SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have not been on this site for a long time and woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check in. I read some of the "Just found out" posts and this always stings. I thought that I would just post some updates and insights into how my journey has been unfolding.

Abusive relationships: I have learned, and I agree with this theory, that when someone is in an abusive relationship, they are probably actually in several abusive relationships at the same time. I found this to be true in my case. A few months after DD #2, I quit my job, and that was definitely an abusive relationship. I was also in an abusive relationship with my FOO and have only one surviving family member that I'm not really close with. And I don't pretend to have a relationship with that person anymore, at least to the degree that I used to. I have realistic expectations around all of my relationships, especially my relationship with myself. I was in individual counseling for about a year and a half and couples counseling for about 6 months. We should have done couple's counseling immediately instead of waiting a year and a half.

My WW, now pretty much a safe partner, runs a small business in a small town and I help her run it and do the things that she is unable to do. We spend a lot of time together, we are working on finishing a small off-grid cabin in a rural area that we spend time in on weekends during the warmer months. Although I miss the income from my old job, we cut back in certain areas and cook most of our own meals from scratch. We exercise together in a gym, but we usually get plenty of exercise taking care of lawns, gardens and dogs without having to go to the gym too often.

It's been very lonely. In the past out of desperation I shared details of my marriage and my WW's behaviors with people that were not safe. Some of them I am no longer in contact with. Two good friends, although spread in different parts of the country, know some of the details. They have been supportive of me. However, nobody in my community where I live knows any of the details. I try to be a tabula rasa so to speak. I feel the need to protect the brand being in a small town running a small business. But as I said, I did not anticipate feeling this lonely and disconnected from so much of my old world.

Inability to cry at convenient times. I often feel the need to have a good cry and when I have privacy and peace, I can't cry. Oddly, I could easily cry in a doctor's waiting room, during a work meeting, or on the line in the grocery store. I have to stifle crying at these inappropriate times and places and yet can't let it out when I have the space to do so. The betrayal and heartbreak will always feel fresh and stings like a motherF#@$er. It seems like this will be a constant companion I'll travel with the rest of my life.

My relationship with me. I've learned that I became broken as a child. An older sibling that was supposed to protect me psychologically abused me. My parents didn't believe me. My eldest sibling I was very close to but was lost to suicide over 30 years ago. When this sibling was around I felt joy. When my surviving sibling was / is around, I felt / feel dread. We are separated now by thousands of miles, a few more miles would not hurt either. But it is what it is. I've learned so much about myself and why it was so easy for me to get involved in relationships that were so one-sided / abusive. In early childhood I learned that there is nothing worse that being shunned or an outcast. And in order to belong to the tribe, I had to take my place and accept my role as the fool or jester. That's the role I played in my FOO, my circles of friends, with my girlfriends / spouse. In a twisted way I even adopted that role in my relationship with my now estranged adult child. I used to share too much, reveal too much, struggled desperately to make small talk, to be liked. These days I don't have a lot to say. I choose my words carefully. I refuse to engage in gossip. I'll engage in pleasantries with locals, but I won't really initiate it beyond cordial greetings. When a few people that were close to me, rather the "old" me, used manipulation tactics, I surprised them and unleashed a stream of candor they were not prepared to receive from me. Some I never heard from again, some accept the new relationship dynamics. Although I still probably engage in some people pleasing behaviors, I am very much aware of this and reel it in. Old habits are hard to break, but break they will.

As for my partner (I refrain from using the term wife, we are not there yet) I am committed to her well being. I restrain myself from being angry about her past behaviors when I feel that it is inappropriate. I make sure that her IRA account is fully funded every year. I manage her investments as if I were doing it for a client. Since I am older, my goal is to grow our wealth / her wealth so that she can be comfortable (not affluent) when I pass away. I originally planned to leave most of my money in a trust for my adult child. Now that I have been estranged (not my choice) that is no longer a priority. My partner's security is my priority.

