SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long ago, I read the novel Madame Bovary, and of course there are movie versions, but one has to go to the novel. I don't know if you read much, but I might recommend that for insights. I think there are certain people who tend to live in fantasy and who want princess lives or the perfect match or the perfect this or that, and that's not the way life is, and they reject things that might be good or fine or even great for them....for a fantasy that is not really attainable...and maybe they even assure that it's not attainable, but even if they keep it hidden, it can still cause great damage just from the lack of truthfulness, money they may spend, hours stolen away, and problems that come up with the AP who has his own whole set of desires and interests. It may seem silly to recommend a novel, but sometimes they explain things or show things we find it very hard to understand otherwise. Just a thought.

Ya know....people have to work at marriage and kids, they don't just happen and everything is magically taken care of...some people just really don't want to do the work.

"even has some serious criminal charges that are going to land him as a registered sex offender once sentenced"

Sorry, but this. Whenever I hear about someone being romantic with such a person, let alone exposing the kids to them, let alone planning to live with them (and the kids?!), I think they completely lost it, or never had it in the 1st place. She's not a safe person, not only for you. How can she be trusted as a mother? Do you think you really know her?

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 10:25 PM, Monday, June 15th]

IIWII00 - Yeah, that can't be allowed, and I think your question really sums up a lot of things....I don't think he really knows her. I think she's kept who she is and what she really thinks and wants, well hidden for years, and I'm not sure she can ever really BE honest. To me, this is a person with bad judgment who lives in fantasy. Those are bad qualities in a mother, ask me how I know.

Revenge porn is a thing. Look it up. I just hope it doesn’t happen to you.

Oh yeah.
Some AP don’t even do it it for revenge at all.

The AP tend to be such a high value person, someone who just cares so dearly about our wayward, that exploiting webcam filmed videos of their conquest to put on porn websites for a few bucks and an ego validation is just natural.

Maybe with prostitutes compilation as beside your wayward they are just too shitty of a person to have much luck with normal partners. Either pay whores or find a an idiot that will do it for free.

Ask me how I know.

Not a nice sight to find out that on the internet.
On the other end helps to build the timeline and cut through lies and bullshit. You can always find the positive angle in anything I guess.

So yeah @Op she is an idiot for doing that.

Hopefully you won’t have to experience that shitshow and your kids won’t find out visuals of mommy with a fat greasy ball of lard when they grow older. Maybe mixed in with skunks prostitutes and a captivating title 😆

Brother put yourself first.

What you want, need and your own healing is the only thing that matters now.
She wants to make amends?

Good.

But you set the rules.
There is no but. Don’t like it? We are done.

Is the 180, don’t relent unless you see radical changes.

Is for your own sake.
And believe it or not, forgers too.

Again, great advice and information from everyone. All of your input is greatly appreciated.

The whole situation is surreal. The things discussed on this thread have gone through my head atleast once throughout processing all of this. Who is this person really? Did I ever really know her? What does she actually think about me and our family? Because obviously respect or empathy are non-existent.

The criminal charges against her AP are serious and do involve minors. My wife claims to have not known, but there's no exuse. I'm not downplaying this at all, I'm just not going to go into detail because I'm well aware of how serious this situation is and actions are being taken. Honestly, its by far the worst part of my story and the deepest rabbit hole.

As hard as it is to admit, I'm in love with the fantasy of who I thought this woman was and what I thought our life was. I'm realizing that I was one of those people who was waiting for some radical change and the person I built my life around, really didn't exist all along. It was all based on potential and fantasy. That was all shattered when I found out what was going on. I've been dying with each cut, each lie that gets exposed. As I have to press, dig, and do my own investigations to get any answers, she belittles me for doing so.

My wife doesn't want to fix any of this. I don't even think she truly feels bad about it either. Sure, she is emotional. But is it because of remorse? or because I'm seeing her for who she truly is for the first time? Either way she's still stuck in the justification phase. She recently told me that "she didn't feel emotionally connected to me anymore. I was there physically, but not mentally". She even went as far as to tell me that I've been emotionally neglectful and controlling for our entire relationship, and that I left her long before she did this. It's absolute insanity. When I asked why she never told me she felt like this, she said because I'm impossible to talk to and that she didn't feel like she could. How convenient, right?

Like I've mentioned, I'm not perfect. I can be standoffish, impatient, and moody. Dealing with financial stress definitely made these things worse, but isn't that life? Don't all long marriages go through tough times? Marriage, parenting, and just life in general is hard, but its reality. Then again, reality is what she's really trying to escape. The sad part is, I had no idea I was living this lie. I was honestly happy with my life and damn proud to call her my wife. She was my absolute best friend in this world and the truth is, she abandoned me. She sought out and chose another man over me, over our children, over everything.

And now I'm the villain?

There is no remorse, there is shame because being caught makes her fell bad (see? There’s no trace of you I. This picture)

No matter how shitty the AP is, he could be eating babies and she would roll with him for a hit of validation.

The AP doesn’t really matter, is just a shitty person who is able to do shitty things with another shitty person.

Is she who is broken.

The reasons why she is are for her to find out if she realizes how bad she is right now and doesn’t want to be that person.

Maybe she was always broken, maybe she was on the fence and broke along the way.

It is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is what does impact you.

You matter, she is worthless right now, present past and future.

If she wants to heal and put the work to change, that’s commendable.

But she abused you sexually emotionally in the worst possible way.

You come first now.

Once you heal then you can move the attention to others.

The cheater is always the villain.
Don’t let blame shifting and gaslighting bullshit you and abuse you further.

She is the abuser, and you are the victim.

Simple as that.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:09 PM, Tuesday, June 16th]

Everyone is the main character in their own story, and no one makes themselves the villain. That’s part of what she’s doing, she’s just unable to process that what she did is her fault, and her fault alone.

