SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I just want to go on top of the mountain and yell out my story!
We have been together 10 years, 8 years married. I knew my husband since I was 15. When we started dating, there were some issues with him being still in touch with his ex. I got over it and choose to be with him. Fast forward to our marriage, we got married and after a couple of months, I found out that he never finished off with his ex. He was still in touch and they would face time while I am at work. I chose to forgive and stay.
Now, 5 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child, I found out he was flirting and chatting to a girl from his work where they would say they love each other in chats. I chose to forgive and stay.
We now have 2 kids and I thought everything is going well. Big change in relationship after raising 2 young kids and I was hoping one day when the kids are bit independent, we will get our time back.

Over the weekend, my husband went out with his friends and came home really drunk. I was 14 missed calls from his colleague and I genuinely thought there might be an emergency at workplace and he is so drunk not to check it. I opened this girl’s messages- first word- "BABE". I completely lost it. Couldn’t believe what I am seeing on screen, stayed up all night reflecting on what I have just read. Apparently they were planning to meet each other when my husband was out but that didn’t work out. (This girl is married, ofcourse to someone else)
I didn’t confront anything. I wanted to see his reaction when he is not drunk and back into his senses to realise what he had done. First forward to next day morning, he woke up, I waited for him to check messages on his phone, after that, I told him that there were 14 missed calls from his colleague, he said really? I don’t know, I could see him scrolling on his phone deleting texts so I don’t see them. He asked- did I fuck up? I didn’t say anything.
He tried to ask for forgiveness but I am sure there’s no space for it anymore. I am self aware that, there were too many red flags in this and I should have just stopped when I found out the first time ever. Well, I didn’t! Didn’t have guts to run away and start all over.
I just don’t know how do I make the best decision considering our kids- they are only 4.5 and 1.5 years old. I don’t want them to suffer and at the same time, I don’t want to deal with this toxicity anymore.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated:)

First suggestion....make it real...tell the other spouse without letting your husband know. Gives you some agency. I would say initially, there needs to be 100% transparency. Meaning recover all texts, etc. You need to know what you are dealing with. Of course you have every right to be done right now.

One word of advice, if you plan on seeing a therapist, make sure they are a Betrayal Trauma Specialist.

I am so sorry you are going through this. 😢

Hi, welcome to SI.

First thing, please find a good trauma counselor to help you navigate his repeated infidelity.

Secondly, find a shark attorney just for knowledge, knowledge is power.

Seems he is a serial cheater, do you want to continue living your life hypervigilant bc at this point, I would not trust a word coming out of his mouth.

I hope you took screenshots of the messages bc the husband of his colleague needs to know his wife is a potential cheater.

Check out the Healing Library, chock full o great articles.

Thank you for your messages. I am a mess. I honestly don’t know how I have a go at it. I am in only for the kids. If it was just me and my partner, I would’ve left the second I found out. But I feel like I am stuck in the loop, I keep going back and forth. I mean I am so used to be with him so I do want that comfortness but at the same time, I can’t stand what he has done and I can’t take the conversation he has had with her!!!!
Yes, I do have every evidence since the beginning.

Take your time to make ANY decisions.

Breathe. Eat if you can. Hydrate. Avoid drugs & alcohol.

Don’t make any decisions for next 45 days (at least). Give yourself some time to plan your next move.

You may want to remain together while you get your exit strategy together. You may want the financial support or stability for now.

Keep posting here to get support and feedback. I’m sorry you had to join this site but it will help you tremendously.

After almost 10 days of dealing with this, decided to talk to partner’s AP today. Apparently, my partner never told her that he was married or had kids. She eventually found out as they work together. Ofcourse she went ahead and continued talking to my partner until I found out the texts. I am not blaming it on her at all. Clearly, it’s my partner’s fault. But, I am sure what I want.
They say time will heal everything, I still have my moments every night because we are in the same house for the sake of kids but I will get better and will be able to get over this relationship. It feels like it was never honest or real to start with.
Fingers crossed.

Good for you Jellybean. Knowing you’re going to be ok is such a crucial first step out of infidelity. Stay strong sister!

It feels like it was never honest or real to start with.

Sadly this appears to be true.

I can’t explain why he has continued to need outside validation from random women. Maybe he needs the ego boost or is so insecure that he doesn’t function without it.

Whatever the reason, it never had anything to do with you. My guess is he continues this behavior because he doesn’t think you will ever leave him.

He may start to face reality and make all kinds of promises now that you are moving forward w/out him. The challenge is knowing whether they are empty promises, yet again, or he’s being honest.

In any event, no matter what you decide to do, you need to protect yourself. You need a job, own bank account, own credit cards, own life insurance for kids. Start separating yourself now.

If you D him, then you have a good start on separation. If you stay w/ him, you are establishing independence and your own identity.

I’m sorry your life has been subjected to his stupid choices. A life free from this worry and drama will be your reward if you D. Your only option then is a peaceful co-parenting relationship.

An update on my life!
Thank you everyone for your messages. I just can’t cope with this and be normal, because that’s what my husband want. It’s either divorce or me not bringing up every single day. It has been even a month since I found out and I am not okay I am not coping. He told me today that he is fed up with me and I should not be torturing him by talking about the same thing again and again. I really feel empty from inside now. :(

Wow! JB,

Awful the way he is treating you. He is fed up? This man doesn't care about your feelings. Start working on your exit plan. Every day.
Your life will improve immensely when you don't have a man child for a husband that lies, deceives, cheats, and then further disrespects you with his arrogant comments that he is fed up.

