SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got a call from my son (from my first marriage) that floored me. He got caught in an EA. He assured me they never met in person. He’s obviously miserable and I think apart from getting caught the last thing he wanted was to tell me because we’re so close. He and his wife had a baby about a year ago and I’m pretty sure from what he said she’s done and I’m sure if they do D she’ll fight for sole custody.

I told my W about it after he and I spoke. She immediately took his wife’s side and kind acted like he’s dead to her. She texted his wife today and told her she and the baby could come live with us, which I don’t see happening as she has a sister who lives far closer. I’m just really having trouble wrapping my head around her seeming to be so ready to disown my son when everything she did to me is an order of magnitude worse. I totally understand how wrong what he did was, but for her to act like she’s got clean hands in this arena I don’t understand.

Perhaps a conversation praising her ability to see right and wrong here but also reminding her of grace and empathy, which she received, should also be applied to your son. What do you think?

Maybe she’s trying to show you how disgusted she now is by infidelity?

Sounds pretty reasonable. I really need to talk to her and find out where her head’s really at

Hey there old friend. Sorry to read about this mess. It speaks volumes that your son trusts and respects you enough to share this with you. I'd imagine your ready to swing a massive 2x4 his way. If you do, try to remember that they don't always have to be blatant (think Tushnusre style ).

I'm sure talking this out with your wife will be a very interesting conversation.

And perhaps reaching out to your DIL would be a good idea, even if only to let her know that you're available if she needs anything. Maybe even send her here.

Best of luck to you whatever you choose to do.

Overcompensation is plausible.

IT is healthy if your wife feels genuine repulsion for Infidelity of any kind.
It means she healed a good part of her.

Although the ferocity of her reaction underlines some still unresolved issue, because is again reactive not responsive.

You Daughter in Law is passing through what you have, so like usual your Son does not deserve a second chance, but she may love him enough to give him if he puts in the work.

The fact that your son is capable of infidelity is possibly inherited by his mother, kids tend to repeat what their parents did.
So maybe a little grace, and maybe that's something to hint her that her reaction is so harsh because she "knows" she modelled this behavior into her son by being a cheater.

Is a hard test, another checkpoint. I do not know how or if your wife is a reformed Wayward, but this is a chance to reflect on herself again and to help your son truly seek help. You as parents have both been there, you may help your son and daughter in law through this painful trial better than most people can.

I’m pretty sure from what he said she’s done and I’m sure if they do D she’ll fight for sole custody.

Maybe she’s spooked by this and she’s looking to fortify the bridge to her grandchild. 50/50 custody is largely the standard nowadays, is there some reason to doubt your son would get it?

When you start talking about EAs you have a huge problem with how little, how long, how much. Was this months long? Was there sexting? Were there promises made to the AP? Did he tell the AP that he loved her and wanted to be with her? If your daughter-in-law has access to all this, then it’s understandable that she wants to move on. What people don’t realize is the emotional component of an affair is terrible to the BS. It means the WS has made plans outside the marriage. I have sympathy for you, the father, but your son did some harm to his family.

I think bringing that young woman and the baby into your home is going to be a big royal mess. You need to get a little bit of a backbone here and have your own opinion count. If you want them there, it’s one thing if you don’t, it’s another. That young man is your son and you do not want to alienate him.

I'm really sorry to read this, WTH.

People eff up, and everybody is somebody's child. It's said that blood is thicker than water, but that doesn't cover the sitch, IMO. A decent parent loves their kid, no matter what. Everything is right in helping your son heal, at least IMO.

I really hope you get to enjoy grand-parenthood.

What is your WW's relationship like with your son? Did they have a strained relationship in the past? Did he find out about her affair and was hard on her?

Because what you described-- her saying your son is "dead to her" and inviting his STBX to live with you--does not seem like compassion toward his BW; it sounds like your WW is resentful of him and using this moment as an opportunity to act out against him.

