SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@wearingthehorns

"I really had to struggle to hold my tongue. What he did was wrong and I’ll never try to defend it, but what she did for significantly longer is an order of magnitude worse. I came close to letting her have it but decided it wasn’t going to change anything so why bother. But it’s eaten at me that’s for sure. Sometimes I think regardless of how much progress they make that waywards will never truly understand what exactly it was they did to us."

The things my WW has said and done is mind boggling to me for sure, but she said something to me a couple of days ago that stuck with me and I believe it is valid in this case, and possibly explains (not excuses) what is going through their heads when they make these comments.

I asked her "If you truly felt guilty and ashamed of your first affair like you say, how did you let yourself have another 13 years later?" she answered I believe honestly "After about 9 years I forgot the guilt and never really thought about it much again."

She too has made comments and shown disgust to others when cheating is revealed or discussed in the past, we even watch the Ashley Madison documentary together and she was horrified (now I know it was horrified at herself, just not enough to stop). I think if we make it work, and that is a really big if, I will always let her know when she is being hypocritical because her own admission states that after a period of time they forget the guilt and pain, but we are stuck with the tab forevermore. I think it is important to let them know how we feel about it, not in a vindictive way nor abusive, rather to show that even though the feelings fade and lessen for them we are always left with the real severe pain.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not stuck with the pain forever.

Yes the abuse was painful and you will always remember what a rape of your soul it was while you endured it.

But the pain also disappears when you heal, only the memories stay as a memento.

Connection is likely an individual response, seems for some it came back stronger.
For me it faded into irrelevance.

No idea yet as healing is fresh, but the pain is gone, I can vouch that you will not have to deal with it forever.

That is fair Im less than a month out from the last timeline detail. Pain hasn't faded at all for me but connection is almost non existent now

I came close to letting her have it but decided it wasn’t going to change anything so why bother. But it’s eaten at me that’s for sure.

Brother, you just asked a question and then answered it in the very next sentence.

I completely understand the anger and outrage. This is one of those situations in which an artfully delivered 2x4 is certainly warranted. When you've calmed down and thought about how and why her attitude and comments have triggered you, deliver that 2x4.

I'm sure you're well aware that this situation with your son and his wife are apt to trigger all sorts of thoughts and feelings for both of you. These triggers, left unspoken and unresolved, will change things between you two. I'm guessing that they already have, judging by your recent posts about this situation.

So, why not bother? What's holding you back?