SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Would you consider this emotional cheating?
About a month ago I found out that my husband who is in his 30s had been messaging a 19 year old for around 2–3 weeks pretty much all day and throughout the night too whilst I was asleep.
They met on a group holiday (I didn’t attend) and the messaging started after they got home from there, my husband was the one who started the messaging.
The messages turned flirty and he said things like "I am staying up later to talk to you" and "you are fun to talk to" and also asking for photos of her in her underwear (she didn’t end up sending any) my husband also sent photos of our child to her and photos of his work. There were other things said too.
Whilst the messaging was going on they actually ended up meeting up again with friends but my husband didn’t tell me she was going to be there (the others are men, she was the girlfriend of one of the other boys) hence why I didn’t attend as the meet ups are normally just men.
My husband denied most of it to begin with and I had to find out the truth from the 19 year old in the end and then he admitted to 90% of it.
The girl said he made her feel listened to and cared for.

Thank you for any responses or help!

Yes he’s cheating. Yes it’s an affair.

Yes he’s lied to you (lying by omission is lying).

Asking for pics in her underwear? Yes that is cheating too.

Dies your H know that you know all of this?

Yes he does know I know, I found some of the messages as he fell asleep with them open on his phone so when I went to put his tea down next to him I saw them open on his phone, I then asked him about it and he lied to me 4 times trying to minimise it, he said "I wouldn’t be talking to a child" as she is only 19. I had to find out the truth from the 19 year old and then he admitted to 90% of it but I fear I still don’t know the full truth.

Definitely emotional affair.
This is what my husband’s affair partner said about what she feels about my husband.
Here:
With him, I found a part of myself that I thought I had lost. I could laugh like a little child, be silly, be vulnerable, and simply be myself. But I also understand that however genuine my feelings may be, they do not give me the right to interfere with the life and love you share.
I am not going to pretend that my feelings were insignificant, because they weren't. I truly love and care for him.

It freaking broke my heart because this is what I used to be and this is how special my husband made me feel when we were dating. It’s so disappointing.

Right now you have zero ability to trust him b/c he only admitted to things you could prove.

I’m so sorry for you.

It is possible this is not the first time he has done this but that is something you may never find out. But just like the drunk driver theory — they are never arrested the first time they drive drunk — your H got careless this time and you found out.

He may have been more careful prior to this and was able to get away with it.

And you are right - this girl is still a child.

I hope you consider a counselor just for you. You need to get support for this b/c you are bordering on your H being shady, a liar, and perhaps even worse than that.

Thank you, that message must have been really hard for you to read! It does hurt deeply when you hear another person saying the things that he used to make you feel.

Do most people lie when they get caught? I have caught him telling small lies over the time of our relationship.

I have a huge worry in my head now as he says to me he didn’t think about her age at all but he was calling her a child to her face and to the other men in the group! When I found the messages one of the things he said to me was "don’t worry I wouldn’t be talking to a child" which makes me think he was aware of her age.

He does seem incredibly remorseful and upset that he has hurt me, he is trying hard to make things right and I believe he loves me. He did say last night that it wouldn’t be fair for my family to hold a grudge over him for what he has done as it’s none of their business.

All people lie. It’s part of being human.. In fact, I read that the only really honest man had no one that loved him because true honesty is painful for the recipient. Here’s where it gets tricky. Little lies over the course of a month that make no sense should be looked at askance. In fact, you need to ask yourself why he’s lying about things that don’t matter. One of the things that bothers me about those kinds of lies is what else he’s doing that’s shady. It’s how you feel when he does it. Once you marry the person, they should be able to trust your word and you should be able to trust theirs. If you can’t, you have a very shakey relationship.
The fact that he came on so strong with a girl who has a boyfriend says a lot about him, not you and not her. She’s probably flattered than an older man is paying attention to her. I don’t know how to say this except say it…your husband is a predator. I don’t mean that he is going to physically harm her but what is he up to? He knows you know 90% and yet still plays mind games
I wish I had better news, but I don’t think he’s a good guy. I think he’s got you snowed. I think he’s got her snowed and I think he has been getting away with this kind of behavior most of his life.
I’m a social worker and I have dealt with every kind of person and they all lie to me. It’s part of the territory. It’s just part of the job. I have to be capable of reading between the lines because many of these people I take to court. I have to be able to raise my hand and swear to a judge that I’m telling the truth the whole truth. I’ve sat in court and listen to people lie to the judge about something I just testified to. Most judges, just sit there and listen and then make a decision. Sometimes, very seldom, but sometimes, they go against our agency, but most of the time, since I know what I’m doing, I’m not gonna take a case to court unless I cannot only prove it, but I’m dealing with a risk dangerous enough to a child to get in front of a judge.
Please understand that I’m not telling you to leave this marriage, but I do think you need to get to a therapist who handles this kind of excuse making and lying that he does because this looks like it’s going to be your life with him. I wish you well..