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It's been 5 months since Dday 1, after a bit of TT which I admit in my part didn't help is finally over. We have dedcided to reconcille and are in therapy.

I just don't know what to do with myself, it's my day off and I'm on our bed writing this. I have no idea anymore what to do with myself.

If I'm not reading articles or watching videos on affairrecovery or SI, I'm usually just doing chores like the gardening, shopping or cleaning. All of my other hobbies like the gym, socialsing or sports just seem unimportant. I want to learn everything but feel like I still know nothing, my BS doesn't read any of this and wants to reconcille "In the natural way."

I feel like I'm living in a twilight zone. I just feel like I completely obliterated our relationship of 10 years and I'm on my bed doing nothing. They were mad in the beguinning but now are happy with our progress and tell me that they are even proud of the progress we have made. I feel completely empty inside, I just started antidepressants.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm on borrowed time.

What did you do daily during the first year?

[This message edited by Sonora at 9:37 AM, Thursday, July 30th]

Honestly, I was spinning my wheels a lot like you describe.

I was in a lot of confusion, pain, and trying to figure out the same thing for a lot of it.

It sounds like you are doing some solitary tasks because you are depressed and have a lot of thinking to do. Normal. Are you in therapy?

Some of what you are experiencing is the chemical shift from an affair. Affairs are notorious for flooding the brain with endorphins/dopamine/adrenaline. And when it’s over it takes a while for your system to produce some of it naturally. I did a lot of research on that because I don’t remember a time I was less myself and in more pain and I was so frustrated that the pain I was feeling wasn’t for the reasons I should be. I mean, I was sorry I did it and I felt so small and terrible watching my husband try and deal with it. But it was like this anchor was around my neck and I was headed to the bottom of the ocean.

Meds might be in order because they help brain chemistry. Personally, for the first half of the year I had a lot of intrusive, uncontrollable thoughts and they tied some of it to OCD, so once I started being treated with that I did start to get some relief.

Gardening is an excellent activity for helping. I have become an avid gardener to manage stress and nuts very effective—you are getting vitamin D which helps mood, being in nature. Try to be in the moment as much as you can, there is a lot of relief there.

In addition adding physical activity back as soon as you can would be good. I know how right Joe you don’t feel like it. But as you are aware exercise is a good way to produce endorphins. There are foods that help support that as well.

I started a gratitude practice as well and over time that helped me be more aware of all the good still in my life. It’s scientifically proven to help rewire your brain. Intentional breathing too. I even tried to follow along to some tapping videos and even yoga can help emotions work through in the body.

I know that’s a lot on the physical but addressing the depression is a big step forward because it will allow you the capacity to stay centered and make space for your husband’s feelings and needs. Depression is so draining.

Also, I tried to connect with the things that allowed me to do it. Why was I so unhappy that I wanted to escape into this fantasy world while wrecking my reality? This is where therapy helped. I started to identify the habits, inclinations, and patterns that were not serving me to feel fulfilled. There are usual suspects—-going along to get along (avoidance, people pleasing), loss of connection with self, needing an unhealthy amount of validation and figuring out that validation comes from self and when you don’t know how to produce it you tend to lean on people more heavily for it), past abuse and trauma that hasn’t been dealt with, things learned during development years, etc. those are sort of the things that helped change coping and shift my the responsibility of making myself happy to being fully my own.

It’s been 9 years for me, I continue to work on things and discover things about myself that I find not who I want to be and I work on it all.

Maya Angelo said "do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better you will do better" and it’s so true. Working in your self awareness and tracing where things come from help you say "this isn’t serving me, let’s be more aware of that for a while and work on modification"

I looked at my motives for clues too. Sometimes I would say "am I doing this to earn love or am I doing this to give love?" And that question asked over and over was very telling.

I am not saying you will find these things to be your issues, or these are your specific questions. I am just providing some examples on how to investigate yourself and get stronger and better. Get curious, hold questions and observe yourself in that framework.

That’s probably enough for now, but keep posting. I will keep an eye out. If you have questions about what I said here just let me know!

They were mad in the beguinning but now are happy with our progress and tell me that they are even proud of the progress we have made.

Who are "they?" Who else is involved with your recovery?

You might feel like you know nothing, but you're actually learning a lot. I think the fact that you're here asking questions is a testament to that. It just takes some time to integrate the knowledge you're gaining, but make no mistake, you are learning. It sounds like you're actually making good progress. Don't be discouraged. 5 months is still fairly early, so having confused or conflicting thoughts is pretty normal still. So don't beat yourself up.

