SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has only been about three weeks since I found out my WW has never, or has been on and off, sexting since we got married nine years ago. She sexted before we met and while we dated, so plenty of guys have seen her body before. I was more upset by the stream of lies she fed me to hide things. While dating (before exlusive) she made a story up about travelling with her sister instead of going to meet an ex (questioned as it happened/just after, and a couple more times since). After the sexting came out with no room for stories and me overtrusting, my trust was shattered and preventing reconciliation. She ended up admitting she had slept with another guy twice (while visiting my family) three years ago (unfortunately I imagined nearly the exact thing happening, when she was gone far longer than usual to run an errand).

I love my wife and she wants to patch things up and move on (she said her brief affair was not enjoyable). The biggest obstacle we are facing is that I am triggered about little things, then my mind continues down a path until I cannot sleep, need to talk, or ask her about what happened so my brain stops imagining things.

Yesterday was a good day, until the kids were asleep. My wife teased me, but she was wearing the same panties that were in one of a handful of sexts that had been saved and I saw. We went to bed, but my brain slowly connected the dots - I had bought those panties for my wife on a date night. There were other photos 'taken for me, but she forgot to send' in my work shirt - one of which was her showing off her wedding ring. When I first came across those photos, I got the impression they were her teasing someone that she was taken (which she had told me is one of the things that made her enjoy sexting). She insisted they were for me. Last night my mind jumped from sexting in panties I bought her, to photos in my work shirt, to was every cute to sexy photo she took since our marriage sent to another guy?

In the middle of the night, I ended up shaking, heart beating fast, etc and needed help calming down. I woke her up for a hug (amazing how powerful they are, even from someone who has caused so much pain). Now she has spent all day in bed - tired with a headache; but she also has said barely a word to me today. Now I have relaxed about the sexting, but I am worried that she is now upset with me.

This is not the first time this or similar things have happened. Typically a relatively minor issue pops into my head, and slowly snowballs until I have trouble functioning/sleeping. Any suggestions how to talk myself down, so I do not need to make both of us tired the next day?

You are in the very early stages of trauma if your discovery day is only three weeks ago.

No way any of us had a chance to "move on" after a few weeks.

If you read here long enough, you’ll find some folks never get over it.

So, be kind to yourself — you’re very normal.

It is trauma.

Your fight or flight brain is on FULL alert, because you’re trying to figure out if the limited admissions you WS has made are actually the whole story.

It took my wife THREE years of actions and answers before I felt safe enough to WANT to stay.

R is a thing, but it really takes a lot of work and 3-5 years on AVERAGE to heal.

Drink lots of water, if you can meditate some - do that and nap when you can, and eat well.

It takes a while to recover, especially early on.

All that said, the person who caused the pain doesn’t get to tell you how to heal. And if she wants to "patch things up" — being patient with you is critical.

What you're going through is very normal. Oldwounds covered a lot of what I would say, so I won't repeat it, but I can tell you that I'm just over a year out from discovering my wife's affair and while things have calmed down and we're doing "better," I'm far from over it or "moved on."

That 3 to 5 years Oldwounds mentioned to heal? That's just the time it can take to recover from the shock and pain of betrayal trauma. True reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress, and that's when everything goes as smoothly as it can, and the wayward spouse is truly pulling out all of the stops to try and fix what they've broken.

I spent about the first month after my d day worrying about upsetting my wife or doing or saying the wrong thing and it dawned on me that she was in charge of our recovery. I was playing what we call the "pick me" game, and it wasn't getting me anywhere. It dawned on me that if she truly was willing to do whatever it takes then she was going to have to deal with my trauma. That meant me being able to freely express my pain and emotions whenever they hit, and if it was too much for her to handle then we just weren't going to make it. I don't want to ty and reconcile with someone who isn't as fully invested, if not moreso, than I am.

She wanted to stay in contact with her affair partner as "just friends." She expected me to just get over it and move on. Well, I couldn't. I stopped beating my head against the wall and started calling divorce lawyers right in front of her. That changed everything. She blocked him on everything, opened up all of her devices to me, put in for a work transfer, and rolled her sleeves up and started really working on fixing what she'd broken.

Now, I'm not saying you should start calling divorce lawyers in front of your wife just yet, but betrayal trauma is real trauma and getting over it is going to have to be on your schedule and your timeline. I'm just giving you an example of what taking your agency back can look like. I had no clue if she was going to snap out of it or not, but I was determined to get out of infidelity one way or another. If that meant divorce, then so be it. I'm not sharing my wife with anyone, and I'm not remaining in a relationship with secrets and disrespect.

Your wife is going to have to be very patient and willing to stand in the fire with you as you process and try to get your head around just what has happened here. I think a couple can recover from almost anything, but it has to be based on a solid foundation of truth, transparency, and mutual respect. I stopped walking on eggshells and concerning myself about upsetting my wife. SHE upset ME far more than any other human being has done in my life. It was her turn to start being concerned about upsetting me even further.

