SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sinking. I just asked my husband to leave.

Prior to Christmas, we had scheduled a time with our marriage counselor for a Full Disclosure in the therapists office for Jan 20. I know there were more lies and he had promised to finally fully disclose it all to me. On NYE he told me more, but we were both intoxicated & even then, it was not the full truth. Each time it’s only partial truths, but later I eventually get the "full story". In the beginning, he blurted out that he had 5 escorts, but immediately after he said it, he retracted his statement and sugar coated it with half-truths (ie, saying he did meet with escorts for sex, but only had a massage and hand job). I have been begging him to please tell me all of the brutal truths so that I can try to get out of this vicious crisis trauma cycle I am stuck in. I can’t move forward because of all the lies and trickle truths and have begged him since the beginning to please just tell me all of it so I can work through it and stop being tortured over & over again – to try to move forward. Each lie he tells is always followed by "This is the truth…I swear !" But…it never is.

About an hour ago, he confessed in what I believe to finally be Full Disclosure and was eager to get it all off of his chest. I tried to brace myself with asking some general details earlier (did he have a long term affair ?, did he have more than 10 women? Did he have women in my bed ? In our house ?) and had already told him that I’d need to have him out of the house for a while after the Full Disclosure event & we already had a plan in motion. I was asking him general questions so I could brace myself in attempts at easing any big bombs coming my way. I knew there was more women he had sex with and I suspected it was 5 and after he finally admitted it, we just decided to do the Full Disclosure it in that moment. I had just showered and had only a towel on, still soaking wet. I listened quietly as he laid it all out on the line. It was gut wrenching.

He admitted to having sexual intercourse with 5 escorts over the last year and seeing many more during that time without sexual penetration (private strip shows, naked massages, masturbation). He had sex with 2 or 3 here in my home area, and 3 others in Dallas, Boston, Colorado during his travels. He started seeing them in January of 2022. I lost all my composure & sat huddled in a ball on the bed and fell into a fetal position, unable to even speak or breathe. And I sobbed. I told myself it was a nightmare that I would wake from. Repeating ‘NO’ over and over again as I fell into this catatonic type state. Up to this point, I had only believed he had ONE person he had slept with twice in Dallas (his pre-arranged sugar baby) and I had obsessed over her repeatedly with every single detail. And now…there are 5 and more. How am I supposed to digest this?

He stayed with me and tried to hug me. Tried to hold me. Gently apologized over and over again. Tried to wipe away my tears and help wipe my nose. Tried to hold me & comfort me. But it was so overwhelming no matter how I tried to prepare myself in advance.

What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ? I’m so broken. So utterly lost. So defeated. Completely numb. Its D-Day all over again. Its like I never even left that horrible day.

I have been doing everything I can to listen to every single podcast, reading books, seeing therapists and Ive been doing this all alone. Taking care of myself, pushing forward even when I want to die. Any friends I tell simply just cannot absorb it and they never bring it up again. They never ask how I’m doing. Not even my sisters who say they love me and care about me.

I am sick of this ruling every aspect of my life for the past 4 months. He has been staying at his brothers house since NYD and its been so good to have him out of my life so I can have a break from this chaos. I was beginning to feel a little of my strength come back. And now this.

Oh honey I'm so sorry. And yes you are exactly right - this is absolutely another dday.

What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ? I’m so broken. So utterly lost. So defeated. Completely numb. Its D-Day all over again. Its like I never even left that horrible day.

What you do with this is just sit with it. You'll be all over the map in terms of processing - and that's okay. Don't pressure yourself into feeling a 'way'. However you're feeling with it right then is normal.

How do you go forward? One little teeny step at a time. Some days it might feel like you're making no progress, but you will be.

How do you heal? You just do. One breath at a time. Early on in my process I felt like I would never recover from this. I felt like I would feel this way forever. But I did and I don't. It will always be there - infidelity leaves one hell of a scar, but it WILL heal.

