SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a very hard story to tell. It has only brought pain and despair in our world. I wish only I could take all of it back. Start over and be the person I should have all been along. But there is no such thing as a time machine. I struggle to share this, to accept the cruel and heartless things I have done. To start I have to go way back to when I first started dating my husband. It was within a year and a half into our relationship that I started talking to a man that lead to my first betrayal. I was seeing him for almost a year behind my then boyfriends back. We had some dates and shared some intimate moments together. I was engaged and planning a wedding. I had to stop what I was doing. I ended up doing the Unthinkable and had him come to our wedding despite my husband not wanting him there as he was always suspicious of him. I ended things with this first man and for 14 years it was my husband and I and our three beautiful children. I never told him after all these years until now. My second affair was a year in length. We would meet in mornings before work. I was also intimate with this man. One day my husband confided in me about his past that he never told anyone. I chose this moment to tell him about my first affair. While this was happening my current affair had texted me I messaged him back which was incredibly heartless. It was two days later I ended it with my current affair. And the day after that my husband found out about my current affair. I admit I struggled to tell of him as it was so fresh. But I realize now that even though my first affair was 14 years earlier all of it was fresh to him. I again did something terrible during my confession of my second affair. I had called someone who i thought was a friend for help as i was having a panic attack i told her I told him of my current affair. My husband had driven off when I told him. I was in shear panic. He then came back. I made a terrible decision and kept her on the phone. She heard the yelling our fighting after I just shattered his world. She called my parents then to come get me, involved my sister in law and had my dad come get me and the children. The cops were also called. It was a day of hell for my husband. I should never involved anyone but keep it between my husband and I. Especially not the children. I ended going to the hospital as I couldn't calm down. The next few days were a blur. Both of us in terrible shape. It has been 6 and a half months and it has been a roller coaster. Some days are ok. Most are a struggle. I am in therapy. And take anxiety medication. Every week I work on trying to become a better human being. He suffers daily and I feel completely helpless. We have tried doing week to week with the kids, now we are sleeping in separate rooms. We are working on reconciliation. I know its going to be a long road. We have deep conversations almost daily which helps. Despite us reconciling he still wants to get divorced and start over as the last 15 years are all destroyed for him.

Welcome, Hopeless42. It take a lot of courage to come here and seek help, so kudos to you for taking that first step.

You have not put up a stop sign, so that means people who have been betrayed like your husband (your BH) will post here. You’ll need a tough skin for some of the things you’re likely to be told. But there will also be wisdom in it, so please do be scared off.

There are also former waywards who post here, who are unmistakably quite intelligent and deep, so you should pay close attention to what they say.

If you haven’t, you should read in the healing library.

Start with this one: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/

You can’t change the past but there are things you can do now to make the present and future better. You need to fully disclose EVERYTHING. No more lies! Be honest and transparent with him. I assume your second A is well and truly over? Have you written a no-contact letter?

Be supportive of his healing. If he wants to D first and then try to rebuild anew, then I hope you are on that program.

Also be honest with yourself. The way you tell the story of what happened on DDay, I’m not sure about it. It looks an awful lot like you were deliberately making him out to be the bad guy in the eyes of others. It wasn’t just a bad decision, Hopeless, it was a mean-spirited one. All cheating is selfish, but some of the things you did go so far beyond selfish that I wonder if there’s something more going on. You’ve done breathtakingly cruel things to him. You will have to swim deep in the waters of your soul to find the monsters lurking there.

I am glad you’re getting help with that.

Finally, does your BH know you’re posting here?

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 4:03 PM, Monday, April 27th]

Hopeless42,

I'd like to recommend two books that helped me to understand how I allowed my self to have affairs, one physical and one emotional. They also helped me to understand my husband's reaction to my horrible choices.

Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald.

I can empathize with your feelings. You've come to the right place.

If you want your husband or anyone else to take you seriously then you’re going to have to drop that victim mentality you have going on there. Most of us here are married to cheaters, we all have a bullshitdetector and have heard the ‘I made a bad decision, mistake, I panicked etc etc blah blah blah’, garbage.

Your husband has been put through too much already by you, do the right thing and face yourself, drop your ego and the self protection, tell him the truth about you, the whole truth including the ugly. Only then you might be offered a chance.

