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Ladybugmaam, I am not an OW but I recently rewatched Sex and the City and season 3 might be informational to you in this instance.
The main character, Carrie, has an A with her married ex. After they get caught by his wife and end the A, she tries desperately to "apologize" to the wife (in my opinion, this was a very selfish apology and was solely to appease her guilt and not to make amends. I don’t see any remorse in her actions).
I want to warn you, watching this could be triggering. The show portrays the entire affair and the fallout. It is brutal and Carrie and the WH are non-remorseful and selfish. But if you’re curious about her mindset, it could provide an insight into the mind of someone who doesn’t see things very clearly and someone who lacks integrity.
Best wishes on your healing

As another fWW, I think Pippin is spot on.

I am a former OW, and I must say I have no idea of why anyone who was an OW would want to try to be close to their former AP or indeed the wife of the former AP. My situation was different than what is described here. I wasn't friends with my AP and his wife. We worked together and the affair started there and lasted 4 years. After I disclosed the affair to his wife 10 years ago, I haven't had the slightest wish to see him again. I don't wish him ill at all - he is just a non entity to me today. But all affairs are different and all OWs are different. SO I might not be the right person to answer.

Not an OW here, but did spend some time thinking about each of my OW and trying to understand them.

It sounds like both you and your H have a kind of glamour and attraction for her, both objects of desire, she certainly seems spellbound. You perhaps less as traditional OW competition fodder but perhaps because she wants to be you and have your life. Is drawn like a moth to a flame. Maybe your FWS was always an adjunct to this central desire. I believe this to be true of one of my OW. But it may also be low level bunny boiling (apologies to FOW on this thread for the reference), you as existential impediment to her becoming you. I wonder if giving her the card of a good therapy agency and wishing her well is in any way useful? I found the killing (the fantasy) with kindness way helpful. For me and them,

[This message edited by Edie at 2:17 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

The show portrays the entire affair and the fallout. It is brutal and Carrie and the WH are non-remorseful and selfish.

It's actually portrayed positively as a good love story.

Though I liked the serial, the entire way the group behaved was the example of how toxic relationships are. It was good as a negative example to avoid, though the characters were likeable the choices were so messed up that I thought that was the message of the serial.

Apparently I was wrong.

Edie....I don't want to get close enough to give her a card for therapy. Not my monkeys there. I wish her well....from afar....actually....I just wish her nothing. To my knowledge, from OBS, she never took any accountability. (Though, I have no way of knowing and don't want to be close enough to know) Other than, I just need her to stay in the random stranger lane that I've worked my ASS off to try to achieve in my brain. And, you're spot....I seriously felt like she wanted to be me....and did what she could to achieve that. In a weird way, it reminds me of the good things that I have....that sometimes, being human, I don't see in the moment.

And to all those referencing Carrie in SITC....ugh. As a character, she wasn't my favorite. She was a terrible friend...she used her friend's troubles for her column, shamed Samantha, dismissed Charlotte (I'm more of a Charlotte) and was a shit to Miranda. She always wanted support, but didn't seem to reciprocate it as much. She seemed whiny and I hated how she acted with the BW. I do like how Natasha responded.....even more so in the marginally entertaining And Just Like That. I hope I can respond in the same classy way, if it comes to that. But, that is fiction....

The spinoff of "Roseanne," "The Conners" isn't a great show for this crowd either. Darlene gets involved in a love triangle when the father of her children (David, from the original show) returns and her current boyfriend. She's clearly sneaking around, lying, and sleeping with both of them. Then of course hilarity ensues... isn't that SO funny?

I had the unfortunate experience of binge watching several episodes at a friend's house with my wife one evening. Those friends are unaware of her affair so I didn't say anything, just sucked it up and suffered through it. It was about 6 months post d day. THAT was an uncomfortable night.

Ugh…Pogre….I keep reminding myself that this is shitty, but alas, human behavior. And, that if you’re the betrayed spouse, what really matters is how you feel and what the betrayer does to make amends….if they do.

I think a more appropriate question to ask would be, "Why do I care what motivates an OW?"
Dont waste the headspace.Id be looking into getting a restraining order and having my attorney issue her a cease and desist.
It's too bothersome to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why cheaters do what they do.

Ladybugmaam

I agree with you 💯% about Sex & the City.

It wasn’t this great love affair. It was an abusive controlling manipulative relationship and both characters acted selfishly and without morals or integrity.

She then marries him and cheats on him with her former fiance.

Typical selfish behavior IMO.

I always believed a strong self-aware 90s modern woman would have dumped Mr. Big and not fallen for his crap.

BTW a good friend of mine worked on the set of Law & Order when Noth was a character. She said he was a pig and sexually harassed the women on the set.

StillLivin....

