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Hi SI, need some outside perspective on an argument I'm having with my partner. Admittedly, I approach thing more logically, and am generally more stoic, but I can be a bit myopic sometimes.

Briefly -- around bedtime last night, our block lost water. We live in a major city, so dozens (if not a hundred or more) people, plus some businesses and restaurants. Despite all the neighbors calling city agencies to report the issue, we all kept being told there was nothing we could do but file a complaint, there were no emergency services to send out.

Partner was already in bed, half asleep -- his work schedule has him going to bed and waking up a couple hours before the rest of the family. His advice was to just go to bed, water service would probably be working fine in the morning. He said he wasn't getting up, but we could go if we wanted to.

I was unsure, but said if the water still wasn't on in the morning, getting ready for camp and work was going to be a nightmare and I didn't want to gamble on it.

I called my family that lives 10 minutes away, they didn't have any water issues and said we were welcome to spend the night. We packed overnight bags, I kissed partner and said goodbye (he grunted but mostly stayed asleep), and we left.

I woke up to a barrage of angry texts, about how I don't trust him and I treat him like a child, and he was right because the water was on this morning and everything was fine, and I didn't need to panic and leave in the middle of the night (we left at 10:30pm, after roughly an hour and a half of no water, there was no panicking).

I think some of this may be tied into FOO/divorced parents/his dad cut contact for many years?

But honestly, I just feel exasperated. We've angrily been texting back and forth. He thinks I should apologize for not believing him when he was right about the water being back on by morning. I think that us leaving to have access to a working bathroom when he was already asleep and told me we could go if we wanted should be no big deal. He keeps texting back that I'm missing the big picture, and I keep texting back that it's ridiculous to get upset when he said we could go!

I'm trying to look at it from a different perspective and have some more empathy, but on the flip side -- this feels really, really ridiculous to me, and I kind of want to just be like, "Fucking chill out man!" Like maybe this is part of some bigger thing for you, but for me? I just wanted to use the toilet and brush my teeth before bed!

Hi ibonnie. Nice to "see" you again.

"Fucking chill out man!"

I think that would be totally appropriate.

Yeah, he was right. So what? I think it's odd that he's throwing a fit about it, although I'd be curious about why.

ETA: why are you angry?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:55 PM, Friday, August 7th]

I kind of agree with him that just going to bed was a valid option. There was nothing you could do to figure out when the water would be fixed, but generally these things take hours not days to fix. I might have suggested waking up a little early to see if it's still out. Maybe reaching out to family to coordinate ahead of time in case relocation was still necessary.

I woke up to a barrage of angry texts, about how I don't trust him and I treat him like a child, and he was right because the water was on this morning and everything was fine, and I didn't need to panic and leave in the middle of the night (we left at 10:30pm, after roughly an hour and a half of no water, there was no panicking).

This; however, isn't a good look. This isn't I told you so. This I was right and you were wrong and I must punish you for that. That attitude is awful. In the grand scheme of things what did your sleeping at your families house do to ruin his day? You wouldn't have done it if you weren't anxious about not having a bathroom. It allowed you to manage that angst. I understand he may have been half asleep when you left, but would he have been just as apologetic in the morning if he was wrong. It takes a lot of FOO to justify him needing to sustain that argument so vehemently.

Hi Unhinged! :)

Yeah, he was right. So what? I think it's odd that he's throwing a fit about it, although I'd be curious about why.

I went back and reread the messages from the morning -- it sounds like he was surprised to find us gone and found it upsetting the way I did it.

On the flip side -- I felt like I was being considerate because I didn't wake him up fully. We had discussed me going before he fell asleep, there was no water, I wanted to brush my teeth and use the toilet. I don't understand why I needed to be inconvenienced when I didn't have to??

ETA: why are you angry?

Not angry, I just feel like this situation is absurd, he's being ridiculous and I don't feel remotely sorry for anything. He said if we wanted to go, we could go and he made it clear that he had no desire to get out of bed and join us.

I kind of agree with him that just going to bed was a valid option.

In the grand scheme of things what did your sleeping at your families house do to ruin his day?

^^^This is what I'm stuck on.^^^
I wasn't ready to go to bed yet, and I wanted to use the bathroom before I went to bed, which I wasn't able to do at our apartment, but could easily do 10 minutes away at my family's place.

It takes a lot of FOO to justify him needing to sustain that argument so vehemently.

If you knew his FOO, you would understand the need to stubborn need to argue a point.

I usually just go with the flow for most things, but I'm prepared to die on this hill because I think he was being absurd and I am not going to apologize because he felt bad about something, which wasn't my intent.

I feel sorry that he obviously felt bad. I do not feel sorry for leaving to go use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and take a shower when I could easily do so!

So I'm curious... the title of the thread leads me to wonder whether you're asking us if *his* feelings were valid, or if *your* feelings were valid. (or both?)

