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Frank, I actually confronted the dirtbag a few days ago. In between the groveling, his story was very similar to my wife’s. Obviously, this means either she still speaks with him or maybe, possibly, it’s the truth? That would be a miracle and I haven’t seen any of those lately.
I haven’t wanted to expose him yet because I may need to speak to him again but I’m not against that. This affair ended over ten years ago according to my wife (and dickhead) but who knows? As Nuke mentioned before why would any woman be satisfied just giving oral sex as part of her two year affair? It doesn’t make sense but that is what both of them have told me. I guess it’s more likely that they still talk to each other, I just don’t want to believe it.

Gotcha, makes sense to be tactical about telling OBS. I do think telling her is more than just exposure though. She has the right to know who she’s married to. My father was a serial cheater. If anyone had told my mom at any point along the way what was going on, she could have had a chance to do something about it. Could have been pursuing R or maybe a D, but it would have given her the chance to make the choice. As it turned out, he left her for another woman at the age of 62, and she’s never even dated since (she’s in her 80s now). She never had the chance to have an authentic marriage…I do hope you tell her when the time is right for you.

And I hope you are finally getting the truth. I hope their story actually IS the truth, but I share your skepticism nonetheless. Many WWs have said they were only in it for the validation, and only really performed sex acts to keep the "ego kibbles" coming. Or maybe the oral happened at the end of the A and they pulled the plug before it crossed that final line…I don’t know. My fingers are crossed for you.

I highly doubt you have the entire extent of things. You currently have no idea how deep this rabbit hole is. You may never know how far and you certainly will not have every single detail of it that you desperately need. Not a 2 year relationship. You need to start thinking whether you can accept that you will never have 100% of everything and whether you can live with that knowledge. Some people cannot and there's not a damn thing wrong with feeling like that. It is 100% valid. None of this is your fault.

Also, unfortunately, do not be surprised if the affair went underground and they found other means to communicate and to meet after you discovered the amount of texting between them. Did she have Facebook (in this day and age, who doesn't?) Instagram or Snapchat.. all those apps are easily concealable and do not show up on a phone bill. This is why you need to inform the OBS to see if she can discover anything from her end. Maybe you find an ally in your truth seeking, hopefully she is willing. But beware she may just want to stick her head in the sand and ignore it. Maybe this wasn't his first affair and she's learned to live with him. Sad but not unheard of, unfortunately.

Please follow through with the attorney visit. Filing for divorce is not going nuclear. Consider it like sending nuclear equipped bombers. Unlike missiles, you can always recall bombers. You can always end/dismiss the divorce up to the Judge signing the decree, and in reality, even after the decree is signed you can always move for a new trial or motion to vacate decree, so really, it's not the end.

On that note, you need to consider have some deep, honest conversations with your children. They are in their 20s so they are old enough to know the truth. You've seen the results of what 10 years of lies and deception lead to. Don't let your children and close family also stay in the dark and clueless. The truth -always- comes out; better it come out now and come from you rather than neighborhood gossip or another family member blurts something out years from now. Because of your WW's recent self-imposed mental crisis, it would be far too easy for you to be portrayed as a cold, uncaring and abusive spouse that leaves his wife after a metal health diagnosis. Maybe your WW facilitates this narrative, (she seems to embrace victimhood rather than face her flaws) or maybe, friends and family jump to this assumption because they don't know all the facts. You can't control what people think but you can inform those closest to you of the facts to let them come to their own conclusions. Try not to show them your anger (it will be difficult) but put it in a way that both you and your wife will need their support going forward.

You may want to express to your son that you understand if he needs counseling and to have someone to talk to. Offer to help him find a therapist. He may feel guilty and somehow this is his fault because it was his coach and he didn't (hopefully) see or detect anything between your WW and her AP. It's no more his fault than your fault and he needs to understand this.

Thanks Frank, I hope so too.

Nuke- I fear you’re right about the depths of this and I am the kind of person who can’t move forward without all of the details. She will feel like she’s getting away with something and it seems like that will somehow enable/encourage her to continue. I wouldn’t be able to live that way.
As far as our kids, my son doesn’t show much emotion, so I’m not sure I’d ever know how badly finding this out would hurt him. Of course he could go to therapy but I really don’t want to saddle him with a need for that. My daughter is extremely close to my wife and extremely perceptive. I worry more about her having had a feeling about this whole thing and feeling guilty once it comes out. I think she realizes her mother is a handful but probably has not wanted to see things for what they are, just like me. I’m worried that this will hurt her badly.
It’s sad though, when I brought up talking to the kids with my wife she gets very short and says that the kids will be fine because "they’re adults". I don’t think they’ll be fine and am worried about her attitude.

We’ve gone two days without me bringing up the affair and she hasn’t even tried to mention it. I’m pretty sure she thinks the whole thing is going to go away after a few therapy sessions. If that’s what she considers making an effort, all of this may be a waste of time.
Thanks to all!