Fortunately(?) in my case she came around and snapped right out of it when I started making those phone calls, and that was my preferred outcome, but I was resigned if she didn't. There are worse things than divorce, and living with a remorseless, unrepentant cheating wife is one of them.

Friend, you're going to need time. Lots of time to recover from this, and your wife needs to understand that and be on board if she truly wants to fix this. I recommend she reads "How To Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's a short read. The audio version is just over 2 hours long, and my wife and I listened to it together. Another good book would be "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. It's a longer read, but touches on all the different types of affairs, including emotional, online, and texting/sexting types of affairs and points out that they're just as damaging as full on physical affairs.

I don't know your wife, but I get the feeling that she might think what she did wasn't a very big deal if it didn't (or you think it didn't) get physical. It's a big deal. You're not being unreasonable. This is painful stuff. For a lot of us it's the most painful thing a person can endure.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:08 PM, Wednesday, June 24th]

Can you clarify what’s going on here QE?

What I think happened is:

* before you were exclusive, she was sexting other guys and lied to you about meeting up with an ex
* you got married 9 years ago, she continued to sext…who exactly?
* 3 years ago she had an A. Three weeks ago, she has confessed to sleeping with him twice

I think you ought to be posting in JFO rather than Reconciliation. How do you know you have the whole truth? You almost certainly don’t. It’s quite a common for WSs to minimize what they did ("it was only twice") ("the sex was bad and I didn’t enjoy it") only to later disclose something far more extensive and deep.

What is she doing to prove she’s no longer sexting? She’s been doing it for more than a decade. She was likely addicted to it. Unlikely that she’s just stopped cold turkey.

I think both of you ought to be in IC. You should seek a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma.

If you’re having a lot of anxiety, you can talk to your doctor about getting anti-anxiety medication. You can also get sleeping pills. What you can’t get (but what so many have asked for!) is a Reconciliation Pill that makes it all go away.

I read a lot of content here and on other infidelity forums and found a couple of really positive reconciliation stories. What they all have in common is that the wayward was under some strong emotional distress while cheating. I didn't see positive stories, where WWs cheated for the fun of it, quite the opposite - they tend to repeat their behavior (or they are unlucky to be discovered) after months, 5, 10 or 20 years. Or they keep their commitment (allegedly), but are closed off sexually or in other ways. The conclusion is that not everyone is life long monogamous sexual partner material.

I'm not sure where your wife is emotionally, maybe she is lost, but your post doesn't show that.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 12:49 AM, Thursday, June 25th]

* before you were exclusive, she was sexting other guys and lied to you about meeting up with an ex
Correct.

* you got married 9 years ago, she continued to sext…who exactly?
Random guys. I think most were met based on our location, as there were guys from across the country where we had traveled. I am not aware that any of her ex's were being sexted, although the guy she met with while dating did message two months ago (now married) and the conversation I saw was polite. She says she felt trapped a little, getting married in her early 20s with kids; wanting more attention after two kids; and she enjoyed teasing guys with her body. She says it stopped awhile back (unclear how long ago) and recently it was just guys reacting to her story or sending memes - but with disappearing messages, no way to prove it.

* 3 years ago she had an A. Three weeks ago, she has confessed to sleeping with him twice
Correct. We had our biggest argument until now over money (me tracking our spending on vacation, her just wanting to spend whatever she felt like) and she ended up going out for 'coffee', getting picked up just out of the neighborhood, and taken to a hotel for sex.

I was going to post in JFO, but thought this may be a step in reconciliation.

I do not know I have the whole truth - I wish I did. My brain makes random, relatively minor connections, and then snowballs ideas - heading straight for the worst. My brain takes a minor concern and then snowballs it with 'what if's' until it is the worst it could be. We are a pretty tight family and, other than when I am at work, we are not often apart too often (or too long) - which is also part of what hurts. She has been doing much of this when I take the kids out to give her a break, or late at night.

We deleted her SnapChat account. She is primarily on Instagram for her social media addiction, and I have not seen any signs of sexting there. She allowed me to look through her phone and we deleted some accounts and contacts, although admittedly she is getting fed up with me always wanting to look at it when I think of something that concerns me (sometimes things I personally deleted).

Thank you for the counseling and book suggestions, and the other wisdom. Some I have considered (has she told me everything? Was it really only twice?)

Look at my comment above yours. You're in a trap. If you don't believe, read as much as you can and make your own conclusions.

I do not know I have the whole truth

gently, bother you know that you do not. By your own account, she has cheated with some unknown number of men for some unknown number of years. You don’t know who they are or what was said or done.

Her story of her A is troubling. If it’s true, her reaction to ordinary marital strife was to go out and have high-risk sex with a stranger. If it’s true.

It doesn’t sound like she has or is in therapy to at a minimum get better coping strategies.

You’re having panic attacks because she’s not a safe partner. She’s a serial cheater who has not come fully clean with you and is not fixing her issues.

It’s ok to want to R but at a minimum you need to know the full story. And she needs to be figuring out what’s wrong with her head.