I'm not sure what "the natural way" is. There isn't much about this that's intuitive. I think your betrayed partner could benefit from some research of their own. It's helped me immensely.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:56 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Who are "they?" Who else is involved with your recovery?

I think Sonora is using "they" as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun for his BS.

Seconding trying to get them to engage with infidelity research and support sites/groups. There's a lot of ways recovery and reconciliation can go sideways or be rugswept such that it causes problems further down the line. A little guidance and support never hurts, even if they feel like they're doing okay. You can always deploy (employ?) the knowledge you gather to your BS if they are unwilling to collect it themselves, if you think it will help. As the recovery process for the betrayed can move in and out of different and very intense emotional states, I think it would be helpful for you to know what to expect, so you can validate those emotions and reassure BS that what they're experiencing is normal. I'm sure the emotional rollercoaster is confusing for both parties if it catches them unaware.

What morbs said is true…

A good book to check out is "how to help your spouse heal" by Linda Macdonald. There is also a resource library on the main page of this site in the left.

I’m 9 months out, and I think I went through a phase really similar to what you’re describing. For a while, it felt like my whole world became trying to understand, fix, and make sense of everything — and then it got to the point where it became overwhelming and paralyzing. Eventually I was just tired of feeling miserable all the time. I realized I couldn’t change what happened, but staying stuck in that place wasn’t helping me or my recovery either.

One of the first steps for me, which you’re already doing, was getting on an antidepressant. That helped a lot and gave me some room to actually start doing the work instead of feeling like I was just barely getting through each day.

I spent a lot of time reading affair recovery information and watching videos. In the beginning, it was really helpful because I needed to learn and understand. But over time, I noticed I was starting to repeat the same things over and over, and it was becoming less helpful for both me and my spouse. I still read about recovery, but I’ve learned I need a balance and I also need to spend time living my life.

My spouse wasn’t interested in reading and learning about affair recovery the same way I was, and that was hard for me at first. I remember sharing an article with him that I found really encouraging, and he found it incredibly discouraging. It honestly confused me because I was sharing it because I thought it would help, but it just didn’t land that way for him.

Eventually I realized we each have our own way of processing this. What helps me may not help him, and I needed to let him find what works for him. We can still talk about things I’m learning when it feels helpful, but I stopped feeling like I needed to bring him every piece of information I found.

Slowly, I’ve been reconnecting with myself outside of the affair. Therapy has helped a lot, especially in identifying areas I need to focus on to fill that void and heal some of the older and newer wounds that contributed to where I was. I’m starting to do things that help me feel like myself again — reading books (both self-help and just for fun), spending time with friends, working, and doing things with my spouse that have nothing to do with affair recovery.

As far as what I do day-to-day during this first year, it’s honestly a lot of trying to create normal routines again — going to work, exercising when I can, seeing friends, doing chores, reading, spending time with my spouse, and learning how to be present in ordinary moments again. But I definitely don’t do all of those things every day. Sometimes I only manage one or two things on that list, and that’s okay. Progress doesn’t always look like huge changes; sometimes it’s just taking one small step toward feeling like myself again.

I still have moments where I get that empty feeling too. I think part of it is that I’ve spent so much time in crisis mode, constantly learning, analyzing, and trying to repair things. When things start to calm down, the quiet can feel strange.

But I’m learning that recovery isn’t just about rebuilding the relationship — it’s also about learning about yourself and rebuilding the parts of yourself and your life that you want to carry forward.

We’re both still early in this process, but the fact that you’re in therapy, taking steps to care for your mental health, and trying to understand yourself says a lot about the work you’re doing. And honestly, this is a reminder to myself as much as it is encouragement for you.

On the subject of antidepressants - I can only speak for myself here, but I had a pretty bad experience with an SSRI known as sertraline or zoloft. It helped with my anxiety, but came with a whole new set of issues in the form of some effects my Dr never mentioned.

It's well documented that many SSRIs can kill a person's libido and have other sexual side effects including ED and anorgasmia. This can also happen with females, too, minus the ED of course. Discontinuing use does not always resolve those issues either. They can linger for years, and in some cases it's permanent. Look up Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction or PSSD and you'll find a lot of info about it.

I also experienced emotional numbing and Flatness. I kinda stopped caring about anything. I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't start taking them, but I sure do wish I was warned about those side effects and how severe they can be. I just want folks to be aware of it. It nearly destroyed me and my marriage.