Feelings are feelings; they're not facts; they're not right or wrong. You each have a right to feel how you did about the situation - you were anxious about what would happen if you woke up in the morning and the water was not on, so you made a Plan B. He was not concerned about this, so he had no anxiety until he woke up and found you gone. Something about your actions threatened him in some way, and it's probably about a lot more than your choosing to go to your family's home. Texting is not the way to resolve it because it's easy to say things to someone who's not standing right in front of you that you wouldn't say if they were.

If someone told me I was ridiculous because I was upset, I'd be furious! So you might need to own that one. It sounds like an inconvenient situation left you both in a vulnerable place (for different reasons) where feelings were heightened, and you each got defensive. It's understandable, but you both need to get to a place where you can be curious about the other person's feelings about what happened in the aftermath of the situation. Perhaps his FOO issues ARE what led to his anger, but regardless, his anger was a feeling, and feelings are feelings. Just as your feelings about how he reacted are just feelings.

All you can do is reflect on your feelings and try to imagine how you'd start a sentence with, "I felt _____ when we discovered the water outage, and this is how I needed to handle it for myself." AND "I felt _____ when you accused me of not trusting you and treating you like a child." All you can do is own your own feelings and hope the other partner can come to understand why you responded the way you did.

You both had a right to respond to the inconvenience as you did, but for some reason, it led to a hurtful experience for both of you, and now you're saying it's the hill you're prepared to die on. I have to wonder if this is more than a one-off experience or if it's a part of a broader picture with the two of you that you're preparing to die on this hill. Because someone who otherwise is respectful and communicative, but initiates an outburst such as his (starting with the morning texts), is worth exploring the situation with. But if this is his usual pattern, then you might need to consider why you're allowing someone to treat you this way and why you're allowing yourself to get caught up in his tirade via text messages.

I really hope for your sake that this is just a one-off situation, and that by now, you've had a chance to talk it out in person in a more calm state.

If someone told me I was ridiculous because I was upset, I'd be furious! So you might need to own that one.

This is fair, although I genuinely feel like an angry text tirade over something that didn't affect him is ridiculous. He's welcome to feel how he feels, but he should process his feelings, not say ridiculous things like, he would question my ability to handle a real emergency situation if this is how I handled this one.

Uh... I made a plan B and moved temporarily to resources that were easily available to us. He went to bed and said he wasn't worried about it.

Yes, he was right. The water was back on again by morning. But it had no affect on him. He had already showered and was in bed, and would be gone for work before we had all woken up.

For me, even if we had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to do any of our lunch prep for the next day (wash water bottles, prepare food, etc.), so that would be another task for me to either handle in the morning, in addition to showers. I'm not a morning person, it's my responsibility to get myself and make sure the kids are ready to go in the mornings because my partner is already at work, and I know that my family nearby shower/get ready for work in the mornings, so if we showed up in the morning asking to use their bathrooms, we would either all have to wake up much earlier than usual and/or risk being late for camp/work.

So... I made the choice to do what was easiest for the three of us, and... he was angry that he woke up and we were gone. Despite me telling him we were going, and him saying we could go if we wanted to. It's not like he missed out on having breakfast with us, we're all still asleep when he leaves for work normally.

I'm questioning what I'm missing here, because from my perspective there was nothing to get angry about? It didn't change his evening or morning at all! So yes... it feels ridiculous to me.

Unhinged described it as "throwing a fit," which is accurate.

And yes, I'm realizing that the way I respond would be akin to if one of my kids was throwing a fit. So... partner isn't wrong that maybe I'm treating him like a kid by saying things like, "I'm sorry you're upset that we left," vs. "I'm sorry that we left," because... I'm not sorry that we made the plan B choice vs. waiting to figure out a plan C in the morning.

now you're saying it's the hill you're prepared to die on. I have to wonder if this is more than a one-off experience or if it's a part of a broader picture with the two of you that you're preparing to die on this hill. Because someone who otherwise is respectful and communicative, but initiates an outburst such as his (starting with the morning texts), is worth exploring the situation with. But if this is his usual pattern, then you might need to consider why you're allowing someone to treat you this way and why you're allowing yourself to get caught up in his tirade via text messages.

This is not a one off. We've been together going on 17ish years at this point. There's been a couple of times over the years where I've just blocked his texts for the day, waited for his angry outburst to run it's course, and then we talk about it when we're together in the evening.

This time was particularly frustrating because it genuinely felts absurd to me, especially saying things like I never apologize, and I should just say I'm sorry to squash things.

This isn't true -- if I mess up or hurt someone's feelings, I feel bad and apologize. In this situation, I do not feel remotely sorry for spending the night at my family's house so we could use their bathroom.

I really hope for your sake that this is just a one-off situation, and that by now, you've had a chance to talk it out in person in a more calm state.