Keep going to therapy.

Hi Hopeless,

Thank you for coming on here. If I can advise with anything:

Write your BH a timeline of both affairs, that includes all events you can recall. Keep in mind that your inviting your first AP to your wedding, is an event in your first affair. You betrayed your BH there as well. Put down not only the events themselves, but also your feelings concerning them and how you justified yourself to go through with them. Start from the very beginning of each affair i.e., your first interactions with each AP even if seeming platonic.

Write this on a medium where you can edit and insert new insights as they come to you. Be as thorough as you can be, but get to it immediately.

Basically you need to get to the bottom of your WHYs for cheating. The timeline will help you in that regard too. You'll have to do longer-term digging w a therapist, but a timeline delivered to your BH much sooner in the time being will help him.

Here is the thing. First of all, your BH's world is not only destroyed from the fact that his wife was physically with another man i.e., you CHOSE another man over your husband, but also the lying to him. And...he has no idea how you could even allow yourself to do these things to him--i.e., put 2 other men first before your husband. There is just as much how you lied to him as well. Basically right now he has no idea which way is up.

Last but not least, your husband has to wonder why you are running around like a scalded cat now to save your marriage...if you want the marriage so much, then wouldn't it have been easier to just not cheat in the first place?

You also owe your children an apology as well as you blew up their worlds too.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:59 PM, Monday, April 27th]

One more thing for now:

In writing out your timeline, you also need to get this, for EVERYONE in your life's sake:

You have to fully own your entire set of decisions to embark on both affairs. You didn't simply make "mistakes". The phrasing 'It lead to...', in the context of the beginning of any one of your affairs, is also incorrect wording on your part. In each affair you were the one who DECIDED AT EACH STEP OF THE WAY, to proceed with the betrayal of your husband. It wasn't 'events leading to other events', or an honest mistake on your part, it was an entire series of intentional decisions that you made. You need to get this point deeply. That also needs to be reflected in how you write and talk about your affair, as you write your timeline.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:58 AM, Tuesday, April 28th]

Hopeless, if you want to change your life, there is a tremendous amount of work to do. Playing with people is the opposite of doing things in good faith. I'm not a therapist, but I can think of a lot of questions that need to be answered. Who am I? What do I want? Do I have any goals? If yes, what are they? Why do I have them? Your whole existence over a long period of time is inconsistent. Was it just going with the flow plus opportunism? Are you sure that the life that you are living makes sense to you? Will it in the future?

Hopeless:

If you put a stop sign you will get responses only from other waywards. In my early days I struggled with some of the very blunt feedback to my posts, but totally get if you find those responses helpful.

I read your post differently than some of the responses and guessing that is because I can identify with how you currently feel / are thinking. I am about eight months post DDay. My disclosure was for an affair almost twenty years ago, but similar to your husband this feels very fresh to my wife.

I did extensive research and started therapy before disclosing so thought I understood how difficult reconciling would be (if my wife was willing to offer me that gift). That said, the reality is I totally underestimated how hard this process is for both of us. I have many days feeling similar to your feelings of hopelessness and that is with my wife being all in on trying.

I will say therapy has been a big part of our journey. We are both in IC and have been doing that for a few months before DDay. Lots of that time has been spent exploring why I made the terrible choices I did. That has been fundamental in helping both my wife and me. Not sure if you are doing work to understand yourself better, but I decided even before disclosing I needed to do that regardless of whether my wife was willing to try and and reconcile. Would highly encourage you to do that.

Just want to say I hear you and understand how difficult this time is for you. Keep posting and others with much more wisdom will respond.

Hello hopeless,

As feeling very low said, if you put a stop sign we (betrayed partners) can’t respond to your posts.
While the feedback you receive is helpful if you’re in a path to healing and want to find reconciliation with your BS (betrayed spouse), it’s understandable if you are not in the emotional state to read it the right way just yet.

I think to get the other side perspective is important, because understanding is critical, but you need to be centered first , pain is sabotaging empathy and no matter who caused it first, you still feel it.

And with no empathy I don’t think reconciliation is possible.