This was all before my wife's affair and I think played a role in setting the stage that made her vulnerable to it. It's not an excuse. She still made her choices, but it was a factor. She noticed the change in me and our marriage suffered for it. She tells me often "I'm so glad to have you back. I missed you so much." I stopped taking it a few years ago and I'm still dealing with some mild lingering side effects.

Another thing, once you start taking an SSRI it's not a simple task to discontinue using them. There are significant withdrawal symptoms. I know that there are circumstances and instances where they've helped people, but I will never take an SSRI ever again.

Pogre brings up a good point. There can definitely be side effects with any medication. I mentioned antidepressants more as a positive in the sense that recognizing you need some help is a healthy step, not because I think everyone should take medication.

My disclaimer with anything health or medication related is always the same: talk with your doctor and make the decision that's right for you.

Personally, I knew I wanted something other than an SSRI for many of the reasons Pogre mentioned. SSRIs are often considered the first-line treatment, so I specifically asked my doctor for the medication I wanted instead. It's been a good fit for me, but that's a very individual decision.

As an aside, the absolute best infidelity antidepressant is Remeron, generic name, mirtazapine. Its two major side effects are sleepiness and hunger. Did not affect my bedroom abilities one bit.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 6:44 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Hi Sonora,

Put me down for growing plants too. Like you, I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands that I had been using to engage with AP either online or in-person. I left the online gaming community we had both been involved in which had for a long time blown a big hole in the time I was actually present while at home.

I think any creative process can be helpful, but growing plants became really clutch. I didn't have a yard but I did have a deck and bought a book about container gardening. I grew things that were edible or herbal like lettuce, radishes, green onions (just plant the root bulb after you use one and it'll regrow), kitchen herbs like thyme and oregano, flowers like chammomile and lavender and jasmine (it just smells so good!) Lots of options. That deck became my happy place because it just felt wholesome after so many years of unwholesome activity.

Eventually I started doing art, drawing, painting, etc. Also very good for processing strong feelings.

During that time I also discovered how helpful meditation is for dealing with difficult feelings in ways that are wholesome rather than destructive. I journaled. Lots. and Lots. When I go back and read them now there are many hopeful entries and others that are big desperate scrawling of fuck this fuck this fuck this. The whole range. Getting it onto paper seemed to help.

Don't give up. It really does get better. But don't underestimate the timeline for healing, either. It takes a long time but that time's going to pass anyway so keep on keeping on doing the work to make yourself a safe person to be in relationship with. As your relationship with yourself improves, it'll give you a solid foundation for dealing with the difficult stuff that comes up during the healing process and from life in general.

The marriage may or not be salvageable. YOU definitely are.

Peace and healing to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Hey all, thanks for the replies.

Just for some more context, I am a WH and she is a BW.

Over our 10 year relationship I had some one night stands. A lot of insecurities and immaturity on my part, we are both in our late 20's now. I struggled not telling her for years and it finally ate away at me enough it came out, but struggled to get it all out at first so there was TT. We are doing IC and MC. She said she would have of left me immediately if there had been an EA. I still squirm and can't stand the thoughts of what I have done, I still can't believe I did this. There was a lot leading up to it; my dads affair on my mom, always being mostly a loner growing up and feeling insecure in myself.

Thanks Hikingout, I'm in therapy now and on meds. The depression is heavy, I agree its like having a chain and anchor around your neck. I can't stand thinking about what I did to her. I'm trying to practice gratitude that I still have her and the other things in my life.

Had one of our first MC's tell her not to research infidelity recovery online as it would "Overload" us and interfere with the "Natural" way of healing. I went with another MC straight away, but the damage had already been done. She doesn't research anything or want to. I fear a lot that she is rug sweeping the emotional processing part of this, especially the grieving. She wants to focus on "Being a couple again." Via means like coffee dates, going on holidays (We are going to Singapore in 4 weeks) and having wine infront of our firepit. I have told her that our old relationship is basically dead and a new one needs to be rebuilt from the groundup, she says our old relationship is not dead and just needs to be "fixed".

She gets upset sometimes when I ask her how she is feeling; she is always "Okay" or "Good". I never see her sad and she never tells me anything like she is sad. She says things like how she looks forward to us being normal again and having a better relationship than ever. She tries to seem unaffected by what happened I think, she says how she is resilient and could handle it without therapy. I've not seen her cry.

