SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so sorry for you. The affairs are bad enough, but the continued lying & cheating is devastating.

I don’t think you have much to work with in terms of expecting a monogamous marriage.

🚩🚩🚩

Still on the game / hosting / whatever

Continued lies upon lies

Continued contact with the affair partner

Cannot commit to "no contact"

Constantly on her phone in front of you & kids

Your lives are in crisis mode right now — and what has she done?

‘I had started to calm down but now my nervous system is wrecked’ - you, my friend, will be giving advice here in the future pushing people to do things such as monitoring, exposure and immediate legal advice.

It’s advice built upon thousands of hours of unfortunate suffering.

How can I believe anything she says and I have no way of knowing because she deletes everything.

You cant, and much more importantly you shouldnt imo. See, you may not understand the entire import of the decisions you are making in the immediate (go back and read my earlier post) but the near future wellness of you and your children may well hinge on you seeing her objectively as no where near being remorseful. Shes still playing games (serious pun intended) with you, your children, your marriage, your family and your family's future.

Try an exercise. If a good friend told you this story as happening to them, what would your advice be to them? I daresay that it would reflect much of the input being given here on your thread.

Above all right now, I wish you strength and clarity.

"People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

That's a phrase I used with my wife a couple of times when she was guarded with her phone and kept deleting messages.

She doesn't do that anymore, and hasn't in a long time. As long as that continues she's absolutely intentionally hiding things from you. She cannot be trusted. It's really that simple.

My words will Echo what others have said. First, no MC, your relationship is not at a point where it could help. Both need IC.

Second, she needs to give up the laptop for the sake of the relationship. But it sounds like she values the laptop more than R, so the thought of R at this point is impossible

Unless your wife is willing to drag her naked butt through miles of broken glass, R will not work. Until a WS is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage he/she has done, R will not work

Doing the 180 is the best thing you can do AND the hardest. But once you do the 180 and take that first step in the opposite direction, your life will start to get better. You will finally see a direction forward for yourself. If your wife turns and walks in the opposite direction then you know where you stand in the relationship and you need to make decisions that are solely in your best interest

All of us have been exactly where you are. When I thankfully found this forum I was given similar advice but at the time I was scared to death that if I took a stand it would push my wife towards her AP. It took several months before I finally felt like my feet were planted on Solid Ground and I could make decisions based on logic and not fear

I would suggest scheduling a consultation with a divorce attorney and letting your wife know that you're going. You're not filing for divorce, you just want your path forward. How your wife reacts is strictly up to her, let her handle it however she wants to, do not engage her

As long as a WS knows that their partner is waiting around, the WS has zero motivation to change.

Now, I have not read all of your messages, just your first, but I am calling BS on her saying she just met this guy 2 weeks ago and she was already sending him nudes and talking about replacing you with him. If you did some digging I'm willing to bet you would find out this is been going on for longer than 2 weeks

FYI, if you are using iPhones, did you know that text messages between iPhones do not go through your cellular provider thus no record? I didn't. I searched my wife's cell phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary and almost gave up on my suspicions but like you her tablet was synced to her phone. My wife was devious enough to delete her texting each day before she left work but I checked her tablet while she was at work and that's how I stumbled into what was going on

I don’t think either of you realize the seriousness of what she’s dealing with.

Ever read Dracula? One interesting "fact" about vampires is that they can’t enter a house without an invitation. With her online activities, your wife has opened your home for the ghoulies….

Met someone on an online server, AI porn… Someone she’s shared nudes with…
I’m guessing she has no way to confirm that the user BodyBuilderDoctor whom she fell for on that forum is really Dr. Stewart McDonald MD who spends his time doing pro bono heart-transplants to underprivileged orphans in between saving kittens and puppies. For all she knows it might be a 14 year old kid having the time of his life and possibly leading to her being on the FBI’s radar as a predator. Or the OM is a 38 year old married alcoholic with a history of abuse and divorces. Or the OM is actually a gang of scammers working from a call center in Mumbai.

What I think I can safely say is that anyone using an AI porn environment to meet people… has issues… Best case scenario is that the OM is as mixed up as your wife (because this is mixed up…), but I think that unlike forums like SI that’s set up for mutual peer-sharing, these porn sites are set up for financial reasons. That includes being able to catfish willing victims.

Please – Ensure your finances. If this is as dubious as I fear there is always the threat that the OM starts calling in his chips. If this was a scam, then MAYBE the original plan was to get her to send money so he could visit, only now she’s gone the threat of exposing the nudes could be used as a threat.

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I am firmly in the group that thinks that the best way to deal with infidelity is by setting them free.
No – not divorce. Not necessarily. But more a stance where you tell her she can do what she wants to. You don’t want to monitor her, yet there isn’t any way you can feel assured she’s on-board with the marriage.
Tell her that she can do what she wants. She can carry some love-token for OM, she can pine for him, she can contact him, she can send whatever nudes she wants to him, she can remain in that community in her make-belief role as "Princess_trapped_by_troll" or whatever role sha has.
But not as your wife.

If she wants this marriage she needs to let you know, be honest about what happened, be accountable, stop all and any participation in this site/game/forum and commit to the marriage. That ban doesn’t have to be permanent, but maybe for now it would be better you two focus whatever freetime you might have on the relationship.

Unless she’s clear on that she wants the marriage then you are simply assuming there is ongoing contact, and she has chosen through her actions NOT to be your wife, and are acting accordingly.

The disorientation you describe is normal. Being betrayed is traumatic, and shock is a normal. It takes time to work through shock and trauma, and it's not pleasant work by any means. It's awful and terrible.

But you can get through it. You can build a good life after being betrayed. You can survive and thrive.

*****

If you are going to R, the question should be, 'What will she do to prevent further As, even if this A is over?'

What treatment is she using for her ADHD, if any? What care is she receiving, if any?

*****

If R is on the table for you, I strongly recommend developing your requirements for R and sharing them with your W> If she signs on or negotiates alternatives that are truly OK with you, R can start. If she won't sign on, R has already failed.

If I were in your shoes, I'd require 1) treatment for ADHD and 2) complete withdrawal from the game - let someone else support the server. (That's in addition to honesty, NC, IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner and a release that allows her IC to talk with you, and whatever else you need.)

You have to risk your M to save it.

*****

If R is on the table, think twice about the 180. R requires lots of communication. The 180 restricts communication. To make the R decision, you need to know as much about your WS as possible, so the more communication, the better.

*****

OTOH, if you really want to D, you can save yourself a lot of energy and angst by going straight to D.

Like Bigger, I have a lot of faith in offering your WS a clear choice: you, on one hand, vs not you, on the other. But that works best if you mean it. If you're not ready to let her go, my reco is to wait until you are ready. The sooner you're ready, the better, but it's not always easy to get there.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:28 PM, Thursday, October 29th]

Great. So now that she’s admitted where she really met him, and sent him nudes, I’d assume he’s already made ai porn of her to boot. Bet she hasn’t admitted to that yet has she?
Granted, you can make porn out of any basic image, however one of the cornerstones of creating as realistic ai video as possible is having clear, accurate models for the ai to source from. And full on nudes fits that bill.
No way yo know if this will be a scam or not, but I can easily see making up those videos, now ultra realistic and using that as blackmail material.
If I were you and still wanted to give her a chance, I’d follow Pogre’s model to a T.