely seem to enjoy each other in a way I really can’t figure out how to feel about.
I don’t intend to recap my entire story in this post, but suffice to say she was really awful to me in a way that arguably permanently damaged me and for which she never expressed the slightest regret or remorse. So being chummy with her feels weird in a way that clashes with my internal sense of justice.
But I think what I’ve realized over the years is that my internal sense of justice isn’t really relevant here. Doesn’t help me. Doesn’t hurt her. Doesn’t do any good for anyone. Someone might ask if I’ve forgiven her. And the answer is that I don’t think it matters.
All I know is that this current state of things feels better than one in which we are cold to each other or at loggerheads. So I just follow that feeling, just follow the path of least resistance and it seems to have landed us in a good place.
After the divorce, I made a career shift, and it’s been going well. I followed my musical dreams, and over the last decade I’ve built up a respectable career and even some prestige in my field. It feels good, and honestly I’m not sure if I’d have been able to do it if I had still been married to XWW. This is probably the biggest coup of my "new beginnings" phrase.
I forayed briefly into online dating in 2014 (6 dates. Went well enough, but was a dead end). Since then I haven’t dipped my toes in those waters, and haven’t really had the desire to. I’ve been enjoying my independence, and if I’m honest, I still do have some anxieties and insecurities when it comes to the idea of being in a relationship. I don’t know if I’ve decided that it’s just not for me or if I’m just permanently damaged by what happened with me and XWW. I suppose I’m theoretically open to meeting someone, but I don’t really know where or how, and I’m not going out and looking for it.
DD will be emancipated in a few years, and there’s a kind of freedom that comes with that, but as with all "empty nest" situations, it’s bittersweet. I’m interesting in seeing what the next stage of life brings me.
SI was invaluable in helping me get through the hell of betrayal and separation, and I made a connection with one person here in particular who became the closest of friends to this day. At a time when your intimacy has been broken and betrayed and brutalized by the most important person in your life, a safe community like this one is a literal lifeline, and I’ll forever be grateful for it. For those of you who are still in the thick of it, hang on, and keep supporting each other.
3 comments posted: Thursday, July 30th, 2026
7 years on, is it okay to be okay with ExWW?
7 years out, and things are... mostly okay with XWW.
And I find myself having mixed feelings about that.
7 years out and the pain of the affair and the divorce has faded into the recesses of my memory. I still know exactly how it felt. I could describe the pain and the trauma to you in great detail, and I know that there are things that could trigger it again, but I can't call up the feeling anymore. What's more, is that the anger that I felt over her treatment of me at that time and in the first several years following it has largely faded as well. It's spent. I don't feel it anymore. I think this is what they call "meh."
With XWW herself, our coparenting relationship seems to be in a good and stable place right now. Something changed in the last couple of years. Some of the things we used to fight about, she seems to have come around to my way of thinking on, though I'd be hard-pressed to tell you exactly why. She seems more flexible and accommodating, and generally more respectful of my role in our daughter's life. She seems to treat me more as an equal, at least for the moment. Emotionally, her attitude toward me could maybe even be called warm.
And in response to all of this, my approach to her has thawed somewhat as well. I don't seek her out, but I don't keep her at arm's length as much during the times when we have to be together because of DD. It feels, at least at the moment, like the hatchet is buried, and a certain amount of personability seems to be good medicine for our coparenting.
I haven't forgiven her for anything that she's done, and I don't trust her. I know that this period of peace could come undone the second that there's something that she wants that she sees me as an obstacle to (and I know pretty well what the thing is that could disturb the peace). I know that she's still completely capable of repeating all of the terrible things she's said and done in the past. Maybe something has substantially changed in her heart, but I'm not counting on it.
But despite the fact that I haven't forgiven her, I've come to the realization that nothing she did really matters. No one else treats her any differently as a result of her actions. She doesn't feel any guilt. Privately punishing her in my own heart doesn't do anyone any good. She might deserve it, but that's beside the point. It's like the old adage about drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. So, for now, I've decided that she's mostly okay in my book. It just seems like the easiest and most peaceful way to live right now.
But feeling this way comes with its own internal conflict, it's own dissonance. Feeling this way feels on some level, like granting her absolution, even though I know I'm not doing that. It feels like accepting the narrative that I see repeated so much that infidelity is just something that happens, and it's painful and it hurts, but ultimately it's no more serious than a rough breakup and you'll get over it. We all know here that it's so much worse, and being chummy with someone who was abusive and bullying to me for so long seems like a betrayal of justice. I'm mostly okay with her, and I don't know if I'm okay with being okay with her.
I guess in the end, I don't see my own private sense of justice doing anyone any particular good right now, and this just seems like the path of least resistance. I know things could get bad again, but keeping a cold distance isn't going to make that any more or less likely to happen.
I don't want anyone who reads this to think that this is a thesis against setting necessary boundaries with your ex. That was my main project for the first few years after our divorce, and one which XWW constantly pushed back on. I think I did okay-but-not-perfectly with setting those boundaries. But over time, I think there was a kind of equilibrium reached, where she knew the kinds of things that she could push me on and the kinds of things she couldn't, and we both knew more or less what we expected of each other, which I think maybe, just maybe, is what created room for whatever the heck we're experiencing now. I think everyone's equilibrium is going to be different.
I don't know how to conclude this. I thought this might be the best place to share my thoughts, and I welcome any input on all of this.
18 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020