I'm worried that her fear of abandonment is so great she is fawning so that I don't leave. I suggested at the start of this possible seperation since I didn't think we could survive, but she convinced me to give this reconcilliation a go.

Very relatable Notmyidentity with the sharing information you've found for it to be ignored or dismissed, I tell her I found something great to read and it will fall by the wayside. She is reading a book currently but its not a priority. I have read how to heal your spouse and the betrayal bind.

Most of the first MCs I got were ineffective or gave bad advice so I booted them, we finally have an MC who has the qualifications and experience to address our situation.

This feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. We live in Perth which is the most isolated city on earth, there feels like there is a lack of resources here to use to help us in terms of useful MC's and IC's so most of what I have is online.

We have come far even after 5 months, a lot of the raw emotions have subsided a bit. I was so stressed and dysregulated emotionally I could have been in a straight jacket for awhile. Unfortunately both sets of our immediate families know what happened, which compounds the shame on my part. She doesn't care what other people think, only what we think.

Ohitsyou and Pogre I have been using Brintellix as it doesn't completely numb/blunt you out. It does make me sleepy and occasionally I get the urge to throw up. Its different to SSRIs like Zoloft which I wanted to avoid because it makes you feel absolutely nothing.

I get really discouraged sometimes that this reconcilliation will work, I read online that if there is more than one A your chances of being together past 5 years is as low as 15-30 percent. Since I had a few one night stands I can't stop ruminating how hard this will be. She is super confident we will reconcille but I get scared it's through a forced smile, I hope it isn't hysterical bonding and attachment panic. She keeps telling me that staying is "strength" and that leaving is "weak". Obviously a marriage can "Survive" but I worry its going to be hollow and empty if we don't heal properely.

I agree with you EvolvingSoul that even if our M doesn't survive I'm aware atleast of how important it is to work on myself as an individual so this never happens again. I read doing the work in the library and agree I shouldn't worry about the outcome, but I love this woman and our life we built together was amazing so its hard to not care. I just hope she does her own work to recover as well and not just stay because she's afraid of being alone. She has said things like she doesn't want to feel discarded, or like our relationship was just me learning from my mistakes for the next one. I hope there is genuine healing for both of us.

[This message edited by Sonora at 3:26 AM, Friday, July 31st]

Hello, Sonora. Welcome to SI and thanks for sharing your story.

The way you describe your wife's reactions is a bit disconcerting to me. It seems as if she's still in shock and either unwilling or unable to cope with what for most of us (betrayed spouses) is a severe emotional and psychological trauma.

The first stage of grief is denial. I wonder if she's avoiding... everything that most of us go through. She might be emotionally and psychology paralyzed. I wonder that she's so terrified of abandonment, so terrified of losing you, that she's buried it all deep inside and has turned her full attention to the present and future as a way to avoid the abyss that looms before her.

Of course, I could be wrong. She may be far more self-aware, confident and comfortable with herself than most of us. She may have an uncommonly high emotional intelligence and stronger than average psychological resilience.

What do you think? Does her calm composure surprise you?

Hey Unhinged

I have been also disconcerted, I have been incredibly confused at times to some of her reactions.

She has once said to me that leaving would be worse than everything I've done, which makes me sad and incredibly guilty to think I still mean that much to her despite everything thats happened. I feel like I don't deserve to be in her life anymore sometimes, I feel like a disgrace.

She still wants me to spend time with her and sleep in the same bed. She still keeps talking about buying a new house together in the future. This makes me think there is still shock and denial, if she accepted the full weight of the reality of what happened then that would mean possibly ending the relationship. She has faith this will work out as long as we are both 100 percent commited. I'm obviously not going to agree to buying a new house right now. When we spend time with each other I find it hard to be present in the moment because I'll feel miserable, she'll get upset with me for not being present fully. Although I'll admit to her credit that she does cheer me up and we can still sometimes have nicer moments together.

The first week I told her she was extremely angry, I slept in the back room but then the following week I was back in the front room and we were shopping and getting coffee which disorientated me.

I moved out for a week 3 months ago to have some space to think about our situation when I was feeling extremely dysregulated and she said that was the most traumatic thing that happened since this whole thing started back in March.

Things she has said have come off odd to me at times?

1.She said dating in our 30s would be terrible and full of the "leftovers with baggage"

2.That if that we had seperated and I had changed and did the work to be a better person; then that means she had to endure the awful cheater I was, and miss out on the good new person I would be.