We haven't had a chance to talk about it, but the status quo is that he likely won't bring it up again, and things will go back to normal and be fine for the next six months or a year or even two years before something like this happens again.

I was trying to sort of if he has a valid point about some of the things he said, like I treat him like a child, but I almost feel like this is a catch-22? If you're throwing a fit, then I'm going to treat you like someone throwing a fit -- I'm going to try to disengage from the situation while they're still obviously upset, and I'm not going to placate them while they're being ridiculous. If he wanted to have a conversation in person last night about how he was upset to find us gone, okay, fine, we can discuss that. But waking up to a barage of angry texts with random texts throughout the day asking why I can't just apologize and admit I was wrong?

Bro. Chill.

Good to see you. I hope life is good except for this.

Your partner made a prediction based on his view of probabilities. He was right - this time.

In some cases, the water is NOT back on in hours. I can name a case here in which a neighborhood - a relatively new one - was without water for days because repairs took that long.

You both were right. He played the odds. You protected yourself and kids in case the odds played out 'wrong.'

There's clearly something more going on with him. Yes, water supply was quickly restored, but that was a guess. Neither of you had any way to know whether necessary repairs would take a few hours or a day or two.

I think heading out to stay with family was perfectly reasonable, even if ultimately unnecessary. Again, he was correct, but so what? Your absence cost him nothing, had no major effect on his day.

I suspect his anger stems from some deeper issues.

Good to see you. I hope life is good except for this.

Hi sisoon!! Overall, yes, things are pretty good. Hope you're doing well, too! :)

You both got what you wanted.

He didn’t get up and slept and the water was on next morning.

You did get to leave and had a working water system in the home you stayed overnight.

Not sure why he was mad.

Apologize for the text exchange. Best you can do.

Next time he angrily texts you - just don’t respond. He’s not a middle school kid and he shouldn’t act like one. And you know you shouldn’t respond to angry texts as it doesn’t help the situation.

I, personally, do not think that feelings are always valid because sometimes they are based on wrong information, personal experiences, or prejudices, etc.

My take on this situation comes from my own experience with water issues. We have lived in the country with wells for some time so if the power goes out, the well doesn't operate. When that happens there is some water in the system. For eg. there may be 2 toilet flushes available, we will get a limited amount of water from the taps before it's a no go. We generally have some water in the fridge, a couple of bottles, and we usually have a case of water around with varying amounts of bottles available at any given time. I've had to brush my teeth in the morning with a bottle of water, I've had to do a brief cold splash wash to get out the door. I may be home alone so not flushing the toilet until the power comes back on isn't the end of the world. If H is home, there are those couple of flushes available that we portion out wisely, sure you know what I mean. LOL IOW, the situation is do-able, in our experience, and not dire. It's inconvenient, but I'll make it to work with some improvising. We do not have family or friends nearby so that wouldn't be an option.

You had an option which is great, and obviously it's your choice whether to avail yourselves of that option. At the same time, I would have had the same opinion as your partner, that going elsewhere probably was not necessary. I tend to look on the bright side when the power goes out. H did buy a generator, and I was loathe to go start that thing up if I didn't have to. I always waited a couple of hours before doing so, and rarely had to do so as the power would come back on usually within those 2 hours I was waiting. (H apparently does not look on the bright side, and has now purchased a Generac that comes on automatically.)

I think your partner wanted to be seen as right. He didn't want your family to be the saviour here. He wanted to be believed, and for you to have faith in his opinion. You didn't have faith in his opinion, which is entirely your right. I don't think you necessarily needed to apologize for not believing his opinion, but I don't think that defending your leaving was the way to go either. I think the response to the angry texts the next morning should have just been "you were right, maybe I acted prematurely." JMO

At the end of the day, it could have gone the other way. You might have ended up right and he may have had to join you at your family's home.

Next time he angrily texts you - just don’t respond. He’s not a middle school kid and he shouldn’t act like one. And you know you shouldn’t respond to angry texts as it doesn’t help the situation.

Exactly! When someone gets angry, repeatedly sending multiple hurtful texts, then the only way to respond is to let it go, and not respond. Then don't take it personally because there's a whole lot more going on in this guy's head than whether or not you were there when he woke up the next morning; and that's out of your control. Any further attempts to paint this in a way that makes you defensive for the choice you made, should also be ignored... but you have to let it go, and not hold onto resentment for whatever's going on with him.

One of my favorite sayings is 'procrastination on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'. He held out for the possibility that the water would come back on and even if it didn't, he would not be inconvenienced. You, on the other hand, had lots of reasons to be really inconvenienced if it did NOT come back on, and you weren't willing to take the risk of waking up in the morning to no water, while you had to get everyone ready to get out the door. I wonder how things might have been different had it been his responsibility to make sure all preparations were taken care of to get going in the morning with the rest of the family, and you had been the one who chose to stay home that night, and scootch off alone in the early morning before everyone was up and responsibilities were screaming at him in the face.