I think the only reason why I'm asking the question, is because it is a desire to understand something that makes me feel enormously unsafe. I'm grateful for the OW's who thoughtfully responded. It makes sense to me. And, in some ways, provided a proxy for hearing it from the OW in my case....which will never happen. I think the first question that most of us ask early days post DDay is WHY? I think our brains are hardwired in investigate this in order to make sense of it all.

The1stWife....
Chris Noth has always given me the ICK on screen.

Maybe for some BSes in the beginning it may be normal. I guess I'm a little atypical because I never wondered about why the OW did the things she did (stalking, threats, etc). However, my situation is quite different. The OW wasn't a double betrayal.
My BFF did try to sleep with my husband, but he turned her down. When I found out, I went complete NC and never looked back. She didn't try to stay friends, though. It's hard to put myself in that situation now after all of the years of healing.
I'm glad others could give you better insight than me. That's what's so great about a collective of people with different experiences.

@Ladybugmaam

This entire situation is so bizarre. You truly have the patience of a saint for not making a scene or actively confronting her.

What is her deal, exactly? Does she have a partner of her own now? Did she ever reconcile with her past or is she still trying to pursue your husband? All I can presume is that she leads a small, hollow life, and the drama from this situation is the only thing that makes her feel alive. If she has supposedly moved on and is in a new relationship, guilt is the only theory that fits—though even that isn't particularly rational. Usually, if you feel guilty and the person you wronged tells you to "fuck off," you should do exactly that.

Ultimately, if she is a cheater who has never addressed her core issues, trying to analyze her motives is a dead end. She isn't operating from a "morally normal" baseline. She won’t act in a healthy way, and she won’t think in a rational manner. Wondering what drives her is as fruitless as wondering why the BTK killer mocked the police; it is nearly impossible to map the logic of a malfunctioning brain.

There is a quote from Wittgenstein that applies perfectly here: "If a lion could speak, we could not understand him." The idea is that even if someone communicates using your language, you still wouldn't truly understand them because their internal world is so different from yours. Her perspective is so alien to a healthy person that even if she explained herself, the meaning behind her thoughts would remain beyond our grasp.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 12:58 PM, Tuesday, March 17th]

I shift back and forth from….she’s crazy, evil incarnate, etc….and knowing that none of us are all bad or all good. She is as human and complex as us all. For her kids sake, I hope she does find a happier life.

I have no idea if she has a partner - don’t care. She’s not be perusing my FWH to my knowledge. I also shift back and forth from it feels like shes stalking me AND she may also be just going about her day in a small town/community. Whenever we run into each other now, it feels like shes gearing up to say something to me. But, that is my internal dialogue. When we did run into her with a new partner, her PDA demonstration was laughably over the top. In my mind she was communicating to my FWH that she’d moved on.

There was an "apology" of sorts. I received an email saying that she should have not given in to my husband’s advances, but that she was sorry. I read that as "he came on to me"….which seems obvious to me given there was an affair. It was a non-apology. She wanted me to know that she was picked for awhile. As one FWW posted, I think she’s just digging back into being around me reminds her of the ego boost that she had during the affair. There were many lunches and dinners I had with her while the affair was going on…..were it was obvious I had no idea what was going on…..and she was actively being super friendly to conceal the affair and pumping me for information about FWH to stay in it. People do shitty things. I don’t want her to starve, but I’ll not be feeding her myself.

@Ladybugmaam

I shift back and forth from….she’s crazy, evil incarnate, etc….and knowing that none of us are all bad or all good. She is as human and complex as us all. F

That is likely the case, but my point still stands: she appears to be a cheater who never dug down to address her core issues. Because of this, her outlook will never mirror that of a healthy person. Attempting to understand why she acts the way she does probably won't get you very far because you are looking for logic where there is none.

To illustrate my point, look at a common example: when people cheat and claim their reason was, "I didn't think I was worthy of you." To a rational person, that makes zero sense—it’s one of the most illogical statements someone can make. Yet, that is genuinely how a certain subsection of broken people feel. Even knowing their reasoning, it’s still impossible to truly understand it because the foundation is so flawed.

When we did run into her with a new partner, her PDA demonstration was laughably over the top. In my mind she was communicating to my FWH that she’d moved on.

...Gag. Yep—classic "sad little life" behavior. It’s a performance for an audience of two, and it only proves how much space you still occupy in her head.

Since you are clearly a good person, better than I, I will hope that she doesn't have a happy life from my end ahah.

I think she wishes she ended up with your partner and feels she through her cushy life away for nothing. Her hovering around you could be fishing for cracks to reach out.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 1:44 PM, Tuesday, March 17th]

As yourself the question, if I’d done the same as OW then what would I do differently to OW with regards to this situation.
Then as yourself why you WOULD NOT do the same think as the OW is doing.
When you have your answer then there’s a high probability that is the reason she is acting this way. Mentally unstable.

Might I add, personally I think you have the patience of a saint because I would definitely be asking her if she wanted to meet Jesus today, hold your head up high, you’re a warrior.