3. If I decide to leave then I would be throwing our good life away and how unreasonable it would be to do that.

I know that most of these things she has said are coming from a place of fear. She forgave me quickly for what happened which seemed like a fear response than genuine forgiveness. When I TT'd and admitted to more of what happened in therapy, she wasn't phased much by it, just relieved there wasn't an EA and forgave me again and said "Thats it?". She also says that what happened could have been "Way worse." Which scares the hell out of me as somebody seeing it for what it still is; multiple PA's.

She does come from a poor dysfunctional family background where there was a crisis after crisis. She did endure a lot growing up, her dad was absent and her mother was an alcoholic, so I do believe she has strong emotional resilience. I am worried she is overly confident that she can do this on her own without much therapy and help. She doesn't have any friends or close family either which doesn't help not having a support network. Irony is that she still picks me up when I'm down and tries to encourage me to keep going with the work I'm doing.

My greatest fear is that she won't heal properly from this; and this will just lead to the slow decline of both of us and then blow up later down the road because nothing got worked through/processed and was just buried and rugswept away leading to a resentment bomb.

I genuinely want her to be okay after all of this and not just pretend she is for the sake of preserving our relationship, or at the least okay after if we go our seperate ways. I'm scared of us ending up completely miserable and spirtually dead inside while pretending to be a happy couple. I just want her to be alright in the end.

[This message edited by Sonora at 12:23 PM, Friday, July 31st]

It kind of sounds to me like you being in and out, leaving for a week, talking about breaking up, etc., might have scared her into thinking you're only there hanging by a thread so she's more focused on saving the relationship than the affairs.

It was bad enough my wife had an affair, but she never once talked about us ending or her leaving. She wanted nothing more than for us to stay together and begged me to not leave her. I was in so much shock and fear of her not loving me anymore that I even did some pick me dancing at first. If she would have been wishy washy like that and talked breaking up it would have completely freaked me out.

Now, my wife wasn't exactly an angel for that first month, but she never once wanted to sleep in different rooms or talked like our relationship was over. She did, however, try to maintain a "just friends" relationship with her AP. I eventually reached my breaking point and I was the one who was ready to call it quits. She snapped out of it and began fighting for our relationship. Not talking about leaving or breaking up. That was MY call. Not hers.

Do you think maybe your wife thinks you're not very invested and is scared to death you have one foot out the door because of your initial reactions? The affairs are bad enough, but then you talking about breaking up and leaving unprompted for a week on top of it could have just added to her trauma. So now she's so insecure that she's willing to rug sweep just to keep you together. Consciously or subconsciously she might be afraid to express how she really feels for fear that you'll just bail if it gets tough. To me that sounds kinda like what you might do.

Are you ready to fight for your relationship or are you so overwhelmed with guilt that you're out the door if things get tough? What she needs is someone who will do anything to fight for the marriage. Not talk about breaking up or saying the damage is so deep that it won't work. If you want to be in this relationship then act like it. Don't make her decisions for her.

I have no clue if that's what's really going on. I'm just spit balling here, but that's one hypothesis.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:05 PM, Friday, July 31st]

It sounds like you've already gotten a lot of great responses, and you're taking some really positive steps by starting medication and looking for additional resources.

I felt very similar to what you're describing, and if I'm honest, those feelings of emptiness still creep in sometimes, even almost two years later. Healing isn't always linear, but it does get more manageable.

A few things that really helped me were going on walks, often with my BH. Even when we didn't talk much, just having that quiet time together outside of the house helped us reconnect and gave me a change of scenery.

I also spent a lot of time reading. Sometimes I chose books about healing or affair recovery, other times they were faith-based, self-help, or simply something engaging to help redirect my thoughts. My goal was just to give my mind something healthy to focus on while I worked on rebuilding my mental health and kept me from spiraling on the hard days.

Another thing that made a big difference was getting involved at church. I joined a few small groups, some with my BH and some on my own. Having a supportive, low-pressure community and a reason to get out of the house each week was incredibly beneficial for my mental health.

I hope you're able to find a few things that bring you even a little bit of peace. You're already taking important steps, and I hope you continue to be patient and kind with yourself as you heal.

Hey pogre

I completely agree with you. I was being wishy washy at the start and not showing my commitment to save our relationship. I was worried I had done too much damage and the relationship was not going to be able to be saved. However, I've now commited to being all in and am doing my best to show her I'm not going to run when it gets hard. I've stopped being so negative around her and talking down our chances of recovery, which I did notice has made her open up a bit more.

[This message edited by Sonora at 10:19 PM, Friday, July 31st]