I'm doing OK. It's not the life I expected and not the life I planned on having. I miss looking at my partner and feeling the love that I used to feel. I mean it's love but it's not LOVE, if you know what I mean. And I bet you do. Early on after DD#2, the lies and trickle truths drove me nuts. I have to accept that the truth is somewhere between what I have been told and the worst misgivings of my imagination.

Knowing what I know now about myself, her, and the world, I should have left after DD#1 back in 2009. I stayed because of the kid, the debt, the perceived security, fear of being alone and starting over again. I can't go back in time and have to make the best with the hand I hold currently.

I feel that people stay together out of fear of staring over again, or the kids, or finance, etc. I would counsel folks that those are not good reasons to yield your sovereignty in exchange for security. The kids get old and go on their own. The debts somehow find a way to get paid when you start doing the proper math. You can't get back the time and that is what's most precious. I'll continue to check in from time to time.

I joined the year before you did. Finding this place was such a relief.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this limbo. You made the best decisions you could under the circumstances, under extreme levels of the horrible stress called infidelity. None of us asked for this.

I may have made different decisions if there were children involved. None of us has that crystal ball.

The fear of being alone thing was a nasty toxic monster that took me a long time to wrestle into submission at age 55.

Fortunately that hard work paid off and I seem to have come out the other side with most of my sanity intact. I'm going to be working until 75 and unless there's a lottery win, will likely be a renter for the rest of my life, but fortunately I like my job and that's only another couple of years now.

Well into my 17th year flying solo and no desire to give that up for anyone.

Maybe there's a reason you woke up and decided to check in here.

It's never too late.

Onward.

FF

Thank you for your reply FF.

I go thru my Spotify play lists on occasion. I see the ones that I created after DD #2, mostly songs that I loved from my prior life that had meaning or were just awesome songs. Playing the playlists now, so many of the songs seem different than the way they appealed to be in my prior life. Seeing some of the lists brings me back to the chaos of the days and weeks after DD #2, which was in many ways worse than DD #1.

I have higher expectations from me, but universally lowered my expectations regarding everyone else in my world.

I aim to be charitable, generous, fair, forthcoming. I study people now with new eyes and ears. I'm able to tell when people are lying more easily, or maybe I just find that most people are liars and I am not?

I like to watch British crime / detective series on TV / streaming devices. I find myself being horrified by how prevalent infidelity is in mainstream culture on TV. Someone seems hinky and appears to be lying, are they the killer? Nope, they were hinky / lying to cover up having an affair. Seems like so in every damned episode in every show. I said to my therapist, am I the only one that hasn't cheated? Am I the odd one?

I wish you all peace.

Thanks for sharing. I very much appreciate your sharing your self-awareness

I read some significant wins (learning about yourself and all that includes, removing yourself from abuse) and a sense of loss. I also read you to say you're still in the process of building a new life to a greater extent than most of us are most of the time. Am I reading your post as you meant it?

I expect you know the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. You've gone a long way, but probably you'll go farther. I hope you keep us updated.

I remember your name, wondayatatime. I joined not too long before you did.

It seems like you've made some peace with your life and circumstances, but you're grieving the loss of what could've been. I'm getting divorced, and I'm much happier (no more need to have a good cry), but I carry that grief and sense of loss. I also think it will never fully go away.

I'm glad dday2 put you on a journey of self discovery and realization. We are all works in progress. Thanks for checking in.

Regarding your sense of loneliness, I will echo FaithFool that you still have time to find and make some true connections.

Knowing what I know now about myself, her, and the world, I should have left after DD#1 back in 2009. I stayed because of the kid, the debt, the perceived security, fear of being alone and starting over again. I can't go back in time and have to make the best with the hand I hold currently.

I feel that people stay together out of fear of staring over again, or the kids, or finance, etc. I would counsel folks that those are not good reasons to yield your sovereignty in exchange for security. The kids get old and go on their own. The debts somehow find a way to get paid when you start doing the proper math. You can't get back the time and that is what's most precious. I'll continue to check in from time to time.

I must say you hit the nail on the head with this one.