First things first the golden rule is this:

The WS heals the WS
The BS heals the BS

You both hurt in different ways but it is deep pain.

There is where you need to start, heal yourself , it seems selfish now as it means putting yourself first but it’s the best thing to do. Your bs should do the same.

I am going to tell you something you might not like to hear but it is necessary to know if you want to get on the right path to a real reconciliation, if that is possible.

You are not able to reconcile just yet, it is a wish but is also an illusion that will lead to trauma bond, rug sweeping and in time, even years you will be back to square one, like now. Either you will relapse in infidelity or your bs will wake up and be suddenly done.

Because the relationship is dead, infidelity and betrayal kills it, what you have is only an echo and regret for what is lost, but no Time Machine means you can’t resurrect it.

You can only build something completely new over its ashes, and to do that you both must heal first.

R is the last step, not the first, we would like it to be immediate because our minds feel is we do, is like infidelity never happened, but is not how it works.

So before that you need to know what caused your patterns, what character flaws like low self worth, people pleasing, perfectionism or else, brought you to both betray your partner and betray yourself in doing what you chose to do.

Your partner is in complete chaos, and you cannot help him now, the best you can do is to be present and hear, but it will be hard and painful so you need some fortitude.

I can tell you this to keep in mind: no matter how old or hidden or unspoken an affair is, your partner will always sense it even if they don’t voice it or push the feeling back because they love you and trusted you, but when it comes out is like it happened a minute ago. Even after decades, it doesn’t matter, emotions, feelings and attachment have no time frame.

There is a great article in general called keeping secrets, reading it might help you understand better.

Good luck and keep posting, you’ll find help and advice

The only thing that "lead" you to having an affair was your choices. Now it is up to you to LEAD YOURSELF back to your husband as a loving, committed wife that makes better choices moving forward. That means choices that are oriented around protecting your marriage and your family. Every time some loser hits on you, or any big life decision comes your way, you need to think of your husband and family first and foremost. You are all ONE unit now. The children do not deserve to grow up in a broken home. It is up to you to manage the marriage for now and allow space for your husband to heal. Please do not place any of the burden on him to clean up this mess. That is like stabbing someone in the heart and then twisting the knife. This man chose you every single day over every other woman and you completely took that for granted. The more you avoid and push boundaries, the more you take him for granted. You need to do some serious work to win him back and on HIS terms. That means boundaries are non-negotiable. Whatever resentment you have towards him for the problems in the relationship, you need to let it go and wipe the slate clean. FORGIVE HIM. He is going to be flooded with lots of emotions and anger, you will have to suck it up and let it go. Resentment will continue to destroy whatever is left of the marriage and your family. Just sitting with him through the pain and showing humility will show you can be safe for him and make a world of difference. Being prideful, defensive, minimizing, avoidant, will only make things a lot worse.

Everyday you should be working on yourself, working on your marriage and doing as much as you can to make him feel loved and appreciated. Nothing that is necessary comes before this. No one is perfect, and you are probably going to make mistakes, but it is up to you to keep yourself accountable, grow from those mistakes and constantly check in with your husband to make sure you are doing enough. Communication is vital in this. You say you guys are having lots of conversations and thats good, keep doing that. He should be able to talk about the infidelity for as long as it takes. You are going to lose your freedom, and yes you are going to have to sacrifice your needs for now, and yes this may seem overwhelming. But if you truly love him, you will do whatever it takes to save this marriage and change into the wife you vowed to be for him because that is what love is. It is a decision everyday to be 100% in, no one foot out the door bs. Read and watch videos on how to be an ideal wife. The more work you do towards repair and the more you show your remorse, the more he will start to come around. There's been lots of times where I've told my WP I wanted to leave, Im done, youre the worst thing thats ever happened to me, this is over. And everyday and the next she is still there doing anything to try and repair this.

Being stuck in a pit of shame and hopelessness will only stall the reconciliation. At some point you have to accept the fact that you are an incredibly flawed person that is willing to destroy people's lives for cheap, meaningless validation and dopamine highs. You need to accept it, figure out why you're like this, take steps to prevent it and move on from it so you can be emotionally available for your husband. That doesn't mean you act like it never happened, but you cant let it keep you in the "Im not good enough" mentality. No one is perfect, you are not perfect, but someone who doesn't even try is a lot further away from being perfect than someone who does. That means you need to accept that this may not even work out but you are willing to give 100% anyway. Think of your children. Think of what your lives could be.