The other part is manipulation. She wants this conversation to end. Google the term "DARVO" for a better understanding of what is happening when you try to talk to her.

I'm doing my best to understand that, but some of the things that are coming out of her mouth are so shocking. I just don't get how I can be made out to be the bad guy for a 1+ year long affair, which was actually longer because she admitted to being in contact with him On/Off since 2023. I believe AP has been in her life to some extent for our entire relationship.

I've researched DARVO before, is this normal behavior then? Or more so from someone with narcissistic tendencies?

I've researched DARVO before, is this normal behavior then? Or more so from someone with narcissistic tendencies?

More prevalent in NPD but still happens often with people not necessarily narcissistic. You have to have a pretty selfish & self centered to blow up your families lives with infidelity. If they aren't the villain then someone else has to be. Darvo's part of that shifting of blame.

DARVO is legit, my wife tried it on D-Day.

Her: "OH YEAH?! AND WHAT SECRETS DO YOU HAVE THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?!"

Me: "None. You know everything about me. You know my insecurities, my fears, my dreams, my failures, my successes, my fantasies. You know things about me that could make people raise their eyebrows. (Nothing illegal or dangerous, just bedroom stuff)

It's a defensive mechanism to get you to think YOU are to blame for HER affair. This shifts the spotlight away from the WS and they do this because they know there is no acceptable explanation for having an affair.

Do the 180, set the rules, set the timeline, set your demands, set the consequences. Until she believes that you are willing to walk away she has little motivation to change.

Blameshifting is very common behavior in WS’s. My goodness, you don’t expect her to take responsibility for her own actions do you? (Sarcasm!). It has to be your fault or someone else’s. Remember that time in 2017 when you forgot to take the garbage out! Yup! That’s what forced her to cheat on you!

Seriously, no one is a perfect partner. You are not perfect and neither is your WS. Moving forward you can always learn and try and become a better partner. But do not tie that effort to any responsibility for her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Her ability to take responsibility for her actions without blaming you or your M, is an indication if she is truly remorseful. Be firm. Accept no blameshifting. Always value yourself. You deserve a faithful and committed partner. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:10 PM, Tuesday, June 16th]

Thanks, everyone.

I'm trying to move forward with this in the most positive way, with or without her. I've been doing a lot of research on both roles, and I see a lot of what she's pulling, but it's still shocking.

WB1340: I got hit with the same accusation. She said "How do I know you haven't been doing the same thing!?"

My jaw about hit the floor. All I could do was shake my head...

Fareast: Heard something similar to that as well. Things thrown in my face about completely insignificant things that happened 10+ years ago. All I said was "what about all the good things I've done? Can you recite them as well?"

I'm just standing strong that I'm not to blame for her affair. The idea of that is ridiculous.

"How do I know you haven't been doing the same thing!?"

It’s very simple.

We are very receptive, much more than we give ourselves credit for.
Think of children, friends, colleagues, think when you can sense awkwardness outright in a room.

We are wired to process the vibes of others, is a survival mechanism, likely from natural selection.

You could tell that something is off, you can shut it down and then be "blindsided " but generally your instinct get to some anxious tension right the moment something has changed, even if you don’t know yet what.

She is way too comfortable in her fucking arrogance and gaslighting to ever have felt that dooming sensation.
That tells me already that you are unlikely to have cheated on her.

And she likely knows well too. Hence the spunk.

180, and once you get there make a couple of 360 to end back in a 180 shoulder to her.

If you flip her off while spinning like a ballerina…well bonus points.

How do I know you haven't been doing the same thing?

Well, honey, why don’t we both take a polygraph to put this to rest?

About 5 years ago I asked my wife what she thought about us going to MC to learn how to communicate better and her immediate response was an adamant no. I said why not and she said it could bring up other problems in our relationship to which I replied wouldn't it be a good thing to work on these so-called problems?

She said no I think it's a bad idea and I said okay. I went out and found an IC for myself and when I told my wife I had an appointment she got upset. She said why didn't you discuss this with me and I said I did, you were dead set against the idea, so I'm going by myself to learn how to communicate better and that first session was amazing. It felt like I finally had someone to talk to at 50 years old

I told the therapist that I think I'm heading for a divorce. I said my wife is dead set against MC and she (my wife) said it could bring up other problems in our marriage but she doesn't want to talk about them so I think we're heading for divorce

Whenever I would try to talk to my wife about a problem she would fold her arms, put up a wall, and shut down. After learning some things from the therapist I tried again but still my wife would just shut down so I gave up trying

On D-Day my wife was visibly angry at me and she tried saying that I was always angry and she couldn't talk to me, and and and, all bullshit excuses (darvo). I said I went to a therapist to learn how to communicate better and I asked you to go with me and you refused. Even after changing how I tried to initiate conversation with you you still refused to discuss problems. So our lack of communication is your fault

It took months for my wife to admit that her Affair was 100% her fault. She was also very remorseful that she didn't go to MC when I asked because she thinks it may have stopped her from having an affair

When I asked why if she was so unhappy she didn't come to me but turned to another man. My wife said she was closing in on 50 and she was gaining weight and her hair was thinning out and the kids were getting older so they didn't need her as much and her skin didn't fit as tight as it used to and here is a (married) Charming flirtatious Macho guy who is 10 years younger and dropping compliments.

He is a serial cheater and he is very adept at knowing what to say when to say it how to say it, and my wife ate it up. While he was carrying on with my wife his wife was waiting to have surgery to find out if she had breast cancer. I made sure to relay this information to my wife and honestly I did it to make her feel bad. After I told her I said what a nice guy, huh?

Anyhow, stand your ground. If she gets mad when you try to talk to her then just walk away. Do not let her control the narrative.