I am glad for your sake that you're separated for the moment. That give you some much needed space to just be with yourself. Take this time to get yourself into therapy if you aren't already. Plan dinner with friends, pick up a new hobby, read that book you've been meaning to ready for the last 6 years. Keep your mind and spirit occupied with things that feed your soul. One just cus it helps not to have too much time to think, and two because it let's your psyche know that there's so much life and richness outside of this huge event.

I know it feels impossible right now (did for me too), but you will overcome this I promise you. And however things shake out, you are going to be okay.

I am so sorry. I can feel your pain through the screen. I became a big fan of keening during my WH multiple DDays.

What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ?

In my experience (notice the "multiple DDays" bit above) the best way to move forward and live with this is to do it without your WH. Take care of yourself physically (eat, drink water, avoid alcohol, exercise, etc.) and mentally/spiritually, but see a lawyer ASAP and get moving with D. Your WH has so many problems, and none of them are yours to fix. I don't like to gamble because I like my $, but I would bet $1000 with absolute certainty that if you stay, you will have more DDays. And with each DDay, your self-respect decreases and your bitterness increases - or, alternatively, you stop thinking of your WH as an integral part of your life and treat him as such. I realized I was going down the first path, and didn't want to, so now I just view my WH as a friend with benefits. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be about as sad as I'd be if one of my "couple times a year hang-out" friends died. But I'd also feel slightly relieved.

Reconciling is hard. And even most on this site that are pro-reconciliation have come back to deal with another DDay. Do you want to be in this same place 6 months, 2 years, a decade from now?

If aliens abduct him and reverse his brain, you can stop the D proceedings, or re-engage after D.

[This message edited by Trapped74 at 12:00 AM, Friday, January 6th]

You felt better for the few days he was gone. So there's part of your answer. He needs to move out, and you file for divorce. This is too much. The amount of women..bringing them into your home(something most cheaters wouldn't never do)..it's too much. He's a cancer..cut him out.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:20 AM, Friday, January 6th]

HeBrokeMe, I am so sorry you are in this situation; the sheer sense of total despair is one that many here know well. For me it isn't the acts themselves that cause the most anger, it is the litany of gaslighting and lies that these parasites feed you to keep their clandestine second lives in the shadows that hurts the most.

Noting this is multiple D-Days, you're dealing with an unapologetic serial cheater. Like my exWW, no matter how much they know they've hurt you; they'll do it again. And again.

For now, you don't have to make any sudden decisions. Feel the anger, feel the hurt, and tell yourself this WILL get better.

Any friends I tell simply just cannot absorb it and they never bring it up again. They never ask how I’m doing.

I'm sure that they probably all LOVE you and want you to leave him. It's so hard to see when you're in it but you do not deserve this. My D-Day #1 was in 2017...I stayed until 2019 there were about 40 Dday's in between there. We just R in 2022. We were doing what I considered to be great. Guess what? Dec 18 caught him again. Same woman but there have been this one and several others throughout the years. This time I caught him in the act. You know what I wish. I wish I left the first time it happened in 2017. Don't be me.

Face the pain. Face that he is too broken of a person for you to fix. Lawyer up and shove it right up his you know where!

I remember being curled up on the kitchen floor, Just brutal.

Take all the time you need. The anger will come soon- it helps you move forward.
We so often say that the A is horrible but trickle truth is what kills the M. This is why.

But I promise that you WILL get though this.

* Drop MC — get IC for you. You need the support.
* Tell your friends what you need.
* Talk to a lawyer — he really really is not R material today, and possibly not ever.
* Take care of you — eat healthy, avoid alcohol, drink lots of water, exercise, get sleep. See your dr if you are having issues with these.

You asked him to leave — you are strong and you are a badass. And you will get through this.
Keep posting, and hang in there.

What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ? I’m so broken. So utterly lost. So defeated. Completely numb. Its D-Day all over again. Its like I never even left that horrible day.

