Gosh, that comment "Are you wrong about the facts or wrong about his character?" really hit home. Wrong about his character I guess, and it hurts like hell!
He has now had 3 IC sessions and is beginning to share some of the realisations and reflections. Some of them are incredibly painful to hear, but I respect the vulnerability and openness he is demonstrating... Especially knowing some of the things he shares will promote an emotive and angry response from me... He sits. He listens. He helps me through the panic attacks (he actually ordered me a weighted sleep blanket, because he knows I've struggled with the insomnia). Those acts of unrequested thoughtful acts.. are him, have always been him - that's not grovelling. That's who I know my husband to be.
I've just got home from a couple of weeks away with my mum. Since being back I have spotted two self help books half read on the night stand, along with a journal. I opened his laptop to 20 tabs of different articles,sites
(including WS on this one) focused on the personal work he needs to do and how he can support me. I also see 5 more books in our Amazon cart.
For someone who doesn't read books, journal, or do any kind of mindfulness.. This is a huge amount of work in two weeks.
The boldest action he has taken in my absence is to disclose his infidelity to his line management at work. He had to inform them that he can no longer travel, and was honest about why. Since travel was a large part of his role, they will either need to find him a position here or let him go. The fact he has taken accountablity at work is probably the biggest thing for me. He is an expert in his field, I was incredibly proud of him before this, and he loved what he did. Whilst I recognise this is a consequence of his actions and I potentially should have no sympathy.. Knowing how much he cares about his reputation and what others think, and owning up to it.. It's a huge step. I don't have the right word for it. But I recognise that.
He is hustling and he knows he needs to! I would never describe myself as a catch, but sure, everyone used to always tell my husband he was punching (which I now think is part of the problem). I personally never felt that way. I always felt he made me better and stronger. But I do know my self worth:I am well respected and successful in my work, have a fantastic group of friends, and a loving family. I have to keep reminding myself of this on the days I feel like I won't survive this.
Obviously I'm still in the early wild stages of grief. Some days I think "fuck it. I'm out".. And other days I can't imagine life without him. I guess what I'm struggling with, is this all too late? Repetitive behaviour over a 5 year period. Can he genuinely change? I don't think you ever love them the same again. We were High school sweethearts and that pure love and trust of 15 years... It's gone, and the heartbreak is so painful that I just can't yet see the light. If I can't love him the same, is there any point? But then... I will never be the same and probably never love anyone the same, because I'm permanently altered.
Sorry! A very long rambling update.