And this is your son, not hers. Who the hell does she think she is? She doesn't get to unilaterally cut him out of her life (and by extension yours) nor is it her place to offer your home as a place for his wife to stay without your knowledge and consent.

It's one thing to say that your son was wrong, offer comfort to his BW, and rebuke him for his actions... it's quite another thing to be a spiteful hypocrite.

You need to call your wife out for her behavior. You can offer your son correction and support without condoning his actions. Don't let your wife try to drive a wedge between you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:55 PM, Sunday, March 15th]

WTH

All I can do is share how I IMAGINE I would handle a comparable situation.

First of all – I would make my disappointment very clear to my son. My kids joke about how I never get really angry and how they would have preferred that to how I get disappointed if they do something wrong. But… I would make it very clear to him that what he did with the EA was totally wrong, totally avoidable and he has NOTHING – NADA – ZILCH to explain, justify or in any way minimize the damage done.
I can imagine what he might say… Might talk about how there is not time for him after the baby came, no time for fun, no time for romance… yadayadayada.
Shut it off right away. This is life, this is what you signed up for when you married, when you decided (or accepted, or did not prevent it happening) to have kids…

I would then make it clear to him that you aren’t going to judge him on what he did, but more on how he handles it. If his wife wants out – then how he responds to that. What he does to save his family. What he does to make amends.

I would also make it very clear to him that falling on his own sword isn’t an option. Signing off all the marital assets and moving into his old bedroom is not an option.

Then I would ask him if he would be willing to sit down with me and his wife and have a talk about the possible next steps.

If he agrees… I would ask your DIL if she too would be willing to sit down with you.

Either both, or her first individually… but definitely so she hears it. Tell them that for NOW you are going to talk. They can get their words in later.
I would start by making my view on the son’s decision to have an affair very clear. Really lay into him once again. Share your past (briefly) and how you view infidelity.

I would mention that divorce is a very possible and likely outcome. If both are not willing to work HARD at fixing things, or one or both don’t want to be married then divorce is the only logical outcome.
I would then make divorce very clear: SHE doesn’t get to decide that she’s going to be a single mom and he get’s not custody. She won’t get the house, the cars, the child-support, the spousal-support… By default the law (generally) states that kids have a right to access both parents, and this divorce would start with a 50/50 custody schedule. Not been married long enough for spousal support to be high. Not many assets in the marriage, debt divided equally… Although none of these are great reasons to remain married they can be compelling reasons to try to remain married.
I would emphasize that this isn’t a situation that I want, but rather the reality of their situation.

I would suggest that at the very least they arrange some grace-period where they try to avoid the most harsh response to your son’s STUPID actions.

I would ask her what he would need to do to make her want to try.
I would ask if here was anything you or your wife could do to help. Take care of baby while they talk, let son sleep there to give her time…

I would suggest a couple of things:
I would suggest son works hard on realizing why he needed this external validation.
I would suggest they both read Not Just Friends by the late Dr Shirley Glass.

If I had the funds, I would offer to pay for some MC, but I would suggest they don’t go for maybe a couple of weeks.

Regardless of what your wife is thinking, her actions are surprising and inappropriate in my view. Maybe it's that I don't have much experience with blended families, but it bothers me that your wife is making unilateral decisions about your son and his wife and child without discussing it with you instead of giving you support and room to deal with this.

I'm not sure I feel as strongly as BluerThanBlue, but I certainly feel something within this range.

And this is your son, not hers. Who the hell does she think she is? She doesn't get to unilaterally cut him out of her life (and by extension yours) nor is it her place to offer your home as a place for his wife to stay without your knowledge and consent.

Also, it does say something that your son phoned you alone, not a group call with you and your wife. Your son thinks it should primarily be an issue for him and you. I hope your talks with your wife are productive.

I think the questions posed by trdd would be the place I would start with her.
It is concerning that she unilaterally says he’s dead to her. I think there’s previous animosity going on there.