No words can express the horror and misery of trickle truth and multiple DDays. I am so sorry that you are here. I does get better, but it takes the time it takes to move forward and to process. As others have suggested, sit still and try to focus on yourself. You do not have to decide about the marriage right now. Make sure you have had STD testing and make sure your finances are ok. He has paid for escorts and obviously cannot be honest about how many and how much money he has spent. Make sure you protect yourself financially. Try to eat and stay hydrated. See your doctor if you cannot sleep or function. If you feel that you do not have support and keep posting here. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I cannot emphasize enough how much therapy can help you. Infidelity is a real trauma.

Marriage counseling will not help right now. It is not the marriage that is the problem. Your husband is. Know that this has nothing to do with you. Your husband has some serious issues for which he will need long term and consistent help. He made choices that affected you without consulting you. Your feelings were not considered. This is all about him.

Cheaters lie. That is the default. Gently, people do not hire escorts for massages or strip shows. It took my husband a year of therapy on a weekly basis plus additional resources before he could change that default. Watch your husband's actions for change. Do not listen to meaningless blather about how sorry he is and what he is going to do. HE must be the one who finds the help that he needs. You can only control your own actions. It is a good start that you have asked him to leave. It allows you some time to evaluate your needs and feelings without his interference and to watch to see if he is willing to get the help he needs to have the privilege of being with you, IF you choose this course.

See a lawyer. Knowledge is power. They can give you concrete suggestions which you may be too overwhelmed to think about. Follow the advice to protect yourself. You do not have to go through with a divorce, but filing sends the message that you are not playing.

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater. It is very difficult for them to change. You have the time and distance to decide about staying with someone who has issues that will most likely take years to fix, if his issues can be fixed. If his behavior is compulsive, there are additional supports he will need to engage in consistently and for life.

You CAN live with this, but you will always remember it. It does not go away. It changes us all at a fundamental level. You CAN learn to be stronger and more confident in yourself. You can grow from it. That is a true gift, if you are willing to work at it.

He stayed with me and tried to hug me. Tried to hold me. Gently apologized over and over again. Tried to wipe away my tears and help wipe my nose. Tried to hold me & comfort me.

It takes some very selfish nerve to destroy someone and then be delusional enough to believe that this is comforting and not insulting.He was obviously not gentle or considerate enough of your feelings when he was hiring escorts. GRRRRRRR. Cheaters suck.

How are you doing? That was a pretty big information dump and it would be hard to digest for anyone.

((hugs))

What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ? I’m so broken. So utterly lost. So defeated. Completely numb. Its D-Day all over again. Its like I never even left that horrible day.

You'll go forward by getting rid of him. Your brain will process it when it quits getting hit with mind-blowing information that no decent person should ever have to deal with. A lot of that processing happens while we sleep so it's important that you do everything you can to take care of yourself and get enough sleep and nutrition.

But what I wanted to suggest is a playlist that you just sing to in the shower or while you're fixing dinner, etc. Choose whatever you like but for some reason, the song Hallelujah became my saving grace. I created a play list of it by 10 or so artists, although my favorite versions are by Leonard Cohen and K.D. Laing. It's not even about the words for me, there's just something about that son that grips my soul and holds me steadfast. I hope you can find something like it.

I used to put it on full blast when I was driving but then I discovered podcasts so started listening to them or else I'd get into what I call stinkin' thinkin' and end up with anxiety attacks.

You can even fall asleep to your play list.

Another song that I loved was Landslide. The words spoke to me then and still do.

Lyrics
I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down.

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too.

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh! I'm getting older too.

Oh-oh, take my love, take it down
Oh-oh, climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down
Oh-ohh, the landslide bring it down

listen to josiep on this one. you can’t heal with the person that keeps stepping on you every time you think you’re almost out of the dirt. cut your losses here. you deserve better and if he was going to give it to you, he would’ve done it already. the problem isn’t you, it’s your company. take care of yourself. i’m sorry you landed in this situation, but there’s life after this

I’m so sorry. I have been there. Sex addict that used sex workers. I’m so sorry. I remember begging to finally tell me it all so I could start to heal. He would tell me it was all. I would explain that no matter how bad it is, just get it and and please stop telling me that’s all, only for there to be more later.