Jellybean19,

classic DARVO behavior from your unfaithful. Don't put up with it.
Kick him out of the house for 30 days if you can. The clarity you will start to have when he's not in front of you will help immensely.

He lost any right to tell you what to do the minute he violated your marriage covenant. He's basically saying 'I'm going to do whatever the f I want, and you don't have the right to tell me anything.'

That's him trying to control the situation. Don't let him. YOU have all the power now. You're going to be ok. The kids are going to be ok.

If he doesn't agree to start doing the work on himself with a therapist, then he's telling you all you need to know.

Jellybean19

It’s either divorce or me not bringing up every single day.

I am so sorry you are being put in that position because you are not even a month out and your mind and body are still trying to understand what has happened.

Talking about it is not torture. Being betrayed and then expected to be normal is torture.

I relate to this part as I am also dealing with being told the subject should not keep being brought up and I know how lonely that can feel...

He told me today that he is fed up with me

This is really unfair as he created the wound and now he is acting inconvenienced by your injury..that is not remorse and it is not repair.

You do not have to decide everything today especially with two very young children and the shock still so fresh but please do not let him make you believe your pain is the problem. The problem is his repeated choices and the fact he now wants the fallout to be quiet and convenient for him.

Take care of yourself in the smallest ways today - eat something drink water keep evidence safe and speak to someone safe in real life if you can. You are not empty because you are weak. You are empty because this is too much to carry alone.

An update on my life!

Thank you everyone for your messages. I just can’t cope with this and be normal, because that’s what my husband want. It’s either divorce or me not bringing up every single day. It has been even a month since I found out and I am not okay I am not coping. He told me today that he is fed up with me and I should not be torturing him by talking about the same thing again and again. I really feel empty from inside now. :(

Your husband is in for a rude awakening. This isn't something you can brush off in a month. Or a couple of months. Or a year. The general rule of thumb for recovering from trauma like this is 2 to 5 years, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

If he wants this to work (and you, for that matter) he's going to have to humble up, take full accountability, and let you get this out of your system. If that means answering the same questions for the hundredth time for the next year and a half then that's what it's going to take.

My wife had an affair 17 months ago, we're still reeling from the aftermath, and I'm by no means "over it."

Betrayal trauma is real trauma. I've seen it described as worse than the death of a loved one, and that's been my experience. He needs to seriously recalibrate his attitude about this if you guys are going to rebuild your relationship. Don't settle for less than 100% effort and remorse on his behalf. I got genuinely angry what I read that he expects you to never bring it up. That's horseshit. You've been deeply injured, and he's responsible for it. He doesn't get to cause you that type of injury then dictate when you're supposed to stop bleeding.

Do you think he'd read a short book? "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda Macdonald is a great book that really puts into perspective what a betrayed spouse goes through. The audio version is a little over 2 hours long and my wife and I listened to it together. It really opened her eyes.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:09 PM, Monday, September 14th]

JB I have no idea why my suggestion disappeared into the ether. Your husband is emotionally three years old or possibly younger. As we age from birth to about 30 we learn how to behave with others. We learn how to read, we learn how to dress , make decisions, etc.,we grow emotionally, grow physically, we grow mentally, we grow socially. Your husband sounds like he can make friends and enjoy himself so socially he’s right on target, he’s obviously physically and mentally grown because it sounds like he has a job. What he has not done is grow emotionally. Something stopped him from being able to mature. The sign of a mature adult is being able to postpone pleasure and your husband cannot do that. What he does is anything he wants to, when he wants to, without any idea that anyone else will be harmed by that. He doesn’t care because he’s two or three and they are still very selfish at that age. I don’t see any help for him unless he gets intense therapy and it doesn’t sound like he’s the slightest bit interested in changing anything. You need therapy to make some really strong decisions. I don’t normally tell somebody about separation and divorce but this is the person you’re going to live with for the rest of your life. This is what he is and this is what he does and he will continue to do this because he’s three years old and they’re able to have temper, tantrums and get their way and everybody caters to them.

JB I have no idea why my suggestion disappeared into the ether. Your husband is emotionally three years old or possibly younger. As we age from birth to about 30 we learn how to behave with others. We learn how to read, we learn how to dress , make decisions, etc.,we grow emotionally, grow physically, we grow mentally, we grow socially. Your husband sounds like he can make friends and enjoy himself so socially he’s right on target, he’s obviously physically and mentally grown because it sounds like he has a job. What he has not done is grow emotionally. Something stopped him from being able to mature. The sign of a mature adult is being able to postpone pleasure and your husband cannot do that. What he does is anything he wants to, when he wants to, without any idea that anyone else will be harmed by that. He doesn’t care because he’s two or three and they are still very selfish at that age. I don’t see any help for him unless he gets intense therapy and it doesn’t sound like he’s the slightest bit interested in changing anything. You need therapy to make some really strong decisions. I don’t normally tell somebody about separation and divorce but this is the person you’re going to live with for the rest of your life. This is what he is and this is what he does and he will continue to do this because he’s three years old and they’re able to have temper, tantrums and get their way and everybody caters to them.

It’s really hard for me to go back home and see him what appears to be him having peaceful time. It breaks my heart over and over to remember what he has done to me. He told me last night that he can’t live without me. I asked about him cheating on me and if the idea of me ever crossed his mind during that time, and he said he has always loved me.
What I am not able to understand is how you can’t think about your partner when deciding to cheat on them. Even if you know very well that this is going to hurt your partner .
I just can’t imagine me trusting him again anymore, that’s for sure. Nothing else I would want to think about at the moment.