Last thing I will say. The good days will seem far and in between. But the more work on repair you do, the quicker they will come. When they do come, enjoy them together. Take a break from all this mess and try to do something fun together. I really hope the best for your family and will keep you in my prayers.

Just know that the trauma from infidelity is real trauma. I've seen it said by many, some counselors included, that the pain from that type of betrayal is worse than the death of a loved one. Topped only by the loss of a child. PTSD symptoms are common, and in general it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from it. True reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. Things are never going to be the same.

When someone dies, there are funerals. People come together and console each other. They share experiences of their loved one and there's a huge support system of friends and family who come together and share in that grief. There's no such thing in cases of infidelity betrayal. The betrayed is often left to their own devices to suffer alone and it's pretty isolating and terrible. I'm only telling you this because so many people underestimate the devastation it causes. I know I did until it was thrust into my lap.

I'm pretty sure your husband has a thread here in another section of this forum and you have what I consider to be some very aggravating circumstances. You guys have a lot of work to do, you especially, if you're going to be able to work through this. You can move forward, but it's going to take a lot of work and a long time.

You had 2 books recommended that I second reading. Start with "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." It's a fairly short read. The audio version is a little over 2 hours long, and it might not be a bad idea for you and your husband to listen to it together. The author does a very good job of explaining the pain and trauma of going through initial discovery and the resulting fallout. It really opened my wife's eyes.

It is clear from your story that you are grappling with the immense weight of your choices and the collateral damage they have caused. While the pain and panic you are feeling are real, it is important to center your husband’s experience as you navigate this. One of the most vital tools for your own growth right now is to practice a dedicated form of empathy through radical perspective-shifting.

To better understand the depth of his trauma, I encourage you to use this as a focus for your meditation: Imagine, in vivid detail, that the roles were reversed. Imagine discovering that during your wedding—a day you cherished as a beginning—your husband had brought a woman he was actively seeing behind your back. Imagine learning that while you were raising your three children, he was maintaining a separate, intimate life with someone else, only confessing it when it suited his own emotional needs. Sit with the feelings of displacement, the questioning of every memory from the last fifteen years, and the physical sense of betrayal. Ask yourself honestly: How would you feel? What would you do? Using this mental exercise as a regular practice can help move you from a place of "helpless" guilt into a place of genuine, informed empathy for the man whose world has just been rewritten.

Regarding the future of your marriage, your husband’s desire to divorce despite attempting reconciliation is a reflection of how destroyed he feels. If he decides that he needs to end this marriage to find peace or to "start over" without the shadow of these betrayals, the most profound way you can show him love is to respect that decision. Facilitating a smooth, low-conflict transition is an act of true accountability. It demonstrates that you are finally prioritizing his well-being and his need for a clean slate over your own desire for comfort or stability.

Finally, as you continue your therapy and work on your character, it is worth asking yourself a very difficult question: What can you offer him now that provides more value than the peace he might find with a partner who has a clean track record? (a key question, I've yet to hear many answer) Because there is a history of habitual betrayal, rebuilding will require more than just stopping the behavior; it requires a complete transformation of your integrity. If you truly want to save what is left, you must prove that you are capable of a level of honesty and selflessness that has been missing for the last fifteen years. If you find you cannot offer that consistently, then letting him go gracefully may be the most compassionate thing you can do for him.

Since you are both in the early months of this process, do you feel you have the emotional stamina to support his healing even if it ultimately results in him choosing to leave?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:12 AM, Thursday, April 30th]

I should say one more thing: You should grant your BH a divorce, and on favourable terms.

I think you need to fully grasp the damage that your decisions have caused your family. Everything the past 15 years in regards to his marriage and his wife is tainted, including the wedding day itself. He still does not know what is up in regards to you as his wife for all this time. If you do decide to get remarried this time the wedding ceremony can mean something positive.

What DRSOOLERS said just above.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:14 PM, Wednesday, April 29th]