Please leave, please please get away from him. My life is so much better now. It’s so hard to even imagine while you are in the thick of it. He’s sick. He’s a pervert, these women are likely trafficked or abused their whole lives. You deserve a real life. Leave please please leave, save yourself.

Please go NC with him, to protect you and your DD. My SAXWH just tortured me with trickle truth. There was always more for him to add to his full disclosure. So much so that he couldn't even recall all of his infidelity at once.

I think your SAWH has well pushed you past the point of his infidelity being a dealbreaker. You don't need to know more. Enough is enough.

It's time for you to take care of yourself and your DD.

No safe person does these kind of things to a person they love. Sadly, I believe he's probably beyond repair.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through all of this. Distance does make it easier. He will always be a cheater, a broken person, and an unsafe person to be emotionally attached to. When you are separated from him (not just legally, but emotionally, physically, etc.), he can be all of these things, doing all of those horrible things, but he's no longer doing them TO YOU.

Stay strong, HBM. ((Hugs)) You are already a survivor, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

You have to realise that sometimes the 'full disclosure' isnt the full disclosure'. You will probably never get the full disclosure. They are very good at blocking that part of their life out and forgetting all the details all of a sudden. We as the BS need the details in order to process everything. Even after 5 years I still have that feeling in my head that I didnt get the full truth. Now I dont need it anymore however the anger deep down does remain. It will always be there.

I wont lie, the road to 'recovery' is an extremely difficult one. Im not talking about the marriage. Thats gone down the drain. Marriage 2.0 might be better but ofcourse that will need two people that really want to make it work. I was talking about the self recovery and your individual healing. Thats the hardest part in all of this. Counselling is always recommended for sure. However I found that it wasnt always helpful. Ofcourse it is always a good decision to talk to a professional for sure. However what worked for me was ofcourse forums like this. No one knows your identity and yet everyone is there for you because they are or have been on the same boat as you and they truly understand what you're going through. Trust me 'we' understand.

The pain is real and right now you are at the beginning of it. The most difficult part. I know it might not feel like it but you will get through this. We all have.

If you want to stay in bed and cry then do that. Cry until you can no longer cry anymore. Trust me there will come a time where you simply cant cry anymore. Once youre done with the crying you might get angry at everything and everyone. Be careful at this stage. You have to remember that this is not your fault so dont take it out on yourself. Deflect the anger elsewhere. Hit some pillows. Or if youve got a gym membership go down there and hit some punching bags. I remember at this stage i kept throwing things and screaming. Trying to get my anger out of me. The most difficult thing I found at this stage was that I couldnt control my emotions. I wanted to break things and even burn all his 'shit'. I didnt ofcourse. Music helped me at this stage. Also motivational speeches. Going for a jog or going for a walk and listening to the actual lyrics. Angry lyrics. You know what I mean. Theyre like motivational speeches but in music form. I also went for drives on my own. I didnt wanna be around people. I didnt wana be around family or friends. I sometimes sat near the water. Ofcourse i had suicidal thoughts. I think everyone does at one point after discovery but thats why we need the professional help. Again its important to remember that this is not your fault and his nasty acts have nothing to do with you. Hes the broken person. You might think that youre broken but I promise you the real broken person is him and he may never be fixd. You however will get through this and you will come out stronger.

Unfortunately you will need to face each stage first. You need to just get through the day. Take each day at a time and right now your goal is to get through to the end of that day.

You need to let him go. For now anyway. The focus is on you. He cant help you heal. You need to do that on your own. I remember reading somewhere that the person that broke you will not be able to heal you. It is true. How can the person that broke you heal you when they cant even heal themselves. You have to heal yourself.

I didnt want to mention him here because there are so many amazing people on here that will give you very good advice in regards to him. I always say that you should choose the best advice that works best for you. You can pick and choose the bits of information that relate to you and will help you.

Your healing has began today.