I truly hope people read this with the seriousness it deserves. From years of speaking to people on this topic, it seems clear to me that fear is the biggest driving factor when taking that path. Though sometimes you have to have a bit of back and forth to scratch beneath the gossamer thin veil of rationalisations. It's easy to say in retrospect but I don't think our highest aim should be to make the best of bad hand. We should aim higher than that.

I commend you for you introspection and hope you move forward in your journey to self-actualize.

I second dr here.

You must follow what your heart tells you.
Not the fear.

If you are stuck in because you put too much trust before the betrayal, don’t make it permanent just out fear.

Don’t rush if it damages you, but build your exit, your independence, set a goal to restart your life and abandon the evil behind.

You are going to do far better even for your kids if you find your direction again.
The person who betrayed you doesn’t deserve the rest of your life if you feel they are unbearable.

Build your exit.
When ready leave.
Never look back.

Live again.

Thank you all for your replies.

Each day I wake up I lay in bed and really ponder my situation. No need to rush to make coffee, shower, and get dressed for work. I commend myself for not falling apart during the many difficult storms I encountered along the way. I give thanks to the people that are no longer here, and the folks that told me some harsh truths and overcame their discomfort to tell me so.

I'll tell you what I hate about therapy, that a therapist can't just tear the veil, and say, "based on your personality and character, I would counsel you to bite the bullet and leave." Instead I did exercises where I imagined the life I would lead if I chose to leave. I did that here on this forum as well.

Despite the brutal self-talk that I unleash on myself on occasion still, it's much less frequent and less brutal than it used to be. Of course there were the decades where I would block out the self-talk with unhealthy distractions. The best point my therapist made to me is, "why do you constantly seek validation, counsel, and approval from others?" I'm staring to figure that out now. But by eliminating unfulfilling relationships with others, which I previously felt duty bound to maintain, I started to respect myself for now making better choices and setting boundaries. I no longer seek relationships that require more maintenance than I have the energy reserves for. I also take a hard look at some of the things I have said and done that disgust me. I tried ignoring my shadow and did a lot of rug sweeping myself. But I lacked models that would have taught me how to regulate myself more effectively. I just sigh and accept that I did the best that I could under the circumstances.

I put my partner in an unfair situation with unrealistic expectations. I thought she was, no... I actually demanded that she become the lush oasis with the fresh cool waters I lacked my entire life where I could drink to my fill. Little did I know that she was actually more broken than me. So the pain she caused became exponential and that's partly on me.

Sometimes I'll have a dream and I resist the urge to tell her all about it. I just ponder it, maybe write about it a little, but it's just for me now. I used to dream about getting some land and building a small cabin in the middle of nowhere. That's become a reality and it's wonderful. It surpassed my expectations. I travel pretty much whenever I want, within reason. I was able to tell my old boss "no thank you" when he reached out to see if I wanted to come back (after 2.5 years of freedom.) My sibling and marriage partner wanted to have a get together at one of the several beautiful houses they own to invite the extended family. I said "I'm busy with the cabin but if you want to meet in LA or Vegas let me know." I've been in the mountain west for almost 15 years now, not one visit. If folks want to see me, I'll give them my address or we can meet somewhere I'd actually like to be at in the first place. This is all new to me.

And sometimes I'll be out looking at the moon, or a rainbow, or a bird, or a beautiful sunset and I remember that in the past I would hurry to share it with my partner. Now I just enjoy it selfishly and imagine that God put it all here for my personal pleasure. She selfishly enjoyed so much without me, in fact the lengths that she went to exclude me from her personal pleasure are diabolical. So, I feel OK with what I do for myself now and my benign, selfish little indulgences.

I am living life on my terms now. I don't feel any urgent need to make any drastic changes. I have tomorrow or the next day to do that, so for today, I'll just be me right here and now.

The loneliness is tolerable. It's preferable to the dysfunctional relationships I found myself in perpetually in the past.

Lastly, I just want to thank you all for being here and creating this space. It's truly the only place I actually felt heard and nkow that so many of you know EXACLTY what I have gone thru and continue to go thru. It's frustrating trying to share with folks that just don't have a clue.