Several times, while reading replies to other betrayeds’ post I have read an analogy expressing that a person’s life is like an hourglass. The shortened version, as I understand, is that the sand above is one’s future, the grain passing through the throat is the present, and the filtered dust below, good and bad, is the past. The questioned posed is how much of one’s future does one expend on the past? Questioning - is reliving, or rehashing the past a waste of time? And I agree these are fair questions to ask oneself.
In many ways, I like the simplicity of a truth this analogy offers, and yet in its uncomplicatedness, at least for me, it presents an unreality. I can’t avoid wondering, is ignoring the past how our minds are wired to survive? Isn’t it also said that the past is the best predictor of the future? Not that anyone’s past determines their future, but shouldn’t we give careful review to not rinse and repeat.
I would like to share a different perspective of the hourglass.
Pre-D-day the sand above outweighed the sand below. The flow was exciting, full of hope, warmth and great anticipation as to what my future with my wife was to become. (Sunshine and rainbows.)
There was purity in the granules that lingered above. With confidence secured, there was no fear in me of the unknown that was preparing to filter through our mutual existence. Our connection and affection were as transparent as the hourglass that held all three phases of our life together.
Or so I thought.
For me, D-day flipped the "hourglass" other side up (Some might say wrong side up others might argue, right side up.) and now everything old that had filtered through with dependability is now erratically rushing back through the hourglass with a pain-filled, unwanted hindsight.
Everything truth said - doubted. Every kindness shown - lost. Every experience - suspect. Nothing going through the slot is untainted. Every past male friend – was he also? Every unplanned late home arrival – was it unplanned? Every hesitation – a calculation.
It is tempting to say, just flip the hourglass back right side up. However, the uncomfortable truth that follows one’s dreaded D-day is no matter which side up, there will always be a mixture of the haunted past entangling itself with the future as it falls through the bubbles’ throat, called the present.
