SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish to make a plea. If you are in the earlier stages of dealing with infidelity recovery, whether Betrayed or Wayward, that you consider not reading beyond this paragraph. It is my concern that this post may be of no value to you or worse cause confusion, frustration and/or more pain, and that is not my desire.

I am sharing my thoughts here for those who are much further along, years further, in their reconciliation process and have remade themselves and their marriages into something new and healthy. But, like myself, you still find moments of deep, perplexing pain. And like me, most likely the sorrow or anguish is brief and not as intense compared to years gone by but it’s lingering still causes some unkind suffering that time and hard work hasn’t fully erased.

For me, in these moments of discomfort, I find I am looking at my wife through the eyes of a betrayed husband, remembering her and her actions as she was during the time of her affair not as she is today. And from that backward looking, high-ground vista I find myself in an internal struggle between two extremely different understandings of my wife. That dichotomy causes me frustration and pain for I cannot seem to fuse the two into something that makes sense and that I can wholly trust.

I don’t know, maybe I am alone in this type of long-distance, time-stamped sting and if true this post is of little value other than a place to share my thoughts on the off-chance it might speak to and hopefully helpful to someone.

I discovered and joined Survivor Infidelity approximately 8 months ago when I found myself, after decades of little struggle over this issue, in a darkening place filled with a bewildering, but growing, personal torment. Why now! Why is it so intense? There is nothing about our relationship that carries the stench of the affair so why am I grieving and unable to sleep deeply? Why do I, once again, feel so dang alone and lost?

I was floundering in an undertow of sadness with a fearsome current pulling me away from the safety of shore and out into an open ocean of suffering. To make matters worse it was hurting my wife and I knew it was completely unfair and yet I was drowning in the dangerous, deep waters of rumination. It was tempting to blame her, for on this issue she is an easy target. And yet, in the quiet moments of self-examination I knew instinctively that this was about me and it was my struggle and that I needed to discover why and how to work through this situation. And that is where a few of you, 8 months ago, came into my world and gave of yourselves. Many listening, not sure how to assist while others were in a place of recognizing that I was in trouble and tossed me several different types of life preservers. When a few brave souls saw I was blinded by panic and could not see the flotation devices, they didn’t hesitate to jump into the water and render assistance.

One such PFD was the idea that I bring myself back into the current moment. That the past no longer exists. That I look (and see) my wife as she is now.

I took several weeks off from SI to study this idea. To weigh its truth and value without the intensity or push back from SI. It was selfish, but I had to quiet the noise so I could listen intensely to what had been offered to me. And in the self-imposed silence, I could hear a faint voice deep within me confirming that I needed to incorporate this idea into my everyday actions. Not only in this situation but in other issues as well.

Coming to the understanding that today is the only day that is important, the grueling weight of ancient pain is being gently lifted, leaving me better able to swim to the safety of shore. Which brings me to the title of this post: "An Unnecessary Suffering of My Own Creation".

It was me, refusing to let go, clinging to a past that no longer exists. I was creating my own suffering. Not my wife! Not the affair! Not her affair partner!

It was me, myself, and I, that was the threesome that was 100% causing me to suffer. For it was us three collectively who were unwilling to allow the moment, this moment, to exist as it is now.

Asterisk

Hi Asterisk -

I don’t know, maybe I am alone in this type of long-distance, time-stamped sting and if true this post is of little value other than a place to share my thoughts on the off-chance it might speak to and hopefully helpful to someone.

You are not alone in your feelings about a "long-distance, time-stamped sting". I am over 21 years out from D-Day, but I can relate to some of your posts over the past few months. I don't post often on SI, but I'm a long-time member, and I visit here only occasionally when I'm "stuck".

As my 20-year D-Day anniversary approached last year, I found that I was suffering as you have described. I knew that it was my own doing - nothing related to my wife's current behavior.

When the affair thoughts came up, I would sometimes get "stuck" (ruminating) and that would cause me to withdraw for a bit from my wife. When this happens now, I've been intentionally trying to do the opposite. Basically "leaning into" my wife instead of withdrawing. So, instead of hiding, I might intentionally go and be with her (e.g. sit with and chat) or do something (e.g. go for a walk) with my wife, to reestablish a good present-time memory.

This takes some practice and isn't always easy, but I do know that it makes me feel better afterwards. I think this is basically what you are describing - trying harder to stay in the present moment. Basically, I try to tell myself that I don't want to waste another moment thinking about something awful that was long in our past.

So, I just wanted to affirm that (1) you are not alone in facing this long-time challenge, and that (2) you have found